I decided when my children were born that I didn’t really want them to get married. I was not prepared to share any of them with some other random family who might eat mutton or open all their gifts on Christmas Eve.
I mean, what if my kids ended up with a skinny mother-in-law? She would be in the wedding photos all beautiful and thin and wearing a tasteful Marc Jacobs dress with open-toed sandals and a silk scarf just barely covering her arms because she’s so beautiful and skinny that she can go sleeveless and it’s July so it’s warm outside so she doesn’t even have to wear her scarf/wrap thing that much and then she’s on the dance floor with my son and everyone is smiling and clapping because it’s just such a beautiful wedding and “Wow, doesn’t she look great for her age!”?
That’s just not okay.
For obvious reasons.
But, the idea of grandchildren kind of appeals to me, and then there is that whole thinking around my kids being happy and in love and having a nice life with a partner who loves them and scratches their back before going to bed at night because it’s always easier to sleep after a good back-scratch.
So I’ve decided to arrange all my children’s marriages and force them to marry the children of my friends.
The only problem I see with this plan is that all my friends are really beautiful and shit so I would end up with the Marc Jacobs-sleeveless-dress-skinnier-than-me-in-the-pictures problem anyway.
But I could deal with it better if the skinny and beautiful MIL was one of my friends because then I would feel okay about sneaking my arm around their back and giving them bunny ears in every wedding picture.
No matter how gorgeous you are, no one can pull off bunny ears.
So! Who to match up with whom? The first one is easy. My son Jake is betrothed to Politica’s daughter Mara. Mara is about four and a half years younger than Jake, but that’s only a problem now. I won’t make them start dating for another 20 years, which will make them 28 and 24 respectively which is far less creepy. They will date for three years and then they will get married.
I have only recently shared this news with Jake. He took it like a champ.
Me – You’re going to help me clean up the house today, okay Jake?
Jake – What!!? No way! Why do I have to help clean the house?
Me – You need to learn how to clean the house because I expect you to be a good husband to Mara.
Jake – I’m NOT getting married!!
Me – Well, not right now you’re not, but when you’re 28 and finished college and have a good job you’re going to start dating Mara. Then when you’re 31 and she’s 27 you’re going to get married and Aunt Politica is going to wear a really nice sleeveless Marc Jacobs dress to your wedding.
Jake – Okay. Whatever. I’ll marry Mara, but then you have to buy me a light saber.
Me – I’ll buy you a light saber, but only as a wedding present. You have to marry Mara first.
Jake – No, I need the light saber first.
Me – No deal. Marriage, then light saber.
Jake – Well MOM! I have to have the light saber first because I’ll need it to save Mara’s life because that’s how she’s going to fall in love with me!!
Good point, son.
I hadn’t thought of that.
I wonder what he’ll want when he finds out he’s going to have to convert to Judaism?