I have managed to find a way to drive myself completely insane. Correction, I have managed to find an additional way to drive myself completely insane. My youngest is three and her name is Lena (much to the horror of my sister-in-law who frequently reminds me just how much she HATES that name. She named her daughter MacKenzie, by the way). Since Lena has been a baby I’ve sang that Barry Manilow song Copacabana to her, but substituted Lena for Lola. Every so often I grab her and we start dancing around the room while singing “…her name was Lena... she was a show girl... with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there…..” She calls it the ‘Lena song’ and laughs her guts out every time I sing it and it’s funny.
Well, a few weeks ago we were in the car and low and behold, Barry Manilow starts singing away on the radio. For a moment Lena was COMPLETELY stunned. “How the FUCK did the Lena song get on the radio!!!???” After the initial shock wore off she started to completely freak out. When the song was over all she could say was PLAY IT AGAIN!! PLAY IT AGAIN MOMMY!! PLAY IT AGAIN RIGHT FUCKING NOW! OK, she didn’t say the ‘right fucking now’ part but it was implied. However, since the song was on the radio I couldn’t play it again, but because her reaction to the news that the Lena Song is actually a goofy lounge tune sung by Barry Manilow was so hilarious I promptly went home and downloaded it for her. Wow, was THAT a big mistake.
Now Every. Single. Time. I’m in the car with Lena the first thing I have to do is put on Copacabana. It has totally ruined my life because (a) I’m in the car with her at least twice a day if not more and (b) once you’ve heard Copacabana once it’s in your head FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. Everywhere I go now I am silently singing to myself, “at the Copa... Copacabana... The hottest club north of Havana…” It’s a living hell. And I brought it on myself! I can’t tell what’s worse - that Lena thinks she was named after a washed up barmaid slinging drinks for some asshole named Tony, or that her new favourite musician is Barry Manilow.
I apologise to all of you who have read this post because you will now spend the rest of the day humming Copacabana. Welcome to my world.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
God Bless America
There is a real upside to this whole blogging thing that I hadn’t at all considered, and that is how I would end up meeting so many different kinds of people. And by different kinds I mean Americans!
Americans have always been so abstract to me. We get pretty much all of your media so it's not like I'm unfamiliar with your popular culture, or even your actual culture (I watch documentaries too!), but I'm not sure I've ever been, you know, friends with a real live American. The only Americans I know are the ones whose parents ran like hell in the early seventies to avoid getting dragged into that stupid war. But those people were about two years old when they moved here so I don't count them as Americans. And you know what I’ve learned so far? I think I like you guys!
To be honest I still can't comprehend WHAT YOU WERE THINKING politically during the last eight years, but you have since redeemed yourself with the last election. I know not everybody was responsible for the whole 'Bush destroying the world' thing, but I gotta tell ya…it has been hard to watch from up here. But, that’s all behind us now and you elected Obama! I think I can safely speak for the rest of the planet when I say NICE GOING. If you would have actually elected Mr. Burns and Snow Princess Barbie there I would have had to figure out a way to take up residence on the moon.
Aside from our political differences (although, we’re not doing much better up here. I’m sure most of you have never heard of Stephen Harper, but trust me when I say he deserves top seat on the sucks-ass list) we are pretty much the same. I have noticed a few subtle differences that amuse me though.
Like the fact that you treat the letter 'u' like the nerdy kid on the playground that everyone excludes until you suddenly need one more player to make the teams even. 'Neighbour' 'Colour' 'Labour'....'u' only gets to hang out in these words when they're in Canada. When they go for a weekend road trip to the States? Poor 'u' doesn't get to go. What's up with that? U is a cool letter! You need it to spell some really awesome worlds like 'ukulele' and 'vulva' and 'fuck'.
Or that you don't have Clamato juice! Clamato is the greatest beverage EVER. Do you know what it is? It's part tomato juice, part clam juice and random spices. Yes, I know it sounds repulsive but trust me - it's splendid. If you ever happen upon some Clamato, preferably Motts Clamato, make yourself a Caesar. A Caesar is just like a Bloody Mary, but you know, good. Here is what you need to do - take your glass and rim it with celery salt. Regular salt works too, but it's better if you have celery salt. Then you put in some ice, 1.5 ounces of vodka (or however much you like - go wild!) 3 or 4 drops of tabasco sauce, a splash of worcestershire sauce, dash of salt & pepper, and then fill the glass with Clamato juice. Add a celery stick to garnish and serve. The next time you're in Canada order one. You won't be sorry.
