Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Whoever said 'time is on your side' must have been in their twenties.

The lovely Sprite's Keeper has this groovy little thing over at her place called the Spin Cycle. The assignment last week was to write a post about time. I started my post about time, but then I got all busy and lazy and well....I ran out of time. But since I sort of appreciate the irony I finished it late and am posting it now. This week's assignment is a free for all, so it still kind of counts, right?

It’s no secret I have had a weight problem for years and it’s been a major pain in my enormous ass. I have had such tunnel vision about the fact that I’m fat I haven’t really paid much attention to anything else. Now that I’m starting to lose some weight and my body is looking good (well, better), I have only recently noticed another problem. Cyberland, I am OLD. When did that happen exactly? I embraced the fact that I’m somebody’s mother years ago, but it honestly hasn't occured to me that I might actually look like somebody’s mother too. I’m old, and it snuck up on me. I’m super worried that any minute now I’m going to have an uncontrollable desire to cover my furniture in plastic.

Alright, so I’m not really old old. Not old by conventional standards anyway. I don’t have pieces of hard candy covered in lint at the bottom of my purse or anything. There is no denying that I’m definitely aging though. I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour or else I’m cranky and tired the next day. I don’t let my gas tank get below a quarter of a tank for fear of running out and being stranded somewhere. I can’t function on any level when I'm hungover anymore. These are all things that have become my life standard since I got old. Ahem, mature. None of those things would have ever crossed my mind to consider in my twenties. That’s all fine and good – maturity, responsibility, reasonable behaviour…it turns out all that stupid crap is actually pretty useful. I was an idiot fifteen years ago, now I’m not. For that, I’m grateful.

For what I am certainly not grateful is the inherited treachery that is slowly taking over my body. What the fuck am I doing looking like my mom all of a sudden? What IS that and when did it get there? Do I need to start using some kind of cream product in order to deal with it? When did my skin stop agreeing to report back to its original position? Is there some kind of government sponsored subsidy offered to help with the additional time and money I am losing in order to keep myself running? I was under the mistaken impression that I was under warranty.

My friend Politika did her master's thesis (no, she’s not this chick) on the health impacts to women who get breast implants. I didn’t read it (she’s a lot smarter than me and I wouldn’t have understood what she was talking about anyway), but not surprisingly the bottom line was they are bad. Bad, bad, bad and it doesn’t matter if they are silicone or saline implants, they are still bad bad bad. She completed her thesis about ten or so years ago, and her firm position back then was that no one should ever get implants for any reason ever. Not for cosmetic vanity, not because you are a woman trapped in a man’s body, and not even if you ended up with cancer and needed a radical double mastectomy. I remember somewhat trying to argue the point that for some women the risk to their physical health might be smaller than the risk to their mental health should they not be able to correct whatever problem they have (or perceive to have).

She was having none of it – they are bad bad bad regardless of circumstance. Now, that was ten years ago. Politika is gorgeous and always has been – she never wears a stitch of make-up, has a great body and looks fit and radiant all the time. However…..I would be willing to bet the boobs of the 25-year old thesis student who wrote that paper are probably different than the boobs of the 35-year old mom who has now nursed two children. I often wonder if her position on that subject has changed slightly. Not that I believe for a moment she would ever consider getting a boob job, but I bet time has softened her stance on the bad bad bad implants somewhat, at least for a few special circumstances. It’s pretty easy to say NEVER when you are twenty five with an absolute perfect body and have no idea what it’s like to live in an imperfect body.

Either way, I have no firm plans to get a boob job. I’m just going to watch them shrivel up and sag to my waist like a regular old person. They’re heading south pretty fast right now too. Maybe in a few years I’ll be able to smack people around with them. Wouldn’t that be awesome? People talking in a movie theatre, people crowding me in the elevator, whoever happends to be in striking distance and pissing me off would get a whap! upside the head. I could just whip out one of the girls and tune in whoever needs it. They wouldn’t know what hit ‘em. Alright, getting old might not be all bad.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Random Tuesday - the one where I'm not even bitching about anything!


It’s Random Tuesday again folks! Ahh, it’s good to be back. I missed last week because I was having a personal crisis and forcing my brain into unstructured behaviour was just too tall an order.

