Monday, November 30, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food Update

Since I made my public declaration last week about reporting on the good and the bad in the fat ass department, I figured I better make good on that promise. Good or bad, I said I would blog about how I did with my three current goals. They were -

1. work out five times in seven days
2. no eating after supper
3. no booze

How did I do? Well, good and bad.

I did manage to make it to the gym for the first time in months, so that’s good. However I only made it there once when I promised myself I’d go five times, so that’s bad.

I managed to eat properly and lay off the snackage and beer, so that’s good. But I cheated three out of those seven days, so that's bad. But, in fairness to me I only drank beer one day out of seven.

I might have to stop here and preface this with the pronouncement that I am not a raging alcoholic, and knocking it off with the booze isn’t really that hard for me, provided there is no occasion closely associated with booze to contend with. The Grey Cup, for example. My team was in the championship game this weekend, so I was practically mandated by my province to drink beer.

Just as an aside, we lost in the worst possible way I’ve ever experienced in my whole football watching life. It was horrifying.


Let’s focus on some positives –

All of the occasions that I was eating like shit, I felt really guilty about it. I wasn’t rationalizing my indulgences like I have been known to in the past, telling myself a ‘deserve’ a treat because of stress, work, kids, etc. The whole time I was eating those chips I felt like a total failure, so that’s good right?

My guilt is in fact so pronounced that it has morphed into the most annoying bitch ever. She has taken up residence in my head and makes me feel like an asshole for not working out and eating garbage. I call her Pageant Mom because she is extremely judgmental, and is all, “Does your ass really need another one of THOSE?” when I’m eating something crappy. I hate her. She’s blonde with fake tits and for some reason has an American accent – one of those Texas/Georgia/Louisiana type accents. She wears a lot of glittery shirts and way too much blush.

Let me apologize right now to all of you Americans who are completely insulted by me stereotyping my split personality (I can’t help it – she just appeared that way), as well as the lumping together of probably three totally different accents. I’d love for you to hear her voice so you could identify what specific region she belongs to for me, but that would be difficult since she is, you know…imaginary.

I think this post has come off the rails a bit.

Let’s refocus.

A new week is upon me, and I am going to do my best to get Pageant Mom to shut the fuck up. My beloved boot camp class starts up again tomorrow, and this time there is a competition, a la the Biggest Loser – whoever loses the most percentage of weight wins SIX free sessions with Trainer Lady! She don’t come cheap, so I am totally in it to win it.

Wish me luck.


Miss Angie said...

That is FUNNY! I can see the voice in your head being like that.

I'm an American, and I didn't take offense at all.

I wish I were Canadian though. That'd be fun.

Good luck next week!

Jenni said...

Saving money is an awesome motivator. Good luck!!

Jennifer said...

Oh no, I believe the Texans lost in the most horrible way possible this weekend. I think I might have cried.

And I AM from Texas, and my kid has actually been in a pageant and I still don't take offense. I thought it was funny. And no, I don't have fake tits or wear too much blush or tight sparkly tshirts.

Keely said...

I find it fascinating that a part of YOU dresses & sounds that way. Fascinating.

Also, I'm not sure soul-crushing guilt is a positive thing. But if you feel it's a step in the right direction, good for you :)

Frogs in my formula said...

I think you nailed Pageant Mom.

(Not literally...I'm not calling you a slut. Just accurate.)

Michele said...

Pageant Mom can reside in my head for awhile because "comfort with Food Mom" is getting me nowhere.

Peggy said...

I think it's a Georgian accent in your head cuz that's the way I read it. Have you ever seen the TLC show Ruby? Her's is the voice I hear, very sweet and sing songy/southern belle!

Now me, I'm from ChiCAWgo so you better win dat deer competition and if you do, I'd love for you to treat me to some beers! Da Bears! :)

Lulu said...

So interesting that I've been off the blog ranch for a month, and when I come back, at least five of my bloggy friends are posting about weight issues...why do we do this to ourselves?

It's because they put the damn finale to The Biggest Loser in December, that's why! And we're all - crapenzee (my new German swearing, do you like it!?), if those bigguns can do, why can't I? Of course, totally forgetting that they've just spent six months in fat camp....

My word ver is inerf.

I am so inerfing this weekend before the holidays...

Casey said...

Hah, she probably would be a snotty fake boob having bitch too. Does she have a high ponytail?

Guilt sucks, I have it all the time but I'm still in the rationalizing stage. Go you for getting past it.

You can do it.

alpharat said...

Admirable goals, indeed. Except the booze. More booze is always necessary. Too many people make this mistake, but it's OK.