I am sure that at least one or two of you have noticed I haven’t been providing Fat Chick updates lately.
Guess why?
Because I have lost all of my excess weight and I am now a svelte 125lbs. Food is no longer an issue for me, and my favorite meal is steamed white fish with a side of broccoli. I have learned to just LOVE the gym, and I go there so often that all the staff yell “FoN!” when I walk in the door. I always respond with some witty gym banter like, “Mornin’ folks! Is that a bosu ball you have there, or are you just happy to see me?”
In fact, I’ve quit my job and am going back to school to become a personal trainer, just like all the former fatties from the Biggest Loser.
Then I’m going to get famous and design handbags.
Because as far as I can tell anyone that is famous without having any specific talent at some point designs handbags.
The end.
Okay, everything included in the above might not be entirely accurate, but I wanted to live in that fantasy world for a few moments.
I’m still fat. I haven’t lost a single pound since fall.
I suck.
I have started seeing Trainer Lady again though. She seems to not give up on me, so that’s nice. The fact I pay her probably doesn’t hurt either though.
I love going to see Trainer Lady. She trains me without judgment, and for someone like her I would imagine that to be difficult. This is best demonstrated by the fact she’s in Las Vegas this week and told me at our last session she was mostly excited about going to Vegas to workout because she loves working out on vacation.
She and I don’t really have much in common.
And that’s probably a good thing. If it was up to me we’d blow off that whole exercise thing each week and go for beers and nachos.
The only problem I do have working out with Trainer Lady is that I totally SUCK at pretty much everything she asks me to do. I have no strength, I get winded after 30 seconds and I have the balance of a toddler.
I’m not really one of these people that needs to be good at everything - I suck at tons of stuff and I’m pretty much okay with it.
I can’t parallel park to save my life.
The best round of golf I shot ever was a 75. For nine holes.
It took me an hour and a half to ski down a 20 minute run while on vacation in February.
People know these things about me, and it’s all just fine.
The problem with Trainer Lady is that she ONLY sees me when I’m sucking at something. She doesn’t know me as anything other than the chick who she trains that sucks at everything.
But I’m good at stuff, Trainer Lady!
I would kick all y’all’s ASS at Donkey Kong (the Colecovision version circa 1985).
I can sing the entire harmony part to Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Trouble Water.
I almost always win at rock, paper, scissors. BAM! How to do you like me NOW? That’s what I thought.
It’s okay if she doesn’t immediately recognize my mad skills.
I'm a ninja.
A chubby ninja with no balance and limited cardiovascular ability.
I am going to keep going to Trainer Lady. And try this whole business AGAIN.
How else will I be able to eventually realize my dream of becoming famous hand-bag designer?
Exactly.
Showing posts with label fat chick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat chick. Show all posts
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
This is totally accurate and EXACTLY what happened.
I ran into an old friend at Wal Mart the other day. We’re ‘facebook’ friends, but we haven’t actually seen each other in real life in at least a decade or more. When I knew her she was very tall and strikingly beautiful.
She looks exactly the same.
Of course since it was just a quick Saturday trip to Wal Mart I looked like a homeless person.
This is how the conversation went:
Me – (cautiously waves)
Her – Smiling politely, waves back and stops in the isle, “Wow, I would have NEVER recognized you if we weren’t ‘friends’!!”
Me – “Ha, ha, How’s it going? These are my youngest, Jake and Lena.”
Her – “Oh, they are so cute! Where is the Hubby? Working?”
Me – “He’s at home, probably grading papers. He’s a teacher now”
(she didn’t know that because the hubby is super paranoid about putting anything on facebook and refuses to even acknowledge he’s my husband on there. So I started a blog. Heh.)
Her – “Oh, that’s nice. Your oldest seems like quite the firecracker from what I can tell from facebook!”
Me – “Yeah, she sure is.” So what have you been up to? Moved back, I see?"
Her – “Yes, moved back a while ago. It’s been great.”
Me – “It’s nice to see you again”
Her – “You too! Your kids are so cute. Better run. Bye!”
Me – “See you later!”
Isn’t that nice? Not really. Here is the sub-text transcript of this conversation:
Me: Ah, shit. There she is, looking striking and she’s coming my way. Doesn’t ANYONE else I know ever get fat? Fuck. I’m going have to acknowledge her.
Her: Why is that fat homeless chick waving at me? Oh, god! Is that,…..FoN?
“Holy SHIT! I could tell from your facebook pictures you put on a few, but I had NO idea! Is this for real? Seriously, are you really this fat or did Tyra Banks put you in a fat suit and hide a camera in your folds so you could record how people react to how totally HUMUNGOUS you are????”
Me: “Fuck you. Life hasn’t been a cakewalk and I eat my feelings, okay? Not everyone can be seven feet high and fifteen pounds you know.”
Her: “Yeah, I bet. I assume those two kids fighting over who gets to hold the mango are yours? Yikes. Good thing they’re cute. I assume you and whats-his-face broke up by now?"
Me: “As a matter of fact we got married and bought a nice little house in the south end. We both have great jobs and make a LOT more money than you. So, you moved back in with your parents after your marriage broke up, I assume?"
Her: “Yeah, but at least my kids aren’t saying ‘fuck’ every five minutes on facebook. You should be totally ashamed of your daughter. It’s too bad she can’t be like my kids. I’ve taught them to love Jesus and they are perfect in every way."
Me: “Well, your kids are 10 and 7, so call me when they’re teenagers and we’ll talk."
Her: “Hey, I gotta run and call everyone we knew from high school to tell them you’re a WHALE!! Bwwaaaahahahahahaha!!!!!"
Me: “Whatever. You’re divorced and poor”
THE END.
She looks exactly the same.
Of course since it was just a quick Saturday trip to Wal Mart I looked like a homeless person.
This is how the conversation went:
Me – (cautiously waves)
Her – Smiling politely, waves back and stops in the isle, “Wow, I would have NEVER recognized you if we weren’t ‘friends’!!”
Me – “Ha, ha, How’s it going? These are my youngest, Jake and Lena.”
Her – “Oh, they are so cute! Where is the Hubby? Working?”
Me – “He’s at home, probably grading papers. He’s a teacher now”
(she didn’t know that because the hubby is super paranoid about putting anything on facebook and refuses to even acknowledge he’s my husband on there. So I started a blog. Heh.)
Her – “Oh, that’s nice. Your oldest seems like quite the firecracker from what I can tell from facebook!”
Me – “Yeah, she sure is.” So what have you been up to? Moved back, I see?"
Her – “Yes, moved back a while ago. It’s been great.”
Me – “It’s nice to see you again”
Her – “You too! Your kids are so cute. Better run. Bye!”
Me – “See you later!”
Isn’t that nice? Not really. Here is the sub-text transcript of this conversation:
Me: Ah, shit. There she is, looking striking and she’s coming my way. Doesn’t ANYONE else I know ever get fat? Fuck. I’m going have to acknowledge her.
Her: Why is that fat homeless chick waving at me? Oh, god! Is that,…..FoN?
“Holy SHIT! I could tell from your facebook pictures you put on a few, but I had NO idea! Is this for real? Seriously, are you really this fat or did Tyra Banks put you in a fat suit and hide a camera in your folds so you could record how people react to how totally HUMUNGOUS you are????”
Me: “Fuck you. Life hasn’t been a cakewalk and I eat my feelings, okay? Not everyone can be seven feet high and fifteen pounds you know.”
Her: “Yeah, I bet. I assume those two kids fighting over who gets to hold the mango are yours? Yikes. Good thing they’re cute. I assume you and whats-his-face broke up by now?"
Me: “As a matter of fact we got married and bought a nice little house in the south end. We both have great jobs and make a LOT more money than you. So, you moved back in with your parents after your marriage broke up, I assume?"
Her: “Yeah, but at least my kids aren’t saying ‘fuck’ every five minutes on facebook. You should be totally ashamed of your daughter. It’s too bad she can’t be like my kids. I’ve taught them to love Jesus and they are perfect in every way."
Me: “Well, your kids are 10 and 7, so call me when they’re teenagers and we’ll talk."
Her: “Hey, I gotta run and call everyone we knew from high school to tell them you’re a WHALE!! Bwwaaaahahahahahaha!!!!!"
Me: “Whatever. You’re divorced and poor”
THE END.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food Update
Since I made my public declaration last week about reporting on the good and the bad in the fat ass department, I figured I better make good on that promise. Good or bad, I said I would blog about how I did with my three current goals. They were -
1. work out five times in seven days
2. no eating after supper
3. no booze
How did I do? Well, good and bad.
I did manage to make it to the gym for the first time in months, so that’s good. However I only made it there once when I promised myself I’d go five times, so that’s bad.
I managed to eat properly and lay off the snackage and beer, so that’s good. But I cheated three out of those seven days, so that's bad. But, in fairness to me I only drank beer one day out of seven.
I might have to stop here and preface this with the pronouncement that I am not a raging alcoholic, and knocking it off with the booze isn’t really that hard for me, provided there is no occasion closely associated with booze to contend with. The Grey Cup, for example. My team was in the championship game this weekend, so I was practically mandated by my province to drink beer.