Americans also have a million realty shows and I would totally win them all but I'm not allowed to enter any of them because I'm Canadian. Me and the letter 'u' can just sit up here and lump it I guess.
Or the fact that literally hundreds of thousands of people go to football games at all levels. Pro right down to high school - you all take your football VERY seriously. And I think it’s brilliant everyone gets drunk in the parking lot prior to the game. I love that because it seems so very neighbourly (the u is triumphant!), and frankly, something Canadians would do. I’m not sure why we don’t. We get drunk everywhere else, but so far we haven’t been able to nail down the finer points of the tailgate party. I think I’m going to try and get that tradition going here. Does anyone know the history and origins of the tailgate party? I would love to hear to hear how that one got started. The one thing we do have in abundance up here is drunk people.
Americans have always been so abstract to me. We get pretty much all of your media so it's not like I'm unfamiliar with your popular culture, or even your actual culture (I watch documentaries too!), but I'm not sure I've ever been, you know, friends with a real live American. The only Americans I know are the ones whose parents ran like hell in the early seventies to avoid getting dragged into that stupid war. But those people were about two years old when they moved here so I don't count them as Americans. And you know what I’ve learned so far? I think I like you guys!
To be honest I still can't comprehend WHAT YOU WERE THINKING politically during the last eight years, but you have since redeemed yourself with the last election. I know not everybody was responsible for the whole 'Bush destroying the world' thing, but I gotta tell ya…it has been hard to watch from up here. But, that’s all behind us now and you elected Obama! I think I can safely speak for the rest of the planet when I say NICE GOING. If you would have actually elected Mr. Burns and Snow Princess Barbie there I would have had to figure out a way to take up residence on the moon.
Aside from our political differences (although, we’re not doing much better up here. I’m sure most of you have never heard of Stephen Harper, but trust me when I say he deserves top seat on the sucks-ass list) we are pretty much the same. I have noticed a few subtle differences that amuse me though.
Like the fact that you treat the letter 'u' like the nerdy kid on the playground that everyone excludes until you suddenly need one more player to make the teams even. 'Neighbour' 'Colour' 'Labour'....'u' only gets to hang out in these words when they're in Canada. When they go for a weekend road trip to the States? Poor 'u' doesn't get to go. What's up with that? U is a cool letter! You need it to spell some really awesome worlds like 'ukulele' and 'vulva' and 'fuck'.
Or that you don't have Clamato juice! Clamato is the greatest beverage EVER. Do you know what it is? It's part tomato juice, part clam juice and random spices. Yes, I know it sounds repulsive but trust me - it's splendid. If you ever happen upon some Clamato, preferably Motts Clamato, make yourself a Caesar. A Caesar is just like a Bloody Mary, but you know, good. Here is what you need to do - take your glass and rim it with celery salt. Regular salt works too, but it's better if you have celery salt. Then you put in some ice, 1.5 ounces of vodka (or however much you like - go wild!) 3 or 4 drops of tabasco sauce, a splash of worcestershire sauce, dash of salt & pepper, and then fill the glass with Clamato juice. Add a celery stick to garnish and serve. The next time you're in Canada order one. You won't be sorry.
Americans also have a million realty shows and I would totally win them all but I'm not allowed to enter any of them because I'm Canadian. Me and the letter 'u' can just sit up here and lump it I guess.
Or the fact that literally hundreds of thousands of people go to football games at all levels. Pro right down to high school - you all take your football VERY seriously. And I think it’s brilliant everyone gets drunk in the parking lot prior to the game. I love that because it seems so very neighbourly (the u is triumphant!), and frankly, something Canadians would do. I’m not sure why we don’t. We get drunk everywhere else, but so far we haven’t been able to nail down the finer points of the tailgate party. I think I’m going to try and get that tradition going here. Does anyone know the history and origins of the tailgate party? I would love to hear to hear how that one got started. The one thing we do have in abundance up here is drunk people.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Beefs and Bouquets for Random Tuesday
Better late than never, right? Yeah, I know Tuesday is almost over but I was actually REALLY busy at work today. I even got to use my brain the whole day! It was awesome. I better go home now and watch some really bad television to balance that shit out.
I know the Tuesday thing is supposed to be random, but I'm breaking with convention and giving it just the tiniest bit of structure. Sort of a beef and bouquets, if you will. I have had a rash of recent service experience that were both superb and horrendous. Since I have a public forum at my disposal, I'm going to use my right of free expression and tell you who ROCKS and who SUCKS ASS.
