This is totally accurate and EXACTLY what happened.

I ran into an old friend at Wal Mart the other day. We’re ‘facebook’ friends, but we haven’t actually seen each other in real life in at least a decade or more. When I knew her she was very tall and strikingly beautiful.

She looks exactly the same.

Of course since it was just a quick Saturday trip to Wal Mart I looked like a homeless person.

This is how the conversation went:

Me – (cautiously waves)

Her – Smiling politely, waves back and stops in the isle, “Wow, I would have NEVER recognized you if we weren’t ‘friends’!!”

Me – “Ha, ha, How’s it going? These are my youngest, Jake and Lena.”

Her – “Oh, they are so cute! Where is the Hubby? Working?”

Me – “He’s at home, probably grading papers. He’s a teacher now”

(she didn’t know that because the hubby is super paranoid about putting anything on facebook and refuses to even acknowledge he’s my husband on there. So I started a blog. Heh.)

Her – “Oh, that’s nice. Your oldest seems like quite the firecracker from what I can tell from facebook!”

Me – “Yeah, she sure is.” So what have you been up to? Moved back, I see?"

Her – “Yes, moved back a while ago. It’s been great.”

Me – “It’s nice to see you again”

Her – “You too! Your kids are so cute. Better run. Bye!”

Me – “See you later!”


Isn’t that nice? Not really. Here is the sub-text transcript of this conversation:

Me: Ah, shit. There she is, looking striking and she’s coming my way. Doesn’t ANYONE else I know ever get fat? Fuck. I’m going have to acknowledge her.

Her: Why is that fat homeless chick waving at me? Oh, god! Is that,…..FoN?

“Holy SHIT! I could tell from your facebook pictures you put on a few, but I had NO idea! Is this for real? Seriously, are you really this fat or did Tyra Banks put you in a fat suit and hide a camera in your folds so you could record how people react to how totally HUMUNGOUS you are????”

Me: “Fuck you. Life hasn’t been a cakewalk and I eat my feelings, okay? Not everyone can be seven feet high and fifteen pounds you know.”

Her: “Yeah, I bet. I assume those two kids fighting over who gets to hold the mango are yours? Yikes. Good thing they’re cute. I assume you and whats-his-face broke up by now?"

Me: “As a matter of fact we got married and bought a nice little house in the south end. We both have great jobs and make a LOT more money than you. So, you moved back in with your parents after your marriage broke up, I assume?"

Her: “Yeah, but at least my kids aren’t saying ‘fuck’ every five minutes on facebook. You should be totally ashamed of your daughter. It’s too bad she can’t be like my kids. I’ve taught them to love Jesus and they are perfect in every way."

Me: “Well, your kids are 10 and 7, so call me when they’re teenagers and we’ll talk."

Her: “Hey, I gotta run and call everyone we knew from high school to tell them you’re a WHALE!! Bwwaaaahahahahahaha!!!!!"

Me: “Whatever. You’re divorced and poor”

THE END.