Just as an aside, we lost in the worst possible way I’ve ever experienced in my whole football watching life. It was horrifying.
Anyway.
Let’s focus on some positives –
All of the occasions that I was eating like shit, I felt really guilty about it. I wasn’t rationalizing my indulgences like I have been known to in the past, telling myself a ‘deserve’ a treat because of stress, work, kids, etc. The whole time I was eating those chips I felt like a total failure, so that’s good right?
My guilt is in fact so pronounced that it has morphed into the most annoying bitch ever. She has taken up residence in my head and makes me feel like an asshole for not working out and eating garbage. I call her Pageant Mom because she is extremely judgmental, and is all, “Does your ass really need another one of THOSE?” when I’m eating something crappy. I hate her. She’s blonde with fake tits and for some reason has an American accent – one of those Texas/Georgia/Louisiana type accents. She wears a lot of glittery shirts and way too much blush.
Let me apologize right now to all of you Americans who are completely insulted by me stereotyping my split personality (I can’t help it – she just appeared that way), as well as the lumping together of probably three totally different accents. I’d love for you to hear her voice so you could identify what specific region she belongs to for me, but that would be difficult since she is, you know…imaginary.
I think this post has come off the rails a bit.
Let’s refocus.
A new week is upon me, and I am going to do my best to get Pageant Mom to shut the fuck up. My beloved boot camp class starts up again tomorrow, and this time there is a competition, a la the Biggest Loser – whoever loses the most percentage of weight wins SIX free sessions with Trainer Lady! She don’t come cheap, so I am totally in it to win it.
Wish me luck.
1. work out five times in seven days
2. no eating after supper
3. no booze
How did I do? Well, good and bad.
I did manage to make it to the gym for the first time in months, so that’s good. However I only made it there once when I promised myself I’d go five times, so that’s bad.
I managed to eat properly and lay off the snackage and beer, so that’s good. But I cheated three out of those seven days, so that's bad. But, in fairness to me I only drank beer one day out of seven.
I might have to stop here and preface this with the pronouncement that I am not a raging alcoholic, and knocking it off with the booze isn’t really that hard for me, provided there is no occasion closely associated with booze to contend with. The Grey Cup, for example. My team was in the championship game this weekend, so I was practically mandated by my province to drink beer.
Just as an aside, we lost in the worst possible way I’ve ever experienced in my whole football watching life. It was horrifying.
Anyway.
Let’s focus on some positives –
All of the occasions that I was eating like shit, I felt really guilty about it. I wasn’t rationalizing my indulgences like I have been known to in the past, telling myself a ‘deserve’ a treat because of stress, work, kids, etc. The whole time I was eating those chips I felt like a total failure, so that’s good right?
My guilt is in fact so pronounced that it has morphed into the most annoying bitch ever. She has taken up residence in my head and makes me feel like an asshole for not working out and eating garbage. I call her Pageant Mom because she is extremely judgmental, and is all, “Does your ass really need another one of THOSE?” when I’m eating something crappy. I hate her. She’s blonde with fake tits and for some reason has an American accent – one of those Texas/Georgia/Louisiana type accents. She wears a lot of glittery shirts and way too much blush.
Let me apologize right now to all of you Americans who are completely insulted by me stereotyping my split personality (I can’t help it – she just appeared that way), as well as the lumping together of probably three totally different accents. I’d love for you to hear her voice so you could identify what specific region she belongs to for me, but that would be difficult since she is, you know…imaginary.
I think this post has come off the rails a bit.
Let’s refocus.
A new week is upon me, and I am going to do my best to get Pageant Mom to shut the fuck up. My beloved boot camp class starts up again tomorrow, and this time there is a competition, a la the Biggest Loser – whoever loses the most percentage of weight wins SIX free sessions with Trainer Lady! She don’t come cheap, so I am totally in it to win it.
Wish me luck.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week..... ah fuck it
This whole diet/exercise plan thing has come off the rails a little. Okay, a lot. Okay, almost completely. Most of my new ‘I’m skinny now!’ clothes have now gone back to their oh-so-familiar home at the top of my closet. They are out of the way enough that they are not taking up valuable moo-moo space, but still close enough that they mock me every time I open my closet door.
Sigh.
It was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I was far more successful at dropping the pounds when I was blogging about the whole being fat thing on a regular basis. That is true, but it’s kind of a chicken and egg thing. I stopped blogging about it regularly because I wasn’t really doing anything positive in that area, and reporting that I just plain ol’ sucked AGAIN each week makes for some tedious reading. That, and well…I’m not super proud of the fact that I fell off the diet wagon. Again. For about the 459th consecutive time.
So, good or bad I’m going to start blogging about my big fat ass again each week. I swear I mean it this time. I pinky swear. I even best-friends-forever swear. I just spit on my palm and wiped it on my monitor and everything.
I’m starting with a new sense of resolve today after having a horribly indulgent weekend covered in football, beer, and all the good food that goes so well with football and beer. Our team won, by the way, so I now have next weekend to contend with too, as our beloved Saskatchewan Roughriders are going to the Grey Cup on Sunday (for all you Americans, the Grey Cup is Canada’s answer to the super bowl). I really hope those fuckers win, otherwise my football, beer, and all the good food that goes so well with football and beer weekend will have all been for not.
There is an upside - the whole city is freaking right out about our football team and therefore huge jerseys are practically a mandated uniform right now. That is a great deal for us fat people.
So! Instead of announcing my poundage lost like I did the last Fat Chick reporting cycle, I’m going to adopt weekly goals/challenges for myself and report back at the end of the week on my progress. Trainer Lady (she has a website now – go check her out!) is on vacation this week so I set the following goals knowing I will have to live without her -
1. Work out five times in seven days
2. No eating after super
3. No booze
Just those three goals. Short…..sweet…..simple. I can do it.
Does a milkshake count as ‘eating’ after supper?
Sigh.
It was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I was far more successful at dropping the pounds when I was blogging about the whole being fat thing on a regular basis. That is true, but it’s kind of a chicken and egg thing. I stopped blogging about it regularly because I wasn’t really doing anything positive in that area, and reporting that I just plain ol’ sucked AGAIN each week makes for some tedious reading. That, and well…I’m not super proud of the fact that I fell off the diet wagon. Again. For about the 459th consecutive time.
So, good or bad I’m going to start blogging about my big fat ass again each week. I swear I mean it this time. I pinky swear. I even best-friends-forever swear. I just spit on my palm and wiped it on my monitor and everything.
I’m starting with a new sense of resolve today after having a horribly indulgent weekend covered in football, beer, and all the good food that goes so well with football and beer. Our team won, by the way, so I now have next weekend to contend with too, as our beloved Saskatchewan Roughriders are going to the Grey Cup on Sunday (for all you Americans, the Grey Cup is Canada’s answer to the super bowl). I really hope those fuckers win, otherwise my football, beer, and all the good food that goes so well with football and beer weekend will have all been for not.
There is an upside - the whole city is freaking right out about our football team and therefore huge jerseys are practically a mandated uniform right now. That is a great deal for us fat people.
So! Instead of announcing my poundage lost like I did the last Fat Chick reporting cycle, I’m going to adopt weekly goals/challenges for myself and report back at the end of the week on my progress. Trainer Lady (she has a website now – go check her out!) is on vacation this week so I set the following goals knowing I will have to live without her -
1. Work out five times in seven days
2. No eating after super
3. No booze
Just those three goals. Short…..sweet…..simple. I can do it.
Does a milkshake count as ‘eating’ after supper?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Four
I wasn’t able to get to my fat lady boot camp classes as planned because it was a very busy week at work and I had to work some evenings. This means I’ve missed two classes and I’m worried the other fat ladies won’t accept me now. Then I’ll be the loser who will be standing there alone when it’s time to pick a partner. That means I’ll have to pair up with Trainer Lady and next to her I look like Dom Deluise in girly workout clothes. Minus the beard, of course.
Speaking of Trainer Lady, she’s pretty fucking awesome. I don’t even have to suppress the urge to make fun of her, because while yes, she’s is iddy biddy and probably needs to wear weighted shoes when it’s windy outside, she somehow manages to never make me feel like a big fat person she feels sorry for. I like that about her. I’ve known other fitness crazed people in my life, and pretty much all of them were raging douche bags or mindless bimbos who would say the snottiest things ever and then try to wipe it all away with an extremely insincere, “Just kidding!”
The other amazing part about her is the never ending bag of crazy exercise tricks she’s got up her sleeve. Every time I see her she’s got some new horrible, yet beautifully effective (read: torturous) exercise for me to do. I’ve never been able to stump her, and it’s hysterical because she LOVES that shit. I have a theory that she really wanted to be a dominatrix but decided to go into kinesiology because she needed a profession she could tell her parents about.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that if you happen to be in the south Saskatchewan area, and you are fat or gimpy or both, get a hold or Trainer Lady. She’ll whip you good.
Probably not in *that* way though.