OK Tire - sucks ass. I had a flat tire yesterday morning and when I called and asked them to please pick it up at my house, tow it to their facility, fix it and then call me, they said 'no'. Really, that's it. Just 'no'. Not "No, I'm sorry but we're too busy this morning, possibly we can fit you in this afternoon", not "No, we are short staffed and cannot accommodate this request right now" not even "No, I'm really hung-over right now and Larry the repair guy just left to go get us cheeseburgers”. Just ‘No’. WTF?
South Albert Tire - rocks. They didn't say "No", they just picked up my car, repaired it quickly, didn't charge me two limbs and a blow job to fix it and were nice to me when I got there to pick it up. See OK Tire? Was that so hard?
The Roof Top Bar and Grill - sucks ass. They are really overpriced, their food is horrible and they use very low quality ingredients. Honest to Christ I've had better steak at Bonanza. And they put horseradish in my Caesar. Ew.
Miso Sushi - rocks. Their rice is just a little warm still when they serve it to you and their menu is fabulous. OK, sure, they forget stuff a lot but the staff is usually very pleasant about it. It might be because none of them speak English and they just nod and smile not matter what the hell I’m saying, but that’s fine with me. The best part? On the tables are little shot classes that hold the pencils. Written on the shot glasses are sayings like, "You're ugly, but so I'm drunk I won't notice until morning". It still cracks me up every time I go there.
TD Canada Trust - rocks. They always give us money whenever we ask for it. We can ask for ANYTHING and they just hand it over.
TD Canada Trust - sucks ass. They always give us money whenever we ask for it. We can ask for ANYTHING and they just hand it over.
Sorry for the structure. Next Tuesday I’ll be all crazed and unglued. Promise.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Fat Chick vs. Food - Week One
OK everyone! It's the official start to the FoN plan of getting my shit together and FINALLY dropping all this grossness off of my body. For someone who seems to have the reputation of getting what she wants it seems odd I let myself get to this point. I need to start bossing myself around I guess. How did I get so porky you ask? Here is a little background....
I try to have a decent amount of self-esteem, which is not easily accomplished when you are a seriously overweight individual. I have to have little talks with myself that generally go like this:
“I refuse to be one of those women who are totally obsessed with their body. I’m a feminist, dammit! I certainly would never want to perpetuate the notion that women need to be thin in order to be worthy and happy. The media is responsible for society’s hyper-focus on the perfect female form and I for one am NOT going to buy into that. Pass the Doritos.”
While I feel that all of the above is true and I stand by it, I’m not really sure when I decided that I need to be fat in order to prove how committed I am to the cause. Gloria Steinem isn't fat now, is she? The truth is this – the ‘society pressure’ argument is what I use as a convenient excuse to justify my fatness.
The weight as been an issue for a long time now, and I have tried addressing it several different times over the last ten years with varying levels of success. By April of 2006 I had lost 35lbs and was feeling pretty good, especially since I had just had a baby in December of 2005. Then life intervened and that May my father died on the 12th and my grandmother died on the 27th. Both of those people were very, very important to me, I loved them to death and I did not handle their passing very well., especially since they died within weeks of each other. I wasn’t sure how to deal with being in a world that they were no longer a part of and well….having chocolate cake for breakfast seemed to make me feel better. I was in such a major depression that I was willing to grasp at anything that made me feel better. I put all that 35lbs back on and then an extra 5lbs for good measure.
By spring of 2007 I had managed to pull myself together again and by August of that year had lost 30 lbs. I was feeling like I might actually do it this time! Sure, I still had 30+ pounds go, but I was on a roll! Then, well....that fall something bad happened, let's just say that. Anyhoo....long story short I got super fat again and have pretty much stayed that way ever since. Now I’m 35 years old and have three kids and need to lose AT LEAST 60 pounds.
What the hell is my problem? If I can only lose weight when things are going well in my life then I’m going to have trouble because life sucks ass sometimes and pigging out doesn’t actually help. Things seem to be going my way a little more lately – but what I need now is a coping strategy so that when the next life crisis comes my way I can deal with it properly. Maybe I should start smoking a ton of weed or playing VLT’s every night until 3:00 am or something. Actually, the pot will probably give me the munchies so that won’t help and we’re kind of broke which makes it difficult to be a hard-core gambling addict. Anyone out there have any ideas on how to cope with stress that doesn’t involve food? The first person to say ‘clean your house’ might get a virtual boot up their ass, however.
