Friday, January 9, 2009

And you thought the Elmo song was bad...

I have managed to find a way to drive myself completely insane. Correction, I have managed to find an additional way to drive myself completely insane. My youngest is three and her name is Lena (much to the horror of my sister-in-law who frequently reminds me just how much she HATES that name. She named her daughter MacKenzie, by the way). Since Lena has been a baby I’ve sang that Barry Manilow song Copacabana to her, but substituted Lena for Lola. Every so often I grab her and we start dancing around the room while singing “…her name was Lena... she was a show girl... with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there…..” She calls it the ‘Lena song’ and laughs her guts out every time I sing it and it’s funny.

Well, a few weeks ago we were in the car and low and behold, Barry Manilow starts singing away on the radio. For a moment Lena was COMPLETELY stunned. “How the FUCK did the Lena song get on the radio!!!???” After the initial shock wore off she started to completely freak out. When the song was over all she could say was PLAY IT AGAIN!! PLAY IT AGAIN MOMMY!! PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT FUCKING NOW! OK, she didn’t say the ‘right fucking now’ part but it was implied. However, since the song was on the radio I couldn’t play it again, but because her reaction to the news that the Lena Song is actually a goofy lounge tune sung by Barry Manilow was so hilarious I promptly went home and downloaded it for her. Wow, was THAT a big mistake.

Now Every. Single. Time. I’m in the car with Lena the first thing I have to do is put on Copacabana. It has totally ruined my life because (a) I’m in the car with her at least twice a day if not more and (b) once you’ve heard Copacabana once it’s in your head FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. Everywhere I go now I am silently singing to myself, “at the Copa... Copacabana... The hottest club north of Havana…” It’s a living hell. And I brought it on myself! I can’t tell what’s worse - that Lena thinks she was named after a washed up barmaid slinging drinks for some asshole named Tony, or that her new favourite musician is Barry Manilow.

I apologise to all of you who have read this post because you will now spend the rest of the day humming Copacabana. Welcome to my world.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

God Bless America

There is a real upside to this whole blogging thing that I hadn’t at all considered, and that is how I would end up meeting so many different kinds of people. And by different kinds I mean Americans!

Americans have always been so abstract to me. We get pretty much all of your media so it's not like I'm unfamiliar with your popular culture, or even your actual culture (I watch documentaries too!), but I'm not sure I've ever been, you know, friends with a real live American. The only Americans I know are the ones whose parents ran like hell in the early seventies to avoid getting dragged into that stupid war. But those people were about two years old when they moved here so I don't count them as Americans. And you know what I’ve learned so far? I think I like you guys!

To be honest I still can't comprehend WHAT YOU WERE THINKING politically during the last eight years, but you have since redeemed yourself with the last election. I know not everybody was responsible for the whole 'Bush destroying the world' thing, but I gotta tell ya…it has been hard to watch from up here. But, that’s all behind us now and you elected Obama! I think I can safely speak for the rest of the planet when I say NICE GOING. If you would have actually elected Mr. Burns and Snow Princess Barbie there I would have had to figure out a way to take up residence on the moon.

Aside from our political differences (although, we’re not doing much better up here. I’m sure most of you have never heard of Stephen Harper, but trust me when I say he deserves top seat on the sucks-ass list) we are pretty much the same. I have noticed a few subtle differences that amuse me though.

Like the fact that you treat the letter 'u' like the nerdy kid on the playground that everyone excludes until you suddenly need one more player to make the teams even. 'Neighbour' 'Colour' 'Labour'....'u' only gets to hang out in these words when they're in Canada. When they go for a weekend road trip to the States? Poor 'u' doesn't get to go. What's up with that? U is a cool letter! You need it to spell some really awesome worlds like 'ukulele' and 'vulva' and 'fuck'.

Or that you don't have Clamato juice! Clamato is the greatest beverage EVER. Do you know what it is? It's part tomato juice, part clam juice and random spices. Yes, I know it sounds repulsive but trust me - it's splendid. If you ever happen upon some Clamato, preferably Motts Clamato, make yourself a Caesar. A Caesar is just like a Bloody Mary, but you know, good. Here is what you need to do - take your glass and rim it with celery salt. Regular salt works too, but it's better if you have celery salt. Then you put in some ice, 1.5 ounces of vodka (or however much you like - go wild!) 3 or 4 drops of tabasco sauce, a splash of worcestershire sauce, dash of salt & pepper, and then fill the glass with Clamato juice. Add a celery stick to garnish and serve. The next time you're in Canada order one. You won't be sorry.

Americans also have a million realty shows and I would totally win them all but I'm not allowed to enter any of them because I'm Canadian. Me and the letter 'u' can just sit up here and lump it I guess.

Or the fact that literally hundreds of thousands of people go to football games at all levels. Pro right down to high school - you all take your football VERY seriously. And I think it’s brilliant everyone gets drunk in the parking lot prior to the game. I love that because it seems so very neighbourly (the u is triumphant!), and frankly, something Canadians would do. I’m not sure why we don’t. We get drunk everywhere else, but so far we haven’t been able to nail down the finer points of the tailgate party. I think I’m going to try and get that tradition going here. Does anyone know the history and origins of the tailgate party? I would love to hear to hear how that one got started. The one thing we do have in abundance up here is drunk people.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Beefs and Bouquets for Random Tuesday


Better late than never, right? Yeah, I know Tuesday is almost over but I was actually REALLY busy at work today. I even got to use my brain the whole day! It was awesome. I better go home now and watch some really bad television to balance that shit out.

I know the Tuesday thing is supposed to be random, but I'm breaking with convention and giving it just the tiniest bit of structure. Sort of a beef and bouquets, if you will. I have had a rash of recent service experience that were both superb and horrendous. Since I have a public forum at my disposal, I'm going to use my right of free expression and tell you who ROCKS and who SUCKS ASS.

OK Tire - sucks ass. I had a flat tire yesterday morning and when I called and asked them to please pick it up at my house, tow it to their facility, fix it and then call me, they said 'no'. Really, that's it. Just 'no'. Not "No, I'm sorry but we're too busy this morning, possibly we can fit you in this afternoon", not "No, we are short staffed and cannot accommodate this request right now" not even "No, I'm really hung-over right now and Larry the repair guy just left to go get us cheeseburgers”. Just ‘No’. WTF?

South Albert Tire - rocks. They didn't say "No", they just picked up my car, repaired it quickly, didn't charge me two limbs and a blow job to fix it and were nice to me when I got there to pick it up. See OK Tire? Was that so hard?

The Roof Top Bar and Grill - sucks ass. They are really overpriced, their food is horrible and they use very low quality ingredients. Honest to Christ I've had better steak at Bonanza. And they put horseradish in my Caesar. Ew.

Miso Sushi - rocks. Their rice is just a little warm still when they serve it to you and their menu is fabulous. OK, sure, they forget stuff a lot but the staff is usually very pleasant about it. It might be because none of them speak English and they just nod and smile not matter what the hell I’m saying, but that’s fine with me. The best part? On the tables are little shot classes that hold the pencils. Written on the shot glasses are sayings like, "You're ugly, but so I'm drunk I won't notice until morning". It still cracks me up every time I go there.

TD Canada Trust - rocks. They always give us money whenever we ask for it. We can ask for ANYTHING and they just hand it over.

TD Canada Trust - sucks ass. They always give us money whenever we ask for it. We can ask for ANYTHING and they just hand it over.

Sorry for the structure. Next Tuesday I’ll be all crazed and unglued. Promise.