Speaking of Trainer Lady, she’s pretty fucking awesome. I don’t even have to suppress the urge to make fun of her, because while yes, she’s is iddy biddy and probably needs to wear weighted shoes when it’s windy outside, she somehow manages to never make me feel like a big fat person she feels sorry for. I like that about her. I’ve known other fitness crazed people in my life, and pretty much all of them were raging douche bags or mindless bimbos who would say the snottiest things ever and then try to wipe it all away with an extremely insincere, “Just kidding!”
The other amazing part about her is the never ending bag of crazy exercise tricks she’s got up her sleeve. Every time I see her she’s got some new horrible, yet beautifully effective (read: torturous) exercise for me to do. I’ve never been able to stump her, and it’s hysterical because she LOVES that shit. I have a theory that she really wanted to be a dominatrix but decided to go into kinesiology because she needed a profession she could tell her parents about.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that if you happen to be in the south Saskatchewan area, and you are fat or gimpy or both, get a hold or Trainer Lady. She’ll whip you good.
Probably not in *that* way though.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week three
I haven’t had the best week, but I think I’m slowly getting back into the habit of not eating like later-years Elvis. I had a few wins (Trainer Lady kicked my ass on Wednesday. I deserved it), and a few loses (a friend I hadn’t seen in 8 years was in town for a visit this weekend and I indulged TOO much).
My fat lady boot camp class starts this week, and I’m pretty excited about it. Well, about as excited as I can get about something like that. I guess I’m looking forward to getting involved with something that might help me look less like Marlon Brando. That might be a more accurate statement.
There are a few things I have found along this little journey that I have found REALLY helpful. First of all, has anyone heard of this? http://www.sparkpeople.com/
It’s a really great FREE site that has the best nutrition counter I’ve ever seen. It also has menu suggestions, group chats and exercise suggestions. It’s really great, and it really is free. I have been a member for a while now and I haven’t even ever been spammed.
Also, tea really helps me with my munchie issue at night. There are a million kinds, but I think my favorite is bangle spice. A bit of skim milk and a sweetener and I almost feel like I’ve had dessert. Almost. And, it’s even decaf so I can have as many cups as I need to.
Oh! Did you guys know that the fudge bar at Dairy Queen is only 50 calories? It’s no blizzard, but it sure takes that sugar edge off. 50 calories for the whole bar!!
Now I need a good suggestion for a chip substitute. Anyone? Don’t say carrot sticks or I’ll make fun of you.
Wish me luck this week folks. I think I'm getting my mojo back.
My fat lady boot camp class starts this week, and I’m pretty excited about it. Well, about as excited as I can get about something like that. I guess I’m looking forward to getting involved with something that might help me look less like Marlon Brando. That might be a more accurate statement.
There are a few things I have found along this little journey that I have found REALLY helpful. First of all, has anyone heard of this? http://www.sparkpeople.com/
It’s a really great FREE site that has the best nutrition counter I’ve ever seen. It also has menu suggestions, group chats and exercise suggestions. It’s really great, and it really is free. I have been a member for a while now and I haven’t even ever been spammed.
Also, tea really helps me with my munchie issue at night. There are a million kinds, but I think my favorite is bangle spice. A bit of skim milk and a sweetener and I almost feel like I’ve had dessert. Almost. And, it’s even decaf so I can have as many cups as I need to.
Oh! Did you guys know that the fudge bar at Dairy Queen is only 50 calories? It’s no blizzard, but it sure takes that sugar edge off. 50 calories for the whole bar!!
Now I need a good suggestion for a chip substitute. Anyone? Don’t say carrot sticks or I’ll make fun of you.
Wish me luck this week folks. I think I'm getting my mojo back.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Two
Here we are at week two! You can tell I’m enthusiastic by the exclamation point, right?! Right?!! And Casey at Hasay is back! To check on the Hasayers a year after starting their club, pop on over for a visit.
I met with Trainer Lady this week for an assessment. As part of the boot camp/getoffyourfatassalready classes she is hosting (starts next week) she has to assess everyone so we know where our starting place is. I have the unfortunate advantage of having a comparable; the assessment I had in January when I started my fitness plan and then the reassessment I had in March when I was kicking all kinds of ass.
I am now back up to only one pound shy of what I weighed in MARCH. Ugh. My fitness level is about the same or has even improved a little though, so that DID make me feel somewhat better about completly SUCKING this summer. I haven’t totally given up on the exercise. The problem is clearly the food. I like food. Food is good. Everything is always so much better when you get to have some bacon.
I haven’t been going to Trainer Lady much this summer, and after our meeting last week I think she gets that I need a kick in the ass. So she gave me homework. It was to figure out how many calories I will burn if I take the stairs at work instead of the elevator. That’s when I found this - http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_burn.php
The most hysterical calorie counter EVER. It seriously has a function for every possible activity known to man. If I throw a hammer and then go polka dancing for twenty minutes, I will have burned 205 calories! If I fold me some laundry and then ride a unicycle for 15 minutes, I’m 149 calories down! It’s totally my new favorite website.
I’m going to really try and focus on the food part this week. That definitely seems to be my weakness. I have a ridiculously healthy eating boss, so maybe I’ll just follow her around at lunch and eat grass with her for a week. Sounds good, right?! The exclamation point says so!!
I just burned 43 calories writing this blog. Pass the bacon.
I met with Trainer Lady this week for an assessment. As part of the boot camp/getoffyourfatassalready classes she is hosting (starts next week) she has to assess everyone so we know where our starting place is. I have the unfortunate advantage of having a comparable; the assessment I had in January when I started my fitness plan and then the reassessment I had in March when I was kicking all kinds of ass.
I am now back up to only one pound shy of what I weighed in MARCH. Ugh. My fitness level is about the same or has even improved a little though, so that DID make me feel somewhat better about completly SUCKING this summer. I haven’t totally given up on the exercise. The problem is clearly the food. I like food. Food is good. Everything is always so much better when you get to have some bacon.
I haven’t been going to Trainer Lady much this summer, and after our meeting last week I think she gets that I need a kick in the ass. So she gave me homework. It was to figure out how many calories I will burn if I take the stairs at work instead of the elevator. That’s when I found this - http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_burn.php
The most hysterical calorie counter EVER. It seriously has a function for every possible activity known to man. If I throw a hammer and then go polka dancing for twenty minutes, I will have burned 205 calories! If I fold me some laundry and then ride a unicycle for 15 minutes, I’m 149 calories down! It’s totally my new favorite website.
I’m going to really try and focus on the food part this week. That definitely seems to be my weakness. I have a ridiculously healthy eating boss, so maybe I’ll just follow her around at lunch and eat grass with her for a week. Sounds good, right?! The exclamation point says so!!
I just burned 43 calories writing this blog. Pass the bacon.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week One
Technically it should be week thirty-something. Actually, technically it should be week hundred and something since this has been an issue for so long now, but fuck it. Just like Jon and Kate I’m starting over.
Summer kicked my ass. I have been indulging in bad food a LOT and my exercising efforts have been weak at best. And I’ve kind of turned into a bit of a wino. I just love me a malbec. I’ve only recently discovered this particular wine, and it is YUMMY.
I went to the gym last week and weighed myself on their super-doper scale, and according to that I’ve gained 7 pounds since May (the last month I actually lost anything). I suck.
That’s okay, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. At least I’m climbing back on the Fat Chick bandwagon before I backslide the whole way. I will do better.
I’ve signed up for a twice weekly boot camp thing Trainer Lady is starting up just for fat people. It’s a small class of six, and each class comes with an hour of exercise and a stern talking to thinly veiled as ‘nutrition counseling and support’. I’m hoping that a group of actual fat people to relate to will help me. I don’t really know any other fat people in real life. I’m pretty much it. I’m surrounded by nothing but ‘the last five pounds’ people.
A good friend of mine once told me that if I ran in place for ten minutes before bed each night the weight would just fall off and I’d never be fat again. See what I’m dealing with here?
I need the REAL fat people as a support group to help me. The people who can’t wear a dress in the summertime unless they baby-powder up their inner-thighs. The people who have drawers full of gigantic lycra underwear. The people who dress in layers even when it’s 30 degrees outside. The burger king people. Trainer Lady PROMISED me nothing but five other fat people who want to cross over to the other side. I would love nothing more than a cocoon of people who plan to emerge from this class as ‘last five pounds’ people. This class starts on Sept 15th. I’ll keep you posted.
In the meantime I’m going to fight Fat Chick as hard as I can. She’s really loud and obnoxious and filling my head with thoughts like, “Well, you don’t start that stupid exercise group for another two weeks, so why not live it up now? You’ll have to get back into it mid-September anyway, so just shut up and eat that piece of cake. Can I pour you a glass of vino?”
She is such a fucking bitch.
Summer kicked my ass. I have been indulging in bad food a LOT and my exercising efforts have been weak at best. And I’ve kind of turned into a bit of a wino. I just love me a malbec. I’ve only recently discovered this particular wine, and it is YUMMY.
I went to the gym last week and weighed myself on their super-doper scale, and according to that I’ve gained 7 pounds since May (the last month I actually lost anything). I suck.
That’s okay, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. At least I’m climbing back on the Fat Chick bandwagon before I backslide the whole way. I will do better.