I try to have a decent amount of self-esteem, which is not easily accomplished when you are a seriously overweight individual. I have to have little talks with myself that generally go like this:
“I refuse to be one of those women who are totally obsessed with their body. I’m a feminist, dammit! I certainly would never want to perpetuate the notion that women need to be thin in order to be worthy and happy. The media is responsible for society’s hyper-focus on the perfect female form and I for one am NOT going to buy into that. Pass the Doritos.”
While I feel that all of the above is true and I stand by it, I’m not really sure when I decided that I need to be fat in order to prove how committed I am to the cause. Gloria Steinem isn't fat now, is she? The truth is this – the ‘society pressure’ argument is what I use as a convenient excuse to justify my fatness.
The weight as been an issue for a long time now, and I have tried addressing it several different times over the last ten years with varying levels of success. By April of 2006 I had lost 35lbs and was feeling pretty good, especially since I had just had a baby in December of 2005. Then life intervened and that May my father died on the 12th and my grandmother died on the 27th. Both of those people were very, very important to me, I loved them to death and I did not handle their passing very well., especially since they died within weeks of each other. I wasn’t sure how to deal with being in a world that they were no longer a part of and well….having chocolate cake for breakfast seemed to make me feel better. I was in such a major depression that I was willing to grasp at anything that made me feel better. I put all that 35lbs back on and then an extra 5lbs for good measure.
By spring of 2007 I had managed to pull myself together again and by August of that year had lost 30 lbs. I was feeling like I might actually do it this time! Sure, I still had 30+ pounds go, but I was on a roll! Then, well....that fall something bad happened, let's just say that. Anyhoo....long story short I got super fat again and have pretty much stayed that way ever since. Now I’m 35 years old and have three kids and need to lose AT LEAST 60 pounds.
What the hell is my problem? If I can only lose weight when things are going well in my life then I’m going to have trouble because life sucks ass sometimes and pigging out doesn’t actually help. Things seem to be going my way a little more lately – but what I need now is a coping strategy so that when the next life crisis comes my way I can deal with it properly. Maybe I should start smoking a ton of weed or playing VLT’s every night until 3:00 am or something. Actually, the pot will probably give me the munchies so that won’t help and we’re kind of broke which makes it difficult to be a hard-core gambling addict. Anyone out there have any ideas on how to cope with stress that doesn’t involve food? The first person to say ‘clean your house’ might get a virtual boot up their ass, however.
Fat Chick vs Food
I know I am very cliché posting about how I’m going to get into shape in 2009, but that’s fine. I’ve made peace with my typically average existence. I have a mini-van that I drive my son to soccer games in. I have a double car garage and a backyard that is home to summer bbq’s and trampolining children. I like reality television shows. I am in an average amount of debt for a 30-something. I listen to Neil Diamond cd’s and I’m just fine with all of this. In fact, I quite enjoy my clichéd existence. I have made peace with how my life has turned out so far and am generally satisfied. I have not, however, made peace with the fact that I am a super huge fat person now. That was never part of the plan.
I’m fucking HUGE. I’m not talking the 10 or 20 lbs an average person puts on around the time their 20 year high school reunion is looming or after having their second baby in as many years. We’re talking a gain of 60lbs over the last ten years. And I was 20lbs over my high school weight then. It’s really not cool. If I continue at this rate I’m going to need Dr. Phil to come over and cut me out of my house while the neighbours watch in horror as they load me on to a fire truck to get me out because it’s the only vehicle available that was big enough to hold me. That would suck.
My problem is (and always has been) that I’m an immediate gratification type person, and I find food extremely gratifying. I love cooking and I’ve gotten pretty good at it in the last decade or so. I also like drinking beer, eating chocolate and I think potato chips are a little slice of heaven right here on earth. When I chase those bad boys with a Coke I am having a little party for one! I also HATE exercising. A lot. The only thing I enjoyed doing and would do on even a semi-consistent basis was to play squash. The only courts in town closed down three months ago.
Yeah, yeah, yeah….bitch and moan and poor me already and blah blah blah and just put the bagel down and get your fat ass on the treadmill already. It sounds easy, but it’s really not that simple for me. I think I have taken this whole thing to the absolute extreme and have managed to create myself a full blown eating disorder. I think about food ALL THE TIME. I plan the next meal while I’m eating the current meal. Do other people do that? I don’t think they do.
