Friday, January 2, 2009

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week One

OK everyone! It's the official start to the FoN plan of getting my shit together and FINALLY dropping all this grossness off of my body. For someone who seems to have the reputation of getting what she wants it seems odd I let myself get to this point. I need to start bossing myself around I guess. How did I get so porky you ask? Here is a little background....

I try to have a decent amount of self-esteem, which is not easily accomplished when you are a seriously overweight individual. I have to have little talks with myself that generally go like this:

“I refuse to be one of those women who are totally obsessed with their body. I’m a feminist, dammit! I certainly would never want to perpetuate the notion that women need to be thin in order to be worthy and happy. The media is responsible for society’s hyper-focus on the perfect female form and I for one am NOT going to buy into that. Pass the Doritos.”

While I feel that all of the above is true and I stand by it, I’m not really sure when I decided that I need to be fat in order to prove how committed I am to the cause. Gloria Steinem isn't fat now, is she? The truth is this – the ‘society pressure’ argument is what I use as a convenient excuse to justify my fatness.

The weight as been an issue for a long time now, and I have tried addressing it several different times over the last ten years with varying levels of success. By April of 2006 I had lost 35lbs and was feeling pretty good, especially since I had just had a baby in December of 2005. Then life intervened and that May my father died on the 12th and my grandmother died on the 27th. Both of those people were very, very important to me, I loved them to death and I did not handle their passing very well., especially since they died within weeks of each other. I wasn’t sure how to deal with being in a world that they were no longer a part of and well….having chocolate cake for breakfast seemed to make me feel better. I was in such a major depression that I was willing to grasp at anything that made me feel better. I put all that 35lbs back on and then an extra 5lbs for good measure.

By spring of 2007 I had managed to pull myself together again and by August of that year had lost 30 lbs. I was feeling like I might actually do it this time! Sure, I still had 30+ pounds go, but I was on a roll! Then, well....that fall something bad happened, let's just say that. Anyhoo....long story short I got super fat again and have pretty much stayed that way ever since. Now I’m 35 years old and have three kids and need to lose AT LEAST 60 pounds.

What the hell is my problem? If I can only lose weight when things are going well in my life then I’m going to have trouble because life sucks ass sometimes and pigging out doesn’t actually help. Things seem to be going my way a little more lately – but what I need now is a coping strategy so that when the next life crisis comes my way I can deal with it properly. Maybe I should start smoking a ton of weed or playing VLT’s every night until 3:00 am or something. Actually, the pot will probably give me the munchies so that won’t help and we’re kind of broke which makes it difficult to be a hard-core gambling addict. Anyone out there have any ideas on how to cope with stress that doesn’t involve food? The first person to say ‘clean your house’ might get a virtual boot up their ass, however.

Fat Chick vs Food

I know I am very cliché posting about how I’m going to get into shape in 2009, but that’s fine. I’ve made peace with my typically average existence. I have a mini-van that I drive my son to soccer games in. I have a double car garage and a backyard that is home to summer bbq’s and trampolining children. I like reality television shows. I am in an average amount of debt for a 30-something. I listen to Neil Diamond cd’s and I’m just fine with all of this. In fact, I quite enjoy my clichéd existence. I have made peace with how my life has turned out so far and am generally satisfied. I have not, however, made peace with the fact that I am a super huge fat person now. That was never part of the plan.

I’m fucking HUGE. I’m not talking the 10 or 20 lbs an average person puts on around the time their 20 year high school reunion is looming or after having their second baby in as many years. We’re talking a gain of 60lbs over the last ten years. And I was 20lbs over my high school weight then. It’s really not cool. If I continue at this rate I’m going to need Dr. Phil to come over and cut me out of my house while the neighbours watch in horror as they load me on to a fire truck to get me out because it’s the only vehicle available that was big enough to hold me. That would suck.

My problem is (and always has been) that I’m an immediate gratification type person, and I find food extremely gratifying. I love cooking and I’ve gotten pretty good at it in the last decade or so. I also like drinking beer, eating chocolate and I think potato chips are a little slice of heaven right here on earth. When I chase those bad boys with a Coke I am having a little party for one! I also HATE exercising. A lot. The only thing I enjoyed doing and would do on even a semi-consistent basis was to play squash. The only courts in town closed down three months ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah….bitch and moan and poor me already and blah blah blah and just put the bagel down and get your fat ass on the treadmill already. It sounds easy, but it’s really not that simple for me. I think I have taken this whole thing to the absolute extreme and have managed to create myself a full blown eating disorder. I think about food ALL THE TIME. I plan the next meal while I’m eating the current meal. Do other people do that? I don’t think they do.

I am under no illusion here that the 17 year-old 125 pound bikini clad FoN is every coming back. She’s gone for ever and I accept that. However, the 35 year-old giant shirt wearing size 36 jean FoN needs to hit the road too. That is enough of this shit already. I look ridiculous and feel like shit.

I really hope I can do this. I don’t know how exactly I’m going to do it yet – but I’m working on a plan as we speak. It will probably involve some kind of internet humiliation tactic because I need some serious motivation here. I’ll let you know what I come up with on Monday which will now be the day I post my weekly progress. I will need support so bring it on. Please!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy Sex-Free New Year World!

It’s 3:30 am, New Years Eve and I’m not getting laid. How do you like that? When ever *he* feels like it and I don’t, it’s some kind of horrible rejection thing and I have to pay the consequences for the next few days, but when I feel like it and *he* doesn’t it’s just fine ‘cause he’s tired. That doesn’t seem fair somehow. I can fake it in order to save feelings….why doesn’t it work the other way? I am totally OK with him phoning it in! Throw a girl a bone already! Ha ha… no pun intended. I guess I’ll just get even by posting my lack of nookie woes on the internet. Wow – I hope the Hubby never feels the need to start a blog. That could go horribly wrong in so many ways. Actually, I know he has one but it’s all full of academic-world useful things. No such luck here, folks!

I know I’ve been a bad blogger the last few weeks…..sorry Keely and Jen. Well, really Jen since I just end up calling Keely and telling her everything anyway. Jen - you should totally give me your number then I won’t have any guilt at all. Well, actually, don’t do that. Guilt is my motivator. Thanks Jesus. Thanks a lot.

Stay tuned – a new design and kick-ass insightful shit that will totally blow your mind is coming in the next few weeks. Well, the new design part for sure.

Happy New Year everyone!