I’ve signed up for a twice weekly boot camp thing Trainer Lady is starting up just for fat people. It’s a small class of six, and each class comes with an hour of exercise and a stern talking to thinly veiled as ‘nutrition counseling and support’. I’m hoping that a group of actual fat people to relate to will help me. I don’t really know any other fat people in real life. I’m pretty much it. I’m surrounded by nothing but ‘the last five pounds’ people.
A good friend of mine once told me that if I ran in place for ten minutes before bed each night the weight would just fall off and I’d never be fat again. See what I’m dealing with here?
I need the REAL fat people as a support group to help me. The people who can’t wear a dress in the summertime unless they baby-powder up their inner-thighs. The people who have drawers full of gigantic lycra underwear. The people who dress in layers even when it’s 30 degrees outside. The burger king people. Trainer Lady PROMISED me nothing but five other fat people who want to cross over to the other side. I would love nothing more than a cocoon of people who plan to emerge from this class as ‘last five pounds’ people. This class starts on Sept 15th. I’ll keep you posted.
In the meantime I’m going to fight Fat Chick as hard as I can. She’s really loud and obnoxious and filling my head with thoughts like, “Well, you don’t start that stupid exercise group for another two weeks, so why not live it up now? You’ll have to get back into it mid-September anyway, so just shut up and eat that piece of cake. Can I pour you a glass of vino?”
She is such a fucking bitch.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty Four
If you recall I was lamenting last week about how we can’t really have it all, I’m happy just to be home for a while with the family, a happy fat is just fine, blah, blah, blah. What a total crock of shit, huh?
Yeah, that is what we call rationalizing a backslide people.
This is an interesting turn of events for me. Traditionally, around the 30 pound down mark something shitty happens to me and I use that as an excuse to stop exercising and start eating chocolate cake for breakfast all the while telling myself that it’s okay because hey! At least I’m eating breakfast, right?
Here I am around the 30 lbs mark and life could not be going more swimmingly. All the things I’ve ever wanted seem to have fallen into place in a way that I never really thought would actually happen. No horrendous loss has befallen me, no reality crushing blow has shaken my foundation…. hell, my biggest worry of late is reserved for the kids of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Oh yeah, did you see him this weekend??? He was photographed in France gallivanting with some chippy – can you believe that? Dumbass. What about the KIDS Jon! Think of the KIDS!!! They’re old enough to read now! How do you think they feel seeing their father with someone else all over a magazine cover? Dumbass! Sorry, back to the fat chick thing....
As I was saying, my life is going just fine, and yet I still find myself in a familiar position - TOTALLY WUSING OUT. Why? Why Why Why is this so hard for me? Why do I fall off the wagon after seeing so much success? Oprah would say that it’s because I have low self esteem and don’t think I’m worthy of a healthy body. Okay, there might be some of that there, but I don’t think that’s the whole answer. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and this time around I think I’m sabotaging myself because I’m worried my contented little life will vanish any day now if I get my weight under control. I know that sounds ridiculous to all of you sane and rational people out there, but I’m a little nutty. I believe that if I get the last major thing in my life that has been a serious problem for me under control I’ll be way too happy and therefore something terrible will happen. Logically I know that’s ridiculous, but that’s where my brain goes. It’s not easy being crazy, trust me.
I have all the tools I need. My whole family is very supportive. I do not have one of those husbands on the reality shows that makes his wife feel like crap every time she leaves him with the kids to go work out. He is all for it – never once has he ever suggested he couldn’t hold down the fort while I went to work out. I know he wants me to get into shape. That poor guy really is pretty screwed. He’s the one with a front row seat watching me give up, and I know how badly he wants to kick my ass and tell me to quit fucking around and get back at ‘er, but he can’t. He has learned that lesson well over the years. If he doesn’t say anything he has to sit back and watch me get fat all over again. If he does say something, he has to watch me have a total freak out, accuse him of not loving me anymore and then have a raging battle that ends in us not speaking. And then he’ll have to watch me get fat all over again anyway.
What I need to do is stop worrying about the things I can’t control and start focusing on what I CAN control. I can’t control when someone I love gets cancer, but I can control my weight and health. There really isn’t a finite amount of good things that can happen to me. Is it temping fate to even write that down?
I have gained five pounds in the last month. That’s a total loss of 23lbs since January, and a whopping 37 pounds to go. Sigh.
Backslide over. And……..here we go!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty Three
So…..this is not going that well. The weight loss thing, that is. Lots of other things are going well, but Fat Chick vs. Food? Not so much.
Keely pointed out to me the other day that not everything can go well all at once. While my first response was of the, ‘No fair!’ variety, she has a good point. Everything requires effort, and most people have a finite amount of effort in them (super mom types aside, but they at least have Percocet). I have a lot of shit I need to pay attention to, and usually one suffers at the hand of the other. It’s a priority thing, I guess.
I can invest my marriage OR weight loss. I can play with my kids OR clean the house. I can go to work OR get all my personal ducks in a row. I have to pick, and there are consequences to each.
I can hang out with my husband who is home every night for the first time in our married life, or I can leave him and the kids and hit the gym. You know how long I’ve been waiting for all of us to be on the same schedule and to be able to do regular things like eat dinner together every night? Fifteen years. No kidding.
I can quit my job and have a beautifully decorated and spotless house, wake up every morning and go for a run, play with the kids whenever I want, etc, or I can earn money and pay for things like shelter and food and clothing. You see where I am going with this.
For the last six months Fat Chick has been a high priority. She has received a lot of attention, and it’s been working! She’s dropped almost 30 pounds! This is quite a bit and has certainly improved my quality of life, my clothing options and fitness level. I’m feeling good. I could be feeling better if I was working on dropping the next 30 pounds, but….the whole priority thing has shifted somewhat.
This is not to say I have given up all together. I’m making concessions here and there. I’ve been taking the stairs quite a bit at work (and I work on the 12th floor, so that’s a lot of stairs), and the other night we all went for a bike ride. Sure, it was to get ice cream, but it was still a bike ride dammit!
I’m going to continue the Fat Chick posts because they keep me honest. I’m also going to start trying to get my family active with me, which shouldn’t be too hard because they love being outside now that summer is finally here. The Hubby and I even tried playing tennis last weekend. I’ve never played tennis before, and not surprisingly I completely suck, but so does he so there is a lot of running after balls going on. I’m hanging in there.
Fat and miserable is a terrible way to live, but I might be okay with fat and happy. For the short-term, anyway. SHORT TERM.
Keely pointed out to me the other day that not everything can go well all at once. While my first response was of the, ‘No fair!’ variety, she has a good point. Everything requires effort, and most people have a finite amount of effort in them (super mom types aside, but they at least have Percocet). I have a lot of shit I need to pay attention to, and usually one suffers at the hand of the other. It’s a priority thing, I guess.
I can invest my marriage OR weight loss. I can play with my kids OR clean the house. I can go to work OR get all my personal ducks in a row. I have to pick, and there are consequences to each.
I can hang out with my husband who is home every night for the first time in our married life, or I can leave him and the kids and hit the gym. You know how long I’ve been waiting for all of us to be on the same schedule and to be able to do regular things like eat dinner together every night? Fifteen years. No kidding.
I can quit my job and have a beautifully decorated and spotless house, wake up every morning and go for a run, play with the kids whenever I want, etc, or I can earn money and pay for things like shelter and food and clothing. You see where I am going with this.
For the last six months Fat Chick has been a high priority. She has received a lot of attention, and it’s been working! She’s dropped almost 30 pounds! This is quite a bit and has certainly improved my quality of life, my clothing options and fitness level. I’m feeling good. I could be feeling better if I was working on dropping the next 30 pounds, but….the whole priority thing has shifted somewhat.
This is not to say I have given up all together. I’m making concessions here and there. I’ve been taking the stairs quite a bit at work (and I work on the 12th floor, so that’s a lot of stairs), and the other night we all went for a bike ride. Sure, it was to get ice cream, but it was still a bike ride dammit!
I’m going to continue the Fat Chick posts because they keep me honest. I’m also going to start trying to get my family active with me, which shouldn’t be too hard because they love being outside now that summer is finally here. The Hubby and I even tried playing tennis last weekend. I’ve never played tennis before, and not surprisingly I completely suck, but so does he so there is a lot of running after balls going on. I’m hanging in there.
Fat and miserable is a terrible way to live, but I might be okay with fat and happy. For the short-term, anyway. SHORT TERM.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty Two
I’m still pretty much sucking in the weight loss department but I have a good reason. I’m a newlywed!! Okay, so not really in the chronological sense, but for the first time ever the Hubby is no longer working evenings. This is major in our house.
The Hubby has had an evening job in one form or another since we were married almost fifteen years ago, and other than the odd mat leave here and there, I have had a day job my whole working life. Throw three kids into this mix, and it has not been easy. Given our history of scheduling problems it’s a miracle that we’re still married at all, never mind managing to survive it without coming out the other side saying, “Who the hell are you?”
Hubby graduated university with an education degree after a long six years the beginning of June, and once he secured a teaching position for this fall he left his night job waiting tables so he could stay home with the kids for the summer and get his poop in a group to start his first real ‘career’ type job. Yeah, I’m stressed out about the money and how we’re going to pull this off for next three months, but fuck it. Having him home at night is AWESOME.
