Friday, February 6, 2009

Head West! and drink some good wine when you get there

Alright everyone – I’m off to the land of tofu, February flowers and delusions of grandeur. I’ve made the decision not to take my laptop, so you won’t hear from me until Tuesday or so. Going cold turkey from this thing is going to be pretty hard, and I might have to visit the methadone clinic on Hastings St. if the cold sweats and shaking gets too out of hand. It’s a good thing Vancouver is laden with addicts and nutters. Maybe it is my kind of town after all….

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Facebook exists to remind you that you suck

I was on facebook chat last night with a woman I went to high school with, but who I haven’t actually seen since high school. She moved to BC (and yes, she does indeed suffer from the BC Effect as evidenced by her conviction of how I should move there), found herself a husband and settled down and had some kids. Prior to that she did a LOT. We’ve had a few conversations since the advent of ol’ facebook but the first one was the most memorable. It went like this:

HS Friend: So what have you been up to since high school?

Me: Umm, well… I stayed in town and had a baby pretty much right out of high school, married my high school sweetheart, got a job, bought a house a few blocks from where we grew up and then had a couple of more kids. That is pretty much it. You?

HS Friend: That sounds great!! (BC Effect kicking in, because she sounded like she actually meant that) Well, after high school I completed my social work degree, and then went overseas to work in London while I completed my Masters degree. I did quite a bit of volunteer work with orphans in third-world countries before I published my first book. Then I was invited twice to speak in front of the United Nations - once with the first book, then again with the second. Shortly after that I moved to BC, met the man of my dreams, had two wonderful children and now I am a professor at the University.

Me: Oh. That’s nice. You'll need to excuse me for a moment while I beat myself in the head with our yearbook.

Are you kidding me with that? I had to fight the urge to tell her that I invented post-its.

It actually hadn’t occurred to me to be dissatisfied with my life until I talked to her, and then all of a sudden I am a huge loser with no soul. Starving orphans are not exactly top of mind, unless of course I’m watching Entertainment Tonight and Brangelina is transporting their tribe somewhere exotic, and then I’m really only looking at his ass anyway (and let’s be honest, Angelina’s ass too). I didn't get a masters degree either. I got myself a completely useless certificate like a normal person.

I have never taught anyone anything except for the time my little cousin needed help learning how to sneak into the bar underage. I sure as hell haven’t been published, unless you count this blog that currently holds a grand readership of twelve. As for appearing before the UN? I’m pretty sure the leaders of the world aren’t that interested in hearing my fart jokes.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like this woman and I am happy she has managed to accomplish so much in these last seventeen years, The least she could have done was get fat.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts


I don’t really do football, but I make a point to watch the Grey Cup and the Super Bowl even though I'm really only watching for the musical acts and commercials. The economy sucks so the commercials were kind of ‘meh’ this year and thanks to Janet Jackson and her boob the Americans are too scared to put anyone on stage that isn't some really old guy now. Seriously, Bruce Springsteen? In the last few years since boobgate they've had Paul McCartney, Tom Petty...even Prince for crying out loud. They really can't think of anyone slightly more relevant? I know those guys are 'legends' and all that but enough already. It was just a boob people! Lighten up.

I’m excited about my trip to BC this weekend! Politika has a daughter the same age as mine (they are three) and all I want to do is dress them in matching clothes for some reason. That kind of kind of thing is usually a little too ‘cute’ for me, but I’m dying to do it anyway. Weird, huh?

I want to drive to Ontario and punch that groundhog in the face for telling me I have to live through winter for another six weeks. Every year I’m hopeful, and interestingly enough in 35 years of living on the prairies winter has never once ended by the middle of February. Curse that stupid rodent for taunting me with hope every year.

I died my hair red and that seems to have helped with the old lady factor. And I figured out how to style it without looking like a television sitcom mom, so it’s starting to grow on me. A little. I still regret cutting it though.

I’ve been thinking about my Winnipeg friends a lot lately – Erin, Tobi, Rickie…..I would like them to come and visit me. Well, Erin is in Vegas now, so I think I’ll go visit her. As for the other two…come on over ladies! Well, maybe it would be better to do it in the spring. We can spend two days on the deck drinking and then jump on the trampoline like idiots when the kids are asleep. Hey, don’t knock it; it’s a pretty decent workout.

How many people out there have heard this before -

"I don't have close friendships with women. They don't really like me because I'm too pretty. It's a lot easier to hang out and work with men"

Hey, you know what? It's not because you're too pretty. It's because you're kind of a fucking bitch. The men think you're a fucking bitch too, but they continue to suffer through your inane nonsense in hopes that some day you will have sex with them.

Now it's time to go see Keely who will be able to hook you up with more Tuesday randomness. Speaking of Keely (who by the way manages to be loads pretty and not at all a fucking bitch), her potty mouth is finally being recognized for all its vulgar glory. Today is the last day to cast a vote for her in the mom dot 'best use of a cuss word' award. I love that Americans say 'cuss'. It's so cute.

Okay - go vote now!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week 5

I rocked it out this week folks! I met all of my exercise goals by working out Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, and I was very good with the food. The weekend saw a few more indulgences than I allowed myself during the week, but it wasn’t that bad at all. In fact, I kind of felt like I was eating like a normal person. I stopped eating when I was full, I allowed the odd treat without overdoing it and I was a label reading fool.

My clothes are looser (especially the pants) and my fitness level seems to be improving. So what did I do to celebrate my successes? I went off and butchered my hair.

I’ve had long hair pretty much my entire adult life and I decided since I was in change-making mode I would chop it all off. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while, but on Saturday I finally got the nerve and now lucky me! I look like Carol Brady. This young and hip hairstylist at the youngest and hippest salon in town decided that I needed to look like a forty-five year old soccer mom. It’s awful.

God forbid my self-esteem starts to improve. I cannot believe I did this to myself! Now every time I look in the mirror I want a brownie. What the hell is my problem? I better run out and pierce something on my face so people don’t go thinking I’m an old lady with kids and a mini-van. Hmmm, wait a minute…..

I weighed myself at Trainer Lady's place on Thursday night, and according to that stupid scale I GAINED a pound! I was not best pleased, but as I do every week I weighed myself Monday morning (completely naked after taking off all my jewelry and voiding my bladder. I even tried to poop - couldn't) and according to my crappy weight watchers scale I lost 2.4 pounds this week. I like that better, so I'm going with it (although I'm sure at least a pound of that was hair).

As of this morning I am down a total of 7.4 pounds. I have 52.6 to go.