Friday, January 30, 2009

I need to go work in the marketing department at this company

I get a lot of 'joke' emails and most of them are stupid. This one came today and I think it's hysterical. I'm clearly a twelve year-old boy trapped in a soccer mom's body.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I wish I could afford Liposuction

“It’s a tricep party!” is now a punch line for everything. Keely and I went to ‘boot camp’ class last night, which included 45 minutes of resistance training and 45 minutes of cardio calisthenics-type stuff. It sucked. I hate lunges and there were many many lunges. What I hate even more than lunges? Exceedingly perky boot camp class instructors.

Good god, this chick was a piece of work. Between shouting motivators such as “Hey ladies! Are we having a party or what!!? It’s a TRICEP party! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!” she would mouth the words to the Duran Duran remix tape she forced us to listen to.

Nobody should be that enthusiastic about exercise. It was NOT a party, we were NOT having fun, I DON’T want to pretend I’m making a rainbow with my arms while holding five pound weights and nobody over the age of twelve should be allowed to wear pigtails.

However, I am in an appropriate amount of pain today and I must have burned a lot of calories because I have been starving since I finished that class at 8:00 pm last night. I didn’t even cave and eat junk food either! Do you hear that Ms. Donuts for Lunch? And since Ms. Donuts for Lunch is going with me I will have someone to roll my eyes with the whole class so I might just do it again. We’ll have to see how high my tolerance level is for annoyance by next week. I’m going to look into some kind of martial art too. Punching things is appealing.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Top Five Worst Jobs Ever

Lately my career could be going better. I would like to continue to be able to pay my mortgage so I won’t go into details, but I will say this - if this was Survivor I have found myself in the wrong alliance and now I am very close to getting voted off the island. But it could be worse. My current employment woes pale in comparison to some of the other craptastic jobs I’ve held in my lifetime. In order of suck -

#5. Cocktail waitress at a local casino - 1995

Don’t go thinking all Vegas glamour here – this was a small and mucky casino in the middle of Regina, Saskatchewan. The top prize offered in one of the games was a used 1987 Ford Tempo that smelled slightly of vomit. My boss would sit in the back room and get completely shitfaced all night and then grope me while I tried to cash out at 2:00 am. The co-worker I was closest to was a fellow cocktail waitress who only worked one night a week because she wanted a break from her regular job as a prostitute. Most of her clients she found at the casino, so that gives you an idea of the kind clientele I was dealing with.

#4. Administrative Clerk at an insurance company – 1997

I had only two duties at this job. One was to do all the filing for everyone who worked in the pensions department, which was about 75 people. I would average 4 to 5 hours a day in a little room all by myself filing. The other task was to answer the telephone and talk to old ladies whose husbands had just died. Because these women were in possession of a vagina their husbands didn’t tell them anything about their financial situation. Once they become widowed they would call me and repeat random numbers they found on random pieces of paper and ask me to help them figure out if they were going to be homeless or not. Most of the time, they were.

#3 Donut kiosk at the mall – 1990

It wasn’t even a full-fledged donut shop, it was just a little stand in the food court. My boss didn’t speak a word of English and I never had any clue what he was talking about. He always seemed angry though, and he eventually spit out ‘FIRED’ pretty clearly so that was the end of that.

#2 Receptionist at an electrical repair company – 1996

I was hired as a receptionist, but when I got there they wanted me to do the accounting. ALL of the accounting. Since I didn’t know anything about accounting, I ended up cleaning all day. It was a mom and pop operation and the mom was extremely anal retentive. They had a little fluffy punt-dog that would run around the office shedding everywhere so I was asked to vacuum a lot. When I was done vacuuming the office? I had to vacuum the dog.

The number ONE all time WORST JOB EVER goes to –

#1. Bill Collector – 1994

I had to call poor people all day and hassle them about not being able to pay their bills. This was sadly ironic since I spent most of the 90’s in abject poverty myself. The boss was a megalomaniac of the highest order and would routinely take our chairs away if we were not making quota. He would also blast horrible mariachi band music throughout the office as a way to ‘motivate’ the staff, and then stand at the front of the room throwing a gigantic football indiscriminately at our heads in order to ‘keep us on our toes’. Most days I would spend standing over my desk trying to read the screen for details on the poor sops I was supposed to yell at with my finger in one ear to drown out the blaring music while dodging the football that would routinely go whizzing by my head.

