Monday, April 26, 2010

Fat Chick Update

I am sure that at least one or two of you have noticed I haven’t been providing Fat Chick updates lately.

Guess why?

Because I have lost all of my excess weight and I am now a svelte 125lbs. Food is no longer an issue for me, and my favorite meal is steamed white fish with a side of broccoli. I have learned to just LOVE the gym, and I go there so often that all the staff yell “FoN!” when I walk in the door. I always respond with some witty gym banter like, “Mornin’ folks! Is that a bosu ball you have there, or are you just happy to see me?”

In fact, I’ve quit my job and am going back to school to become a personal trainer, just like all the former fatties from the Biggest Loser.

Then I’m going to get famous and design handbags.

Because as far as I can tell anyone that is famous without having any specific talent at some point designs handbags.

The end.

Okay, everything included in the above might not be entirely accurate, but I wanted to live in that fantasy world for a few moments.

I’m still fat. I haven’t lost a single pound since fall.

I suck.

I have started seeing Trainer Lady again though. She seems to not give up on me, so that’s nice. The fact I pay her probably doesn’t hurt either though.

I love going to see Trainer Lady. She trains me without judgment, and for someone like her I would imagine that to be difficult. This is best demonstrated by the fact she’s in Las Vegas this week and told me at our last session she was mostly excited about going to Vegas to workout because she loves working out on vacation.

She and I don’t really have much in common.

And that’s probably a good thing. If it was up to me we’d blow off that whole exercise thing each week and go for beers and nachos.

The only problem I do have working out with Trainer Lady is that I totally SUCK at pretty much everything she asks me to do. I have no strength, I get winded after 30 seconds and I have the balance of a toddler.

I’m not really one of these people that needs to be good at everything - I suck at tons of stuff and I’m pretty much okay with it.

I can’t parallel park to save my life.

The best round of golf I shot ever was a 75. For nine holes.

It took me an hour and a half to ski down a 20 minute run while on vacation in February.

People know these things about me, and it’s all just fine.

The problem with Trainer Lady is that she ONLY sees me when I’m sucking at something. She doesn’t know me as anything other than the chick who she trains that sucks at everything.

But I’m good at stuff, Trainer Lady!

I would kick all y’all’s ASS at Donkey Kong (the Colecovision version circa 1985).

I can sing the entire harmony part to Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Trouble Water.

I almost always win at rock, paper, scissors. BAM! How to do you like me NOW? That’s what I thought.

It’s okay if she doesn’t immediately recognize my mad skills.

I'm a ninja.

A chubby ninja with no balance and limited cardiovascular ability.

I am going to keep going to Trainer Lady. And try this whole business AGAIN.

How else will I be able to eventually realize my dream of becoming famous hand-bag designer?



Michele said...

First it's handbags then it perfume! You go!

Captain Dumbass said...

I actually have my own line of "man-bags" and cologne coming out later in the spring, and by "coming out" I mean being introduced to the public for purchase and not "coming out," 'cause Homie don't play dat. Not that I begrudge anyone who comes out comes out, cause I'm all about people being happy.

Speaking of happy, how much cough syrup is too much cough syrup?

Miss Angie said...

Oh my, I'm so fat too. It sucks, and I think I've gained weight since Fall.

I gotta step up and do something.

Jenni said...

She works out on vacation?


Unknown said...

Rock paper scissors, bwaahaah!

I give you credit for sticking with it. I can't even commit to wii fit.

robin said...

Yeah, I like vacation because IT'S FREAKING VACATION! Ahem.
I wish I had a trainer. I have NO motivation to work out more than once every few months. If that, and I have a gym in my apartment complex. No excuse, really!
PS- I rocked ColecoVision too!

Jennifer said...

Parallel parking should be illegal. Seriously.

Keely said...

I think you should just skip straight to designing handbags. Then you'll rock the convention for being famous for designing handbags FIRST.

Casey said...

Meh, me neither. I'm working on it though. We had a weekend away from the kids and actually went to the gym both days, so I'm almost as bad as trainer lady except I didn't enjoy it.

Tricia McWhorter said...

Wow. I soooo hadn't made that handbag connection. Maybe we should design handbags together! We already seem to have an awful lot in common.

Unknown said...

The world doesn't need another handbag, especially the ones that can carry a pet. And you are perfect the way you are. I think in honor of all women who in one way or another despies their bodies, or who live in the fear of being "fat"(what ever that means), you should ditch the "Fat Chick Update" and start something like "I am too sexy for my . . ." update. Just a suggestion from a person who has swung both sides of the scale and is still in motion.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I'll totally buy your hand bags!

I have been trying and failing to lose weight as well. I've lost and regained the same 10 pounds over and over each month since January.

Raven said...

'I’m not really one of these people that needs to be good at everything - I suck at tons of stuff and I’m pretty much okay with it.'

That is hilarious! I'm pretty much the same way. I also need to lose weight, and we seem to have some other things in common, so we could probably hang out but then there'd be all those beers and nachos and that never ends well.

Have a great day!

Mrsbear said...

I think the gym angst could provide a huge amount of artistic handbag inspiration.

Ms. Salti said...

Love. This. Post.

That's all!