Friday, January 16, 2009

Cue the red carpet and the guys with really long trumpets

Hello the four people who read this blog! Isn't this a big improvement? A big shout out to Rachel at Blog Candy Designs for helping me fix up the hot mess that was my previous blog. I am very creative in my head, but I have no ability whatsoever to actually deliver on anything. Rachel, on the other hand, is extremely creative and I think a little psychic because most of my descriptions to her were extremely flaky and she figured me out anyway. Big props to Rachel.

You will see once you look around a bit that I have a few new items that I'm hoping to update in the very near future. My current obstacle (now that I don't have to be ashamed at how pathetic my blog looks) is that my children have TOTALLY buggered up my computer by downloading all sorts of things that exist to wreck me, and if that wasn't enough they left the desk lamp on and pulled down to about 3 inches away from the keyboard and melted everything left of 2wsx. I am NOT impressed. So, I have a brand new laptop on order that will be MINE MINE MINE. I had to hold the 'shift' key down the whole time I was typing that because the 'caps lock' is left of 2wsx. Curse those children....

As I was saying, once my laptop arrives and I refuse to let anyone touch it other than ME I can lock myself in my bedroom and pretend to be masterbating all while I'm really updating the blog. Keely told me to use that excuse so you can blame her for the ewww factor you just experienced.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dirty Words and Lu Lu Lemon don't mix

I have a question – at what age do you allow your child to start swearing? The adults in my household have some major potty-mouths and while we try (sort of) to keep it g-rated around the little ones the rest of the time we sound like the Osbourns. J is fifteen and told me to fuck off about three times yesterday. I know that all of you with your little ankle bitters are totally horrified that something so vile will someday be uttered by your little ones, but I was OK with it because it was in context. As in, it wasn’t your typical fifteen year-old teenage head case screaming “FUCK OFF MOM I HATE YOU!!” it was, “I’m trying to finish my homework so would you just fuck off already?” She’s a good kid, but I casually ask her if she’s a crack head every once in a while just to keep her on her toes. She just rolls her eyes and tells me to fuck off. According to 20/20 all kids who end up crack heads start off good kids, so I’m just practicing due diligence.

Every time J swears I tell her to stop swearing, but clearly she knows I don’t care because she tells me to fuck off when I say that. Should I care? I don’t. Is it all that bad that I don’t really care? I'm not sure. She doesn’t gratuitously swear (at least not around me), and the rest of her vocabulary is pretty impressive for a child that age. I heard her call her friend a troglodyte the other day, so obviously her potty-mouth hasn’t compromised her ability to use more sophisticated words when insulting people.

J did, however, get kicked out of homeroom the other day for telling a girl to fuck off because she’s stupid. The girl in question (part of the ‘Lu-Lu Lemon crowd’ as J calls them) did not know what an inauguration was, and was making fun of J who was trying to lead the class in a discussion about how important the impending American inauguration of Obama is to Canada. Granted, your average 15 year-old girl is a lot more focused on trying to find a way to meet the Jonas Brothers than she is on who our political leaders are, but J is the type of person who feels it necessary to enlighten the stupid. Should she have chosen a more constructive way to prove her point? Probably. But she didn’t get kicked out of class because she was wrong, she got kicked out for using the world ‘fuck’. Not appropriate for high school, but neither is being fifteen years-old and never having heard the word ‘inauguration’ before. Still, I was initially mad until J explained that the “fuck, you’re stupid” comment came after the Lu-Lu Lemon girl asked if inauguration was a basketball term. “Fuck, you’re stupid” suddenly seemed very appropriate to me.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week 2

Hi there! Yes, I know it’s Tuesday but I have been VERY busy lately. This fulltime job thing is really starting to impinge upon my blogging.

The first week of operation fat-no-more went fairly well. It could have been better, but I think I did alright since it was the first week out of the gate.

On the food side of things I put forth a respectable effort other than Saturday night. I was good all day, but then I had to attend my brother-in-law’s birthday party that night. I ate before I left (a nice greek salad with chicken) and gave myself a pep talk the whole way over – “you will not eat all that shit the SIL will have covering every table of her house. You will drink only the mineral water you are bringing with you…”

When I first got there I was fine! Just some chips and cheese and crackers out – no biggy! I wasn’t hungry so I managed to stay away from them. Then, the SIL brings out a warm gooey goodness in the form of a ham and cheesy garlic dip baked right into a hollowed out loaf of french bread. What did she do with the part of the loaf she removed you ask? She cut it into little pieces so her guests could use the white fluffy french bread to eat the warm gooey goodness cheesy ham garlic dip. Yikes! I started madly affirming in my head –

“You will not eat all that shit the SIL will have covering every table of her house. You will drink only the mineral water you are bringing with you…” … You will not eat all that shit the SIL will have covering every table of her house. You will drink only the mineral water you are bringing with you…”

OK, mild panic, but I think I can get through it. Can I? Wait! Is that my arm going for a piece of bread? No! Stop!! What are you doing?? OMG!! Wha..!? You look like you’re going to use it to eat that dip! You ARE going for the dip! STOP! STOP!! Noooooooo………

I think you know how that ended. Alright, so I indulged in a little bread and warm gooey goodness cheesy ham garlic dip. Not TOO bad; I didn’t pig out as much as I normally would have, so that’s good, right?

But then the SIL brought out dessert. Do you know what sadistic unspeakable atrocity she created? This. For those of you too lazy to click anything right now let me sum up. This is not just any cheese ball, but a ball made from cream cheese, butter, icing sugar, brown sugar, vanilla and chocolate chips. All rolled together, chilled and covered in nuts. And just for fun she brought out chocolate graham wafers to eat it with.

So what did I do? The same thing millions who have been dealing with the food thing for years before me have done –

“Well, since I’ve already fallen off the wagon with the warm gooey goodness cheesy ham garlic dip, I might as well go whole hog and eat the cheese ball! Right? What do you mean I’m making it worse? Fuck you Inner Voice, that cheese ball looks AWESOME. Yes, I said fuck you. I’m Food Addiction and I am bigger and louder than you are right now. Huh? What do you mean I’m too fat to eat that? Who cares! At the moment I am kicking your skinny little ass all over the place. Just ask your woefully put upon stomach while it’s digesting the warm gooey goodness cheesy ham garlic dip. Oh yeah? You are no match for me – just watch this!! That’s right; I just had a handful of BBQ chips as a chaser. Don’t fuck with me Inner Voice…..

Yeah, so that was Saturday. The rest of the weekend went better than most weekends, but I did end up overeating a bit on Sunday. Not horribly bad, but Inner-Voice was still rallying the troops and organizing a counter offensive at that point so Food Addiction made more headway that he should have. However, the last few days Inner Voice has made a come back and she is ready to kick some ass. It’s -40 and snowing like a bastard and she is still making me haul my ass to the gym tonight. Go inner voice go!

I lost 1.6 pounds last week. 58.4 to go.