Yes, it certainly could be worse. Anyone out there have a horrible job experience? I would love to hear it. Other peoples misery makes me feel better.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Random Tuesday Thought day - for KEELY!


I need a lesson on blogging manners - I keep participating in these standard weekly posting themes but always forget to tell you who is the mastermind, which is kind of the point, correct? This one is for Keely at Un-Mom. The weight loss posts are for Casey at Hasay. There. Sorry ladies! I will try to be more considerate in the future. Unfortunately these days I can't think of anything other than how fucking cold I am every minute of every day.

I’m going to go completely insane if it doesn’t warm up soon. I have to escape this weather – no human should have to live through this. Right now I’m totally willing to cash in my Canadian citizenship and go join Castro’s revolution. Democracy can go fuck itself if it means I get to feel the tip of my nose again in this lifetime.

My daughter died her hair orange. On purpose. Yeah, I know it’s a right of passage to massacre your hair at fifteen years old, but…...yikes. She looks like she just stepped out of a Dr. Seuss cartoon.

I’m sad I didn’t win that 44 million dollars that was up for grabs in the 6-49 this weekend. I had all kinds of plans for that money. I guess it’s not very responsible to have ‘win the lottery’ as your plan A, is it?

How come Paula Abdul isn’t shit-faced on American Idol this year? Watching that train wreck is the main reason I tune into that show.

I learned today that smart on its own gets you nowhere. Smart with a side order of evil? Now THAT gets you places.

I’m really cold. I know I’ve covered this already, but I just can’t let it go. All day every day I am freezing to death and I just can’t take it anymore. My entire body has been ice cold for two solid months and if I don’t get some heat in my person sometime soon pieces of me are going to start dropping off. My last power bill was $260. Yes, that was only for one month. This is inhuman. What kind of dumbass decided this piece of nowhere was a perfect place to stop and build a town? I don't know, but that guy was an asshole.

I think I would qualify for refugee status because if I stay here any longer I am going to die – from either frost bite or my own hand. Florida? Nevada? New Mexico? Anyone out there want me? I have a myriad of useless skills that qualify me to do all kinds of useless things. I’m sure there is some douche bag somewhere south that needs a secretary, right?? Please, someone out there rescue me from this godforsaken land. It's really, really, really starting to effect my usually sunny disposition.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week 4

I really hate this shit. It sucks. Okay, so it turns out this week wasn’t the magical week my inner-voice rose up and started kicking some serious boot-ay. I didn’t fall off the wagon per se, but by Saturday of this week I was hanging off the side while one of those Hollywood bad-guy types dressed as nachos and beer was kicking me in the face with his boot.

On the exercise front I managed two trips to the gym, a squash game and a few half-hearted workouts at home with my new routine complements of Trainer Lady. There are a surprising number of exercises you can do with a giant ball and a fat rubber band, by the way. Working with the ball has taken some getting used to because (a) I have the balance of a toddler, and (b) the only other time I've been on that ball a few hours later I was holding a new baby.

I did have a few legitimate excuses for my lame effort this week – its back to being slightly cooler than the arctic circle around here and I screwed up my back early in the week which was pretty painful and limited my movement. Of course the main excuse would be that I suck. I really could have done more than I did. I need to figure out a way to get over it all ready and just get my fat ass off the couch. The exercise still is easier than the food issue, though.

It would be sooo much easier if I was just a heroin addict. Those lucky bastards with their cold-turkey option and fancy rehab centres don’t know how good they’ve got it. Heroin is a lot easier to avoid than food. I have yet to have anyone say to me, “Hey! Do you want to join us after work in the back alley to shoot up?” But the offer of lunch/drinks/munchies happens ALL the time. After a long week at work the siren song of booze and junk food with my fellow co-workers was just too much for me to resist on Friday. Yes, I tried to order water and a salad, but well….I didn’t.

But, this is a new week! I’ll be at the gym on Tuesday, I’m going to some horrible boot camp class on Wednesday, I have Trainer Lady Thursday, I’m taking a dance class Saturday and then I’ll play squash on Sunday. I’ll sprinkle some ball/rubber band workouts in there on the off days and will ingest nothing but carrots and crystal light. Calm down all you healthy people, I’m just kidding. If that was possible for me to do I probably would have tried it by now. Besides, carrots have a lot of carbs.

I lost one lousy pound this week this week. 55 to go.