I come home from work each day and not only is dinner made, but a glass of wine is waiting for me. The laundry is done and my yard looks like I’ve hired a landscaper. The kids are not screaming at me because I haven’t managed to put a full meal in front of them within 30 seconds of arriving at home, and I don’t have to go madly searching around the house trying to find the gear they need for whatever activity we need to dash off to.
Aside from all the obvious conveniences of having a parent home during the day to deal with daily life, having the Hubby home at night to just hang out with is way more fun than I ever thought it would be. It turns out I actually like this dude. A lot.
So Fat Chick is not rocking the gym that much lately because when I get home from work I don’t want to turn around and leave again. I want to hang out with my husband. The husband who gives me wine. The husband who covers every dish he cooks in cream of mushroom soup. The husband who thinks salads are for wussies. The husband who is finally at home every night and makes me happy.
I’m not abandoning all hope for continued weight loss, I’m still kinda sorta hanging in there. I did turn down a hot fudge sundae yesterday. That’s something, right?
I gained a pound this week. I wonder how slippery this slope is exactly?
The Hubby has had an evening job in one form or another since we were married almost fifteen years ago, and other than the odd mat leave here and there, I have had a day job my whole working life. Throw three kids into this mix, and it has not been easy. Given our history of scheduling problems it’s a miracle that we’re still married at all, never mind managing to survive it without coming out the other side saying, “Who the hell are you?”
Hubby graduated university with an education degree after a long six years the beginning of June, and once he secured a teaching position for this fall he left his night job waiting tables so he could stay home with the kids for the summer and get his poop in a group to start his first real ‘career’ type job. Yeah, I’m stressed out about the money and how we’re going to pull this off for next three months, but fuck it. Having him home at night is AWESOME.
I come home from work each day and not only is dinner made, but a glass of wine is waiting for me. The laundry is done and my yard looks like I’ve hired a landscaper. The kids are not screaming at me because I haven’t managed to put a full meal in front of them within 30 seconds of arriving at home, and I don’t have to go madly searching around the house trying to find the gear they need for whatever activity we need to dash off to.
Aside from all the obvious conveniences of having a parent home during the day to deal with daily life, having the Hubby home at night to just hang out with is way more fun than I ever thought it would be. It turns out I actually like this dude. A lot.
So Fat Chick is not rocking the gym that much lately because when I get home from work I don’t want to turn around and leave again. I want to hang out with my husband. The husband who gives me wine. The husband who covers every dish he cooks in cream of mushroom soup. The husband who thinks salads are for wussies. The husband who is finally at home every night and makes me happy.
I’m not abandoning all hope for continued weight loss, I’m still kinda sorta hanging in there. I did turn down a hot fudge sundae yesterday. That’s something, right?
I gained a pound this week. I wonder how slippery this slope is exactly?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty One
Huh? What’s that? All of you just never mind.
This past (ahem) week was a little hit and miss. We have so much to catch up on people! I spend a lot of my time summarizing conversations into pretty spreadsheets, reports and presentations, so I’m going to rock this bad boy bullet point style -
- The Hubby graduated university and then went and got him self a grown-up job. He will be teaching a grade 2/3 split class starting in the fall, and I’m going to giggle every time I hear someone call him ‘Mr. FoN’.
- What does that have to do with Fat Chick, you ask? Well……she celebrated. A little. Okay, a lot. For about two weeks straight.
- Interesting fact – I didn’t gain any weight whatsoever.
- Another interesting fact – the week prior to my two week impression of Anna Nicole before she became all coked-out and hooked on Trimspa and then died? I was religious with my eating and exercising. I didn’t lose an ounce that week.
Ummmm, excuse me, but I thought this whole thing was supposed to be scientific? Isn’t the magic formula burn more calories than you eat and then you lose weight? That’s what Oprah told me. That’s what Trainer Lady told me. That’s what Google has said over and over again. What the fuck with the plateau? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful I’m not gaining weight because I SO should have, but why does all of that not seem to matter anymore? This would all be fine and good if I was struggling with the last five or ten, but I still have more than 30 pounds to drop.
I have agreed to run in a marathon relay team this September, which is pretty hilarious because I don’t run. Ever. This one time a crazy drunk chick in a bar thought I had wronged her in some way and gave me the ‘Wanna go?’ line, and I started laughing so hard she got super pissed off and came after me with her giant teased hair and Old Stock beer bottle a blazin’. As far as I can remember, that was the last time I ran anywhere, and that was about twelve years ago. Interesting side note to that story – I ran as close as I could get to the bouncer and Keely because I had a little confidence in the bouncer, but I knew for sure Super Keely would TOTALLY kick her ass. I think that is a blog for another time though…….
As I was saying, I am going to run in this relay marathon. It’s just a tad abstract because our ‘team’ has been planning this for a few weeks now, but the only action we’ve seen is in written form on a Facebook events page. I don’t hold out too much hope it will happen, but the threat of it is so far enough to keep me somewhat motivated.
My major motivation lately? SUMMER.
Waterskiing season is upon us. I am going to try and haul my fat ass out of the water this year people. Picturing me cutting through those waves is my workout fantasy, and I’m getting a little scared. I have about two weeks left to train before I try to get up on those goddamn skis, and I’m having some doubts. I’ll keep you posted.
Speaking of posted – yeah, okay……so I took a little time off. More on that tomorrow. Or maybe Wednesday. This week for SURE.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty
Dear Body:
While Fat Chick's enthusiasm is often a pleasant addition, she is very easily distracted. The next twenty weeks should be pretty telling when determining the overall success of project ‘Quit Being So Fat, Yo’.
Working out: B-
FC's effort this term has been hit and miss. While she is sometimes extremely motivated, she is easily sidetracked by various occasions such as going away parties and long weekends. It would work in her favor to develop a plan well in advance of the week and make more of an effort to stick with it. She has, however, made some marvelous improvements to her strength, balance, and endurance levels. I am excited to learn that she has agreed to run as part of a relay team in the Queen City Marathon this September. With a continued focus on training, I am hopeful she won’t make a total ass of herself or break something. I’m not laying bets though.
Balanced Diet: C-
FC is able to stick to her diet regime during the week, but on the weekends she eats like she was just kicked off of Survivor. Finding a balance and observing a healthy diet throughout the week would work towards the ultimate goal of moving from Fat Chick to Hot Chick. Laying off the booze would also be advisable. Amy Whinehouse is plenty skinny, if you get what I'm sayin'.
Overall progress to date: C+
Week twenty and Fat Chick is down some noticeable pounds. A reasonable weight loss by this point would be between 40 and 45 pounds, and FC is currently sitting at a weight loss of 27 pounds. Acceptable, but not exactly awe inspiring. Given the current obstacles in her way (work, kids, finances, lazy) she is meeting expectations. With some increased dedication and additional focus, Fat Chick shows a lot of potential. Keep up the good work FC!
Dear Conscience:
Yeah, I know. I’m trying, but it’s not that easy to change years of bad habits and neurosis. I’m working on it, and it’s always top of my mind, and every time I cheat I feel really guilty about it which is all thanks to you. I don’t want to cheat, but…well, it’s finally summer and that comes with some stuff like eating nachos and drinking beer. Okay, so I did that during the winter too, but it’s so much more satisfying during the summer. And, I still really miss my co-workers and they were getting together this weekend, and what’s a girl to do? I know, I know. I’m going to stop. Honest. Quit looking at me that way. I mean it. Fuck off.
I did lose three pounds this week. I have 33 to go.
While Fat Chick's enthusiasm is often a pleasant addition, she is very easily distracted. The next twenty weeks should be pretty telling when determining the overall success of project ‘Quit Being So Fat, Yo’.
Working out: B-
FC's effort this term has been hit and miss. While she is sometimes extremely motivated, she is easily sidetracked by various occasions such as going away parties and long weekends. It would work in her favor to develop a plan well in advance of the week and make more of an effort to stick with it. She has, however, made some marvelous improvements to her strength, balance, and endurance levels. I am excited to learn that she has agreed to run as part of a relay team in the Queen City Marathon this September. With a continued focus on training, I am hopeful she won’t make a total ass of herself or break something. I’m not laying bets though.
Balanced Diet: C-
FC is able to stick to her diet regime during the week, but on the weekends she eats like she was just kicked off of Survivor. Finding a balance and observing a healthy diet throughout the week would work towards the ultimate goal of moving from Fat Chick to Hot Chick. Laying off the booze would also be advisable. Amy Whinehouse is plenty skinny, if you get what I'm sayin'.
Overall progress to date: C+
Week twenty and Fat Chick is down some noticeable pounds. A reasonable weight loss by this point would be between 40 and 45 pounds, and FC is currently sitting at a weight loss of 27 pounds. Acceptable, but not exactly awe inspiring. Given the current obstacles in her way (work, kids, finances, lazy) she is meeting expectations. With some increased dedication and additional focus, Fat Chick shows a lot of potential. Keep up the good work FC!