I have recently met a woman who uses every possible opportunity to mention to anyone within ear shot that she’s working on completing her master's degree. Within the first thirty seconds of meeting anyone new it manages to come up in conversation.

“Hi there, nice to meet you. What do you do?” I’M COMPLETING MY MASTER’S DEGREE , and I’m a teacher.

“Hey, did you get that email?” I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE, I know how to read email."

At first it was odd, then it was obnoxious, but now it’s fucking hilarious. I have started a new game called Six Degrees of Masters Degree Separation. I think of the most random, bizarre thing to say to her and see how quickly she can bring it around to her MASTERS DEGREE. So far I’ve tried, “Hey, do you like monkeys?” and it only took four steps to get us there. Monkeys = rainforest = environment = class she took as part of her MASTERS DEGREE. I see her a few times a week usually, so I’m open to suggestions for questions. I’ll report back on progress next Tuesday.

It’s spring here finally! Thank god. I know you’re all as happy as I am because you don’t have to listen to me whine anymore. Yeah, I know it was annoying, but that was honestly the worst winter I have ever experienced in my entire life. I think Mother Nature finally got laid because she was being a major bitch for five solid months. Maybe JC fixed her up with an apostle or something. I’ve heard Luke was something of a babe.

My new workplace has a fridge stocked with all kind of drinks. It’s pretty awesome, but there are no diet drinks so the temptation for a coke ….a cold, cold frosty, bubbly and delicious can of coke (Barry White is giving me the oooooohhhhhhh yeeaahhhhhhhh in my head right now), is torturous. The only non-42-grams-of-sugar beverage they have is V8, and you all know how I feel about that. I’m going to bring some sparkling water in tomorrow. I like that stuff. It’s fancy.

I miss my beautiful big office with a window. I have a cubical now, and I really didn’t think I would care, but I do. Natural light can really do a lot for ones mood. No, I didn’t take a demotion. It’s more of a ‘big fish in a small pond’ vs. ‘small fish in a big pond’ kind of arrangement. It’s okay. When I take over the world I’m pretty sure I’ll get an office again.

Drop by on Keely and see what’s up with the rest of cyberland. There are a lot of people signing on for RTT, so clearly it's THE place to be.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week Fourteen

Alright week fourteen! Wow, that week went by pretty quick. In fact, all the weeks are going by pretty quick. I’ve been using the “I’ll just cheat a little now, and be REALLY good next week” line of thinking for a while now. I’ve missed two boot camp classes in a row because I decided to go for beer and nachos instead of exercising. I’m still losing weight, but I betcha it would be coming off a lot faster if I didn’t cheat so much. I know, I should give myself a break, and I do. Obviously. The plate of nachos I inhaled Friday night had a little voice with a sexy Mexican accent telling me to go for it.

‘Seniorita! What is boot aaa feuu nachos? You cheeet a leetle, no?’

It’s hard for me to walk the line between leading a regular life that is healthy with the odd treat, vs. indulging every craving, opportunity and whim that comes my way that involves food and drink. I’m stressed, I miss my co-workers, I feel like I’m always behind, and I use these excuses to cheat. Just this ONE time. This ONE time seems to be happening a lot lately. And holy SHIT, it’s almost Easter. I am seriously expected to buy a huge bag of chocolates and hide them all over my house? Are you kidding? That’s what I’m trying to STOP doing. Do you think my kids will mind if I gave them yogurt cups and grapes instead?

I did get my first 'holy shit, look at you’ this weekend, so that felt good. My life is pretty regulated and I do the same things day after day. I am in fact quite dull. Consequently, I see the same people every day which means my weight loss has gone largely unnoticed. On Saturday I went to a baby shower that was filled with people I only see a few times a year, and more than a few people seemed obviously surprised with my new boot-ay. It felt pretty good. So, off I go! The beginning of week fourteen. I am going to boot camp tonight (thanks to Keely who it going to take over some of my mom-duties in order to make it possible for me to go. She rocks), I have trainer lady Tuesday, boot camp Wednesday, the gym on Thursday, boot camp Friday and most likely squash during the weekend. And, I might throw in a few AA meetings because I’m jumping back on the wagon. No booze for me, the WHOLE week. Now, if I can only figure out a way around those fucking chocolate eggs I’ll be golden.

I only lost one pound this week (stupid nachos). I have 38.5 to go.