Monday, July 13, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Twenty Four

If you recall I was lamenting last week about how we can’t really have it all, I’m happy just to be home for a while with the family, a happy fat is just fine, blah, blah, blah. What a total crock of shit, huh?

Yeah, that is what we call rationalizing a backslide people.

This is an interesting turn of events for me. Traditionally, around the 30 pound down mark something shitty happens to me and I use that as an excuse to stop exercising and start eating chocolate cake for breakfast all the while telling myself that it’s okay because hey! At least I’m eating breakfast, right?

Here I am around the 30 lbs mark and life could not be going more swimmingly. All the things I’ve ever wanted seem to have fallen into place in a way that I never really thought would actually happen. No horrendous loss has befallen me, no reality crushing blow has shaken my foundation…. hell, my biggest worry of late is reserved for the kids of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Oh yeah, did you see him this weekend??? He was photographed in France gallivanting with some chippy – can you believe that? Dumbass. What about the KIDS Jon! Think of the KIDS!!! They’re old enough to read now! How do you think they feel seeing their father with someone else all over a magazine cover? Dumbass! Sorry, back to the fat chick thing....

As I was saying, my life is going just fine, and yet I still find myself in a familiar position - TOTALLY WUSING OUT. Why? Why Why Why is this so hard for me? Why do I fall off the wagon after seeing so much success? Oprah would say that it’s because I have low self esteem and don’t think I’m worthy of a healthy body. Okay, there might be some of that there, but I don’t think that’s the whole answer. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and this time around I think I’m sabotaging myself because I’m worried my contented little life will vanish any day now if I get my weight under control. I know that sounds ridiculous to all of you sane and rational people out there, but I’m a little nutty. I believe that if I get the last major thing in my life that has been a serious problem for me under control I’ll be way too happy and therefore something terrible will happen. Logically I know that’s ridiculous, but that’s where my brain goes. It’s not easy being crazy, trust me.

I have all the tools I need. My whole family is very supportive. I do not have one of those husbands on the reality shows that makes his wife feel like crap every time she leaves him with the kids to go work out. He is all for it – never once has he ever suggested he couldn’t hold down the fort while I went to work out. I know he wants me to get into shape. That poor guy really is pretty screwed. He’s the one with a front row seat watching me give up, and I know how badly he wants to kick my ass and tell me to quit fucking around and get back at ‘er, but he can’t. He has learned that lesson well over the years. If he doesn’t say anything he has to sit back and watch me get fat all over again. If he does say something, he has to watch me have a total freak out, accuse him of not loving me anymore and then have a raging battle that ends in us not speaking. And then he’ll have to watch me get fat all over again anyway.

What I need to do is stop worrying about the things I can’t control and start focusing on what I CAN control. I can’t control when someone I love gets cancer, but I can control my weight and health. There really isn’t a finite amount of good things that can happen to me. Is it temping fate to even write that down?

I have gained five pounds in the last month. That’s a total loss of 23lbs since January, and a whopping 37 pounds to go. Sigh.

Backslide over. And…… we go!


Jenni said...

what an incredibly self-aware and self-motivating post. way to give yourself a good talking to.

Jennifer said...

Well I'm right in there fighting with you. I challenged one of my good friends. Whoever wins gets a kid free night out on the town hit her hubby while the loser gets stuck watching all four kids. That's something to fight for.

robin said...

Most of this battle is about insight, rather than the food, which clearly you know. So good for you! It really is the denial that does us in faster than anything else. When we tell ourselves the real truth, it hurts a lot at first but it does make everything easier in the long run.
And what is it with the whole, "if I am happy, bad things happen" phenomenon? I have that too, the constant looking over my shoulder, the perpetual waiting for the axe to fall, the always holding my breath. It really robs us of true happiness, doesn't it? Sigh.
Anyway, keep up the good work. You can do this! :)

Tricia McWhorter said...

I understand the worry about jinxing yourself—waiting for the other shoe to drop when things are going well. But I've also studied the Law of Attraction which says like attracts like. In other words, if you focus your energy on how well things are going and stop worrying then you're more apt to attract more good things into your life. It's not as easy as it sounds but when I can manage it it really seems to work. Good luck!

Casey said...

Listen asshole, go work out. I was trying to be supportive of you wanting to do the family thing but if you want drill sergeant, it's on. Drop and gimme 50.

Elisa said...

This is a great post! And very inspiring, too - because that is exactly what I do. The moment things start working I sabotage myself.

Thank you for reminding us all that we can, and should get it together and keep going, not give in once again!