Dear Conscience:
Yeah, I know. I’m trying, but it’s not that easy to change years of bad habits and neurosis. I’m working on it, and it’s always top of my mind, and every time I cheat I feel really guilty about it which is all thanks to you. I don’t want to cheat, but…well, it’s finally summer and that comes with some stuff like eating nachos and drinking beer. Okay, so I did that during the winter too, but it’s so much more satisfying during the summer. And, I still really miss my co-workers and they were getting together this weekend, and what’s a girl to do? I know, I know. I’m going to stop. Honest. Quit looking at me that way. I mean it. Fuck off.
I did lose three pounds this week. I have 33 to go.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Fat Chick vs, Food - week Eighteen and Nineteen
I’m combining Fat Chick posts this week since I missed last week. I suck.
I’m still struggling with trying to get exercise and eating right into a schedule that seems to be all consuming. I’m getting there, but it’s not easy.
I think I am coming around to the inevitable conclusion that I’m going to have to exercise in the morning. I really, really, really don’t want to do that, but I can’t see away around it. I am not a morning person at all, and I have tried to work out in the morning in the past without much success. I bought into that whole line of thinking that it is a great way to start the day! If you exercise at 5:00 a.m. you’ll feel fabulous all day long!! I tried that, and all it did was make me a raging bitch all day long. I just don’t have the gene that makes people fabulous at 5:00 a.m. Unless it’s 5:00 a.m. and I’m still up, then I’m fabulous.
The kids have started soccer, we’re down to one car again, my work hours have increased, I have two parties to plan and I’m getting defeated. I ate crappy all weekend and I haven’t exercised as much as I should. I really need to get it together. This is what the backslide feels like. I haven’t even had time to read or write blogs lately, and that’s something I actually like to do. Life is too much and stressing me out.
I can’t even think of anything else to write. I’ve lost two pounds in two weeks. I have 36 more pounds to go. Blah.
I’m still struggling with trying to get exercise and eating right into a schedule that seems to be all consuming. I’m getting there, but it’s not easy.
I think I am coming around to the inevitable conclusion that I’m going to have to exercise in the morning. I really, really, really don’t want to do that, but I can’t see away around it. I am not a morning person at all, and I have tried to work out in the morning in the past without much success. I bought into that whole line of thinking that it is a great way to start the day! If you exercise at 5:00 a.m. you’ll feel fabulous all day long!! I tried that, and all it did was make me a raging bitch all day long. I just don’t have the gene that makes people fabulous at 5:00 a.m. Unless it’s 5:00 a.m. and I’m still up, then I’m fabulous.
The kids have started soccer, we’re down to one car again, my work hours have increased, I have two parties to plan and I’m getting defeated. I ate crappy all weekend and I haven’t exercised as much as I should. I really need to get it together. This is what the backslide feels like. I haven’t even had time to read or write blogs lately, and that’s something I actually like to do. Life is too much and stressing me out.
I can’t even think of anything else to write. I’ve lost two pounds in two weeks. I have 36 more pounds to go. Blah.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Seventeen
Week seventeen. Yeah……it’s coming off the rails, folks.
I should be down at least 35 pounds at this point and I’m not. I can hear my inner-skinny person yelling at me, but it’s pretty faint and muffled -
“Help me! I’ve fallen down and some giant Fat Chick is sitting on me and I can’t get up!” Heeeeelllllpppp Mmmmeeeeee…….”
My accomplishments so far have been respectable, but by no means awe inspiring. I’ve taken the edge off my fatness, but I’m still miles away from being fit and healthy. I feel and look better, but my progress has been non-existent for about the past month. I need to re-focus here. Fo sho.
Let’s have an Oprah moment, shall we? Why, exactly, is my commitment to kicking Fat Chick’s ass waning? Yes, I am very busy and my schedule is a definite cause of my lack of exercise and less than stellar diet choices lately. With three kids, a new job and various other commitments I can totally use lack of time as an actual reason why I have not been able to exercise and eat right everyday. But, that begs the question. How badly do I want to make this change? If some crazed lunatic broke into my house and kidnapped one of my kids and told me I would only get her* back if I ate a balanced diet and worked out everyday, I’m pretty sure I would magically find some time. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’d find it somewhere. Alas, I don’t have such a threat hanging over me and therefore when I finally get home and flop my fat ass on the couch it’s pretty easy to convince it to stay there. Who wants to go to the gym when Jack Bauer just found out that Tony Almeda betrayed him? Please! Gym shmym.
So, according to daytime talk show logic there is another reason I’m ‘choosing’ to stay fat. I have some deep seeded issues around body image, my parents, self-esteem or some long buried childhood trauma that is manifesting itself in shield of fat. Is there anyone else out there that thinks that line of thinking smacks a little of bullshit? I agree that for people who need to be cut out of their house and transported via semi-trailer there is probably some other issue at work there, but what about the rest of us regular fat people? Aren’t there any of us who are just plain straight up lazy? Do we ALL have some problem that reveals itself as fat? There are a lot of fat people in the world. I can’t believe that every last one of us would be raring to go the minute we fixed whatever emotional problem we have that is making us fat.
I like relaxing, and eating food that tastes good, and seeing my children for more than 30 minutes a day. I don’t like waking up at 5 a.m. to exercise, or tasteless food, or missing a night out with girls. But the thing is I really don’t like being fat, either. Not even a little. So…off I go. Week seventeen here I come. I am going to find some time this week to workout and my hidden emotional trauma and Jack Bauer are just going to have to suck it.
I gained 1.5 pounds last week. That means I still have 38 pounds to go.
* I’m assuming a crazed lunatic would take one the girls. The boy’s bedroom is at the back of the house and kind of hard to get to, and even if he manages to find him I’m pretty sure a crazed lunatic would trip on one of the 500 action figures spread all over the floor, waking everyone in the house with his swearing while he pulled out the transformer action figure piece that had became embedded in his knee cap.
I should be down at least 35 pounds at this point and I’m not. I can hear my inner-skinny person yelling at me, but it’s pretty faint and muffled -
“Help me! I’ve fallen down and some giant Fat Chick is sitting on me and I can’t get up!” Heeeeelllllpppp Mmmmeeeeee…….”
My accomplishments so far have been respectable, but by no means awe inspiring. I’ve taken the edge off my fatness, but I’m still miles away from being fit and healthy. I feel and look better, but my progress has been non-existent for about the past month. I need to re-focus here. Fo sho.
Let’s have an Oprah moment, shall we? Why, exactly, is my commitment to kicking Fat Chick’s ass waning? Yes, I am very busy and my schedule is a definite cause of my lack of exercise and less than stellar diet choices lately. With three kids, a new job and various other commitments I can totally use lack of time as an actual reason why I have not been able to exercise and eat right everyday. But, that begs the question. How badly do I want to make this change? If some crazed lunatic broke into my house and kidnapped one of my kids and told me I would only get her* back if I ate a balanced diet and worked out everyday, I’m pretty sure I would magically find some time. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’d find it somewhere. Alas, I don’t have such a threat hanging over me and therefore when I finally get home and flop my fat ass on the couch it’s pretty easy to convince it to stay there. Who wants to go to the gym when Jack Bauer just found out that Tony Almeda betrayed him? Please! Gym shmym.
So, according to daytime talk show logic there is another reason I’m ‘choosing’ to stay fat. I have some deep seeded issues around body image, my parents, self-esteem or some long buried childhood trauma that is manifesting itself in shield of fat. Is there anyone else out there that thinks that line of thinking smacks a little of bullshit? I agree that for people who need to be cut out of their house and transported via semi-trailer there is probably some other issue at work there, but what about the rest of us regular fat people? Aren’t there any of us who are just plain straight up lazy? Do we ALL have some problem that reveals itself as fat? There are a lot of fat people in the world. I can’t believe that every last one of us would be raring to go the minute we fixed whatever emotional problem we have that is making us fat.
I like relaxing, and eating food that tastes good, and seeing my children for more than 30 minutes a day. I don’t like waking up at 5 a.m. to exercise, or tasteless food, or missing a night out with girls. But the thing is I really don’t like being fat, either. Not even a little. So…off I go. Week seventeen here I come. I am going to find some time this week to workout and my hidden emotional trauma and Jack Bauer are just going to have to suck it.
I gained 1.5 pounds last week. That means I still have 38 pounds to go.
* I’m assuming a crazed lunatic would take one the girls. The boy’s bedroom is at the back of the house and kind of hard to get to, and even if he manages to find him I’m pretty sure a crazed lunatic would trip on one of the 500 action figures spread all over the floor, waking everyone in the house with his swearing while he pulled out the transformer action figure piece that had became embedded in his knee cap.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Sixteen
Well, hello there. I've been a little MIA lately. My bad. You guys can all stop the letter writing campaign now, I'm back. Ha! Yeah, whatever.
We are now actually about half way through week sixteen, and I’m only getting around to posting now. Unfortunately, that is a pretty accurate representation of how last week went with the whole Fat Chick project. I’ve been trying to get around to exercising, but well….my car was broken for a few days, and then work got SUPER busy, and then my kids got all needy and wanted a mother, blah, blah, blah.
