Top Five Worst Jobs Ever

Lately my career could be going better. I would like to continue to be able to pay my mortgage so I won’t go into details, but I will say this - if this was Survivor I have found myself in the wrong alliance and now I am very close to getting voted off the island. But it could be worse. My current employment woes pale in comparison to some of the other craptastic jobs I’ve held in my lifetime. In order of suck -

#5. Cocktail waitress at a local casino - 1995

Don’t go thinking all Vegas glamour here – this was a small and mucky casino in the middle of Regina, Saskatchewan. The top prize offered in one of the games was a used 1987 Ford Tempo that smelled slightly of vomit. My boss would sit in the back room and get completely shitfaced all night and then grope me while I tried to cash out at 2:00 am. The co-worker I was closest to was a fellow cocktail waitress who only worked one night a week because she wanted a break from her regular job as a prostitute. Most of her clients she found at the casino, so that gives you an idea of the kind clientele I was dealing with.

#4. Administrative Clerk at an insurance company – 1997

I had only two duties at this job. One was to do all the filing for everyone who worked in the pensions department, which was about 75 people. I would average 4 to 5 hours a day in a little room all by myself filing. The other task was to answer the telephone and talk to old ladies whose husbands had just died. Because these women were in possession of a vagina their husbands didn’t tell them anything about their financial situation. Once they become widowed they would call me and repeat random numbers they found on random pieces of paper and ask me to help them figure out if they were going to be homeless or not. Most of the time, they were.

#3 Donut kiosk at the mall – 1990

It wasn’t even a full-fledged donut shop, it was just a little stand in the food court. My boss didn’t speak a word of English and I never had any clue what he was talking about. He always seemed angry though, and he eventually spit out ‘FIRED’ pretty clearly so that was the end of that.

#2 Receptionist at an electrical repair company – 1996

I was hired as a receptionist, but when I got there they wanted me to do the accounting. ALL of the accounting. Since I didn’t know anything about accounting, I ended up cleaning all day. It was a mom and pop operation and the mom was extremely anal retentive. They had a little fluffy punt-dog that would run around the office shedding everywhere so I was asked to vacuum a lot. When I was done vacuuming the office? I had to vacuum the dog.

The number ONE all time WORST JOB EVER goes to –

#1. Bill Collector – 1994

I had to call poor people all day and hassle them about not being able to pay their bills. This was sadly ironic since I spent most of the 90’s in abject poverty myself. The boss was a megalomaniac of the highest order and would routinely take our chairs away if we were not making quota. He would also blast horrible mariachi band music throughout the office as a way to ‘motivate’ the staff, and then stand at the front of the room throwing a gigantic football indiscriminately at our heads in order to ‘keep us on our toes’. Most days I would spend standing over my desk trying to read the screen for details on the poor sops I was supposed to yell at with my finger in one ear to drown out the blaring music while dodging the football that would routinely go whizzing by my head.

Yes, it certainly could be worse. Anyone out there have a horrible job experience? I would love to hear it. Other peoples misery makes me feel better.