I’m having a problem with balance. My old job was boring and easy so I had all kinds of time to plan meals, research fitness ideas and take off early to go workout. Since I went and got myself a real job, I’ve actually had to work during the day. Can you imagine? Like, all day.
When I get home I have a whole bunch of kids maul me immediately and by the time I manage to shake 'em off all I want to do is watch some crappy television show and then go to bed. I’ve tried working out in the morning, but I just can’t do it. My body can't be forced to do anything other than stand underneath running water and ingest coffee before 8:00 am.
I’ve been pretty good with the food, but the taunting force of the Easter chocolate that I KNOW is in my house has broken me a few times. I gave it all to the Hubby to hide so I wouldn’t be tempted, but all that’s really done is provoke me to rip my house apart like some crazed crack addict who has misplaced her stash. Seriously, last night you would have assumed I had hosted The Who concert after party based on all the crap I had thrown around looking for that fucking chocolate rabbit.
So, what’s a Fat Chick to do? I’m not sure, actually. Cut what I’m eating way down and make peace with starvation? Exercise like a lunatic on the weekends? I honestly can’t quite come up with a real option right now, but one thing I know I’m not going to do is surrender.
I have lost weight in the past and I know how this goes. I inevitably get to a certain point and then surrender to it all. I let the Fat Chick win and then spend the next year gaining all my weight back. I’m not sure how to continue the momentum I have grown these past sixteen weeks, but I’m going to come up with something. I better come up with something.
I haven't lost any weight in ten days. I still have 36.5 pounds to go.
We are now actually about half way through week sixteen, and I’m only getting around to posting now. Unfortunately, that is a pretty accurate representation of how last week went with the whole Fat Chick project. I’ve been trying to get around to exercising, but well….my car was broken for a few days, and then work got SUPER busy, and then my kids got all needy and wanted a mother, blah, blah, blah.
I’m having a problem with balance. My old job was boring and easy so I had all kinds of time to plan meals, research fitness ideas and take off early to go workout. Since I went and got myself a real job, I’ve actually had to work during the day. Can you imagine? Like, all day.
When I get home I have a whole bunch of kids maul me immediately and by the time I manage to shake 'em off all I want to do is watch some crappy television show and then go to bed. I’ve tried working out in the morning, but I just can’t do it. My body can't be forced to do anything other than stand underneath running water and ingest coffee before 8:00 am.
I’ve been pretty good with the food, but the taunting force of the Easter chocolate that I KNOW is in my house has broken me a few times. I gave it all to the Hubby to hide so I wouldn’t be tempted, but all that’s really done is provoke me to rip my house apart like some crazed crack addict who has misplaced her stash. Seriously, last night you would have assumed I had hosted The Who concert after party based on all the crap I had thrown around looking for that fucking chocolate rabbit.
So, what’s a Fat Chick to do? I’m not sure, actually. Cut what I’m eating way down and make peace with starvation? Exercise like a lunatic on the weekends? I honestly can’t quite come up with a real option right now, but one thing I know I’m not going to do is surrender.
I have lost weight in the past and I know how this goes. I inevitably get to a certain point and then surrender to it all. I let the Fat Chick win and then spend the next year gaining all my weight back. I’m not sure how to continue the momentum I have grown these past sixteen weeks, but I’m going to come up with something. I better come up with something.
I haven't lost any weight in ten days. I still have 36.5 pounds to go.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Fifteen
I’m still going to boot camp three days a week and it’s very effective. I’m sweaty and gross by the time I leave so I think that is a good measure of any workout session. Unfortunately for me Trainer Lady went and got herself a day job, and therefore is not running the boot camps anymore. She is still offering one-on-one sessions thank god, but running the boot camps three times a week has been passed to another trainer. A DUDE no less.
At first I kind of liked him. He was so hilariously awkward that it was sort of charming. Watching some big muscle-head guy stand at the front of a gym leading a group of mom-types in a fitness class was providing a new level of amusement to my exercise routine. He also plays really loud circa 1995 alternative rock music which I also like. It’s sort of like being 23 again and back in my favorite bar shaking my fabulous ass. My ass was fabulous in 1995.
The last few classes, however, I have been reminded. He’s a guy. A fitness trainer guy. Guys, especially the type of guys who become personal trainers, don’t like fat chicks. I love Trainer Lady not because she is a great trainer (she is), but because she didn’t pass judgment on me when I showed up on her doorstep all fat and out of shape and defeated. She accepted me for where I was and dug in. And, a couple of weeks ago when we did my three month reassessment and had discovered that I had lost twenty pounds and sixteen inches, she was genuinely happy for me. Trainer Lady has played a big part in my success so far. I don't even know her very well, but I somehow still want to do her proud. I love her.
I’m not feeling the love from Trainer Dude. He is trying his best to mask his distaste for me (as resident fat chick in boot camp class), but he’s not very good at it. I’m pretty sure I’m the butt of a few jokes when he goes home to whoever he goes home too. Whoever that person may be, my money is on them not being a fat chick.
You know, I honestly don’t care what he thinks of me. I don’t need to like this guy; I just need him to lead me through some exercise three times a week. The thing that does bother me is that in his subtle way he drives home the fact that I’m the fat chick. He reminds me that more often than not I’m the chick who is standing next to the hot chicks being completely ignored by some random asshole. I don’t need or want attention from assholes, I just don’t want to be the fat chick anymore. Yes, I know I’m the fat chick. That’s why I’m in that fucking exercise class in the first place.
Well, you know what Trainer Dude? You’re ugly* and you have stupid clothes. So there. I’m fat and immature. Deal.
I lost two pounds this week. I have 36.5 to go.
*He's not really ugly - he's just a regular guy. I kind of feel bad writing that, but not quite bad enough to remove it. After a talk with myself I settled on a disclaimer. I totally stand by the stupid clothes comment though.
At first I kind of liked him. He was so hilariously awkward that it was sort of charming. Watching some big muscle-head guy stand at the front of a gym leading a group of mom-types in a fitness class was providing a new level of amusement to my exercise routine. He also plays really loud circa 1995 alternative rock music which I also like. It’s sort of like being 23 again and back in my favorite bar shaking my fabulous ass. My ass was fabulous in 1995.
The last few classes, however, I have been reminded. He’s a guy. A fitness trainer guy. Guys, especially the type of guys who become personal trainers, don’t like fat chicks. I love Trainer Lady not because she is a great trainer (she is), but because she didn’t pass judgment on me when I showed up on her doorstep all fat and out of shape and defeated. She accepted me for where I was and dug in. And, a couple of weeks ago when we did my three month reassessment and had discovered that I had lost twenty pounds and sixteen inches, she was genuinely happy for me. Trainer Lady has played a big part in my success so far. I don't even know her very well, but I somehow still want to do her proud. I love her.
I’m not feeling the love from Trainer Dude. He is trying his best to mask his distaste for me (as resident fat chick in boot camp class), but he’s not very good at it. I’m pretty sure I’m the butt of a few jokes when he goes home to whoever he goes home too. Whoever that person may be, my money is on them not being a fat chick.
You know, I honestly don’t care what he thinks of me. I don’t need to like this guy; I just need him to lead me through some exercise three times a week. The thing that does bother me is that in his subtle way he drives home the fact that I’m the fat chick. He reminds me that more often than not I’m the chick who is standing next to the hot chicks being completely ignored by some random asshole. I don’t need or want attention from assholes, I just don’t want to be the fat chick anymore. Yes, I know I’m the fat chick. That’s why I’m in that fucking exercise class in the first place.
Well, you know what Trainer Dude? You’re ugly* and you have stupid clothes. So there. I’m fat and immature. Deal.
I lost two pounds this week. I have 36.5 to go.
*He's not really ugly - he's just a regular guy. I kind of feel bad writing that, but not quite bad enough to remove it. After a talk with myself I settled on a disclaimer. I totally stand by the stupid clothes comment though.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Fourteen
Alright week fourteen! Wow, that week went by pretty quick. In fact, all the weeks are going by pretty quick. I’ve been using the “I’ll just cheat a little now, and be REALLY good next week” line of thinking for a while now. I’ve missed two boot camp classes in a row because I decided to go for beer and nachos instead of exercising. I’m still losing weight, but I betcha it would be coming off a lot faster if I didn’t cheat so much. I know, I should give myself a break, and I do. Obviously. The plate of nachos I inhaled Friday night had a little voice with a sexy Mexican accent telling me to go for it.
‘Seniorita! What is boot aaa feuu nachos? You cheeet a leetle, no?’
It’s hard for me to walk the line between leading a regular life that is healthy with the odd treat, vs. indulging every craving, opportunity and whim that comes my way that involves food and drink. I’m stressed, I miss my co-workers, I feel like I’m always behind, and I use these excuses to cheat. Just this ONE time. This ONE time seems to be happening a lot lately. And holy SHIT, it’s almost Easter. I am seriously expected to buy a huge bag of chocolates and hide them all over my house? Are you kidding? That’s what I’m trying to STOP doing. Do you think my kids will mind if I gave them yogurt cups and grapes instead?
I did get my first 'holy shit, look at you’ this weekend, so that felt good. My life is pretty regulated and I do the same things day after day. I am in fact quite dull. Consequently, I see the same people every day which means my weight loss has gone largely unnoticed. On Saturday I went to a baby shower that was filled with people I only see a few times a year, and more than a few people seemed obviously surprised with my new boot-ay. It felt pretty good. So, off I go! The beginning of week fourteen. I am going to boot camp tonight (thanks to Keely who it going to take over some of my mom-duties in order to make it possible for me to go. She rocks), I have trainer lady Tuesday, boot camp Wednesday, the gym on Thursday, boot camp Friday and most likely squash during the weekend. And, I might throw in a few AA meetings because I’m jumping back on the wagon. No booze for me, the WHOLE week. Now, if I can only figure out a way around those fucking chocolate eggs I’ll be golden.
I only lost one pound this week (stupid nachos). I have 38.5 to go.
‘Seniorita! What is boot aaa feuu nachos? You cheeet a leetle, no?’
It’s hard for me to walk the line between leading a regular life that is healthy with the odd treat, vs. indulging every craving, opportunity and whim that comes my way that involves food and drink. I’m stressed, I miss my co-workers, I feel like I’m always behind, and I use these excuses to cheat. Just this ONE time. This ONE time seems to be happening a lot lately. And holy SHIT, it’s almost Easter. I am seriously expected to buy a huge bag of chocolates and hide them all over my house? Are you kidding? That’s what I’m trying to STOP doing. Do you think my kids will mind if I gave them yogurt cups and grapes instead?
I did get my first 'holy shit, look at you’ this weekend, so that felt good. My life is pretty regulated and I do the same things day after day. I am in fact quite dull. Consequently, I see the same people every day which means my weight loss has gone largely unnoticed. On Saturday I went to a baby shower that was filled with people I only see a few times a year, and more than a few people seemed obviously surprised with my new boot-ay. It felt pretty good. So, off I go! The beginning of week fourteen. I am going to boot camp tonight (thanks to Keely who it going to take over some of my mom-duties in order to make it possible for me to go. She rocks), I have trainer lady Tuesday, boot camp Wednesday, the gym on Thursday, boot camp Friday and most likely squash during the weekend. And, I might throw in a few AA meetings because I’m jumping back on the wagon. No booze for me, the WHOLE week. Now, if I can only figure out a way around those fucking chocolate eggs I’ll be golden.
I only lost one pound this week (stupid nachos). I have 38.5 to go.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Thirteen
I have officially completed my first three months. I have been working with Trainer Lady since January 8th, and at my session last week she decided to re-check my measurements. If you will recall, my first meeting with Trainer Lady was a lesson in humiliation. This time, the measuring was far less horrifying:
Here is the new vs. old:
Big and Fat FoN (Jan 8th)
Chest: 43.5
Waist: 40
Hip: 49 (ugh, that one hurts)
Moderately Chubby FoN (March 24th)
Chest: 40.5
Waist: 35
Hip: 40.5
You betcha ladies – that is a total inches down of 16.5! Almost nine of that has come off my ass alone. I’m pretty pleased with myself. However…I must say I am starting to miss my boobs. The girls were the only good thing about getting fat, and now they are disappearing and I can’t wear any of my good bra's. But, let’s look on the bright side. My ass is now less Rosanne Barr and more J-Lo. Alright, that might be getting carried away. My ass is now more J-Loish. I’m Jloish. FoN Jloish, that’s me. If I ever have to flee the country at the last minute and need an alias, I'm totally using that one.
Anyhoo – this week was not only the end of my first three months of Fat Chick vs. Food, but it marked the last full week at my job. So what does that have to do with a Fat Chick post you ask? Umm….well…it meant that I cheated a LOT this week. Tons of food, drinks, drinks, some food and maybe a few drinks here and there. Let me put it this way – Friday night found me and my soon-to-be former co-workers at the gay bar at 2:30 am doing the Thriller dance and drinking some kind of liquor that tasted like apples.
I would normally be beating myself up about sucking on the ol’ diet this week, but it’s been an emotional week that had me focusing more on my impending career change and less on the size of my ass. I still did manage five days of exercise though, so I was able to stop the bleeding a little and didn't gain anything this week. I didn't lose anything either, but whatever. Watching Cutie Pie get down with his bad self was totally worth it.
Here is the new vs. old:
Big and Fat FoN (Jan 8th)
Chest: 43.5
Waist: 40
Hip: 49 (ugh, that one hurts)
Moderately Chubby FoN (March 24th)
Chest: 40.5
Waist: 35
Hip: 40.5
You betcha ladies – that is a total inches down of 16.5! Almost nine of that has come off my ass alone. I’m pretty pleased with myself. However…I must say I am starting to miss my boobs. The girls were the only good thing about getting fat, and now they are disappearing and I can’t wear any of my good bra's. But, let’s look on the bright side. My ass is now less Rosanne Barr and more J-Lo. Alright, that might be getting carried away. My ass is now more J-Loish. I’m Jloish. FoN Jloish, that’s me. If I ever have to flee the country at the last minute and need an alias, I'm totally using that one.
Anyhoo – this week was not only the end of my first three months of Fat Chick vs. Food, but it marked the last full week at my job. So what does that have to do with a Fat Chick post you ask? Umm….well…it meant that I cheated a LOT this week. Tons of food, drinks, drinks, some food and maybe a few drinks here and there. Let me put it this way – Friday night found me and my soon-to-be former co-workers at the gay bar at 2:30 am doing the Thriller dance and drinking some kind of liquor that tasted like apples.
I would normally be beating myself up about sucking on the ol’ diet this week, but it’s been an emotional week that had me focusing more on my impending career change and less on the size of my ass. I still did manage five days of exercise though, so I was able to stop the bleeding a little and didn't gain anything this week. I didn't lose anything either, but whatever. Watching Cutie Pie get down with his bad self was totally worth it.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twelve
This is the twelfth week of Fat Chick vs. Food. I have been officially at this for three months, so I think it’s time to take stock of who is actually winning this contest.
In the left corner we have Fat Chick, wearing sweatpants, a ponytail and a t-shirt she pulled out of a case of beer. She’s looking leaner than we last saw her, and sitting in her corner are her friends Determination, Strength of Will and the Desire for Nicer Clothes.
In the right hand corner we have Food, wearing a potato chip bag and glazed donut bracelets. Food has taken a beating these last few rounds, but is still standing and should not be underestimated at this point in our competition. In Food’s corner we have his friends Indulgence, Stress and Insecurity.
We’re only a third of the way in and think we’re going to have to call it in Fat Chick’s favor......so far. Food has put forth an impressive effort, especially with a very strong starting line up that includes beer, wine, nachos, pizza and cheeseburgers. However, Fat Chick has shown a remarkable counter offensive that includes the gym, bootcamp, squash, vegetables and Trainer Lady.
So here we are, three months in. Food is tricky and has landed a few good blows, so we can’t count him out yet. Complacency, Self Doubt and Beer on the Deck are all ringers Food has just signed to contract and they may see a spot in the starting line up in the very near future. Fat Chick is going to have to keep vigilant and be ready to take Food out at the knees. No more fucking around, Fat Chick. You better be prepared to pop a cap in his ass, sista. True dat, yo!!!
Uhhh……sorry. I guess Fat Chick sometimes forgets she’s a chubby white girl living in Saskatchewan. All 'gangsta's' write in the third person, don't they?
I lost another 2.5 pounds this week, bringing the total to 20.5 pounds down. I have 39.5 pounds to go. Wow, 39 pounds sounds so much better than sixty.
In the left corner we have Fat Chick, wearing sweatpants, a ponytail and a t-shirt she pulled out of a case of beer. She’s looking leaner than we last saw her, and sitting in her corner are her friends Determination, Strength of Will and the Desire for Nicer Clothes.
In the right hand corner we have Food, wearing a potato chip bag and glazed donut bracelets. Food has taken a beating these last few rounds, but is still standing and should not be underestimated at this point in our competition. In Food’s corner we have his friends Indulgence, Stress and Insecurity.
We’re only a third of the way in and think we’re going to have to call it in Fat Chick’s favor......so far. Food has put forth an impressive effort, especially with a very strong starting line up that includes beer, wine, nachos, pizza and cheeseburgers. However, Fat Chick has shown a remarkable counter offensive that includes the gym, bootcamp, squash, vegetables and Trainer Lady.
So here we are, three months in. Food is tricky and has landed a few good blows, so we can’t count him out yet. Complacency, Self Doubt and Beer on the Deck are all ringers Food has just signed to contract and they may see a spot in the starting line up in the very near future. Fat Chick is going to have to keep vigilant and be ready to take Food out at the knees. No more fucking around, Fat Chick. You better be prepared to pop a cap in his ass, sista. True dat, yo!!!
Uhhh……sorry. I guess Fat Chick sometimes forgets she’s a chubby white girl living in Saskatchewan. All 'gangsta's' write in the third person, don't they?
I lost another 2.5 pounds this week, bringing the total to 20.5 pounds down. I have 39.5 pounds to go. Wow, 39 pounds sounds so much better than sixty.
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