I am under no illusion here that the 17 year-old 125 pound bikini clad FoN is every coming back. She’s gone for ever and I accept that. However, the 35 year-old giant shirt wearing size 36 jean FoN needs to hit the road too. That is enough of this shit already. I look ridiculous and feel like shit.
I really hope I can do this. I don’t know how exactly I’m going to do it yet – but I’m working on a plan as we speak. It will probably involve some kind of internet humiliation tactic because I need some serious motivation here. I’ll let you know what I come up with on Monday which will now be the day I post my weekly progress. I will need support so bring it on. Please!
I’m fucking HUGE. I’m not talking the 10 or 20 lbs an average person puts on around the time their 20 year high school reunion is looming or after having their second baby in as many years. We’re talking a gain of 60lbs over the last ten years. And I was 20lbs over my high school weight then. It’s really not cool. If I continue at this rate I’m going to need Dr. Phil to come over and cut me out of my house while the neighbours watch in horror as they load me on to a fire truck to get me out because it’s the only vehicle available that was big enough to hold me. That would suck.
My problem is (and always has been) that I’m an immediate gratification type person, and I find food extremely gratifying. I love cooking and I’ve gotten pretty good at it in the last decade or so. I also like drinking beer, eating chocolate and I think potato chips are a little slice of heaven right here on earth. When I chase those bad boys with a Coke I am having a little party for one! I also HATE exercising. A lot. The only thing I enjoyed doing and would do on even a semi-consistent basis was to play squash. The only courts in town closed down three months ago.
Yeah, yeah, yeah….bitch and moan and poor me already and blah blah blah and just put the bagel down and get your fat ass on the treadmill already. It sounds easy, but it’s really not that simple for me. I think I have taken this whole thing to the absolute extreme and have managed to create myself a full blown eating disorder. I think about food ALL THE TIME. I plan the next meal while I’m eating the current meal. Do other people do that? I don’t think they do.
I am under no illusion here that the 17 year-old 125 pound bikini clad FoN is every coming back. She’s gone for ever and I accept that. However, the 35 year-old giant shirt wearing size 36 jean FoN needs to hit the road too. That is enough of this shit already. I look ridiculous and feel like shit.
I really hope I can do this. I don’t know how exactly I’m going to do it yet – but I’m working on a plan as we speak. It will probably involve some kind of internet humiliation tactic because I need some serious motivation here. I’ll let you know what I come up with on Monday which will now be the day I post my weekly progress. I will need support so bring it on. Please!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy Sex-Free New Year World!
It’s 3:30 am, New Years Eve and I’m not getting laid. How do you like that? When ever *he* feels like it and I don’t, it’s some kind of horrible rejection thing and I have to pay the consequences for the next few days, but when I feel like it and *he* doesn’t it’s just fine ‘cause he’s tired. That doesn’t seem fair somehow. I can fake it in order to save feelings….why doesn’t it work the other way? I am totally OK with him phoning it in! Throw a girl a bone already! Ha ha… no pun intended. I guess I’ll just get even by posting my lack of nookie woes on the internet. Wow – I hope the Hubby never feels the need to start a blog. That could go horribly wrong in so many ways. Actually, I know he has one but it’s all full of academic-world useful things. No such luck here, folks!
I know I’ve been a bad blogger the last few weeks…..sorry Keely and Jen. Well, really Jen since I just end up calling Keely and telling her everything anyway. Jen - you should totally give me your number then I won’t have any guilt at all. Well, actually, don’t do that. Guilt is my motivator. Thanks Jesus. Thanks a lot.
Stay tuned – a new design and kick-ass insightful shit that will totally blow your mind is coming in the next few weeks. Well, the new design part for sure.
Happy New Year everyone!
I know I’ve been a bad blogger the last few weeks…..sorry Keely and Jen. Well, really Jen since I just end up calling Keely and telling her everything anyway. Jen - you should totally give me your number then I won’t have any guilt at all. Well, actually, don’t do that. Guilt is my motivator. Thanks Jesus. Thanks a lot.
Stay tuned – a new design and kick-ass insightful shit that will totally blow your mind is coming in the next few weeks. Well, the new design part for sure.
Happy New Year everyone!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Random Thought Tuesday
I wish I could be Santa for one day because I have a shit load of stuff I want to get people for Christmas. MY Christmas list would include: A sense of humour, a new hair style, the ability to relate to humans, a self-righteousness remover, an instrument that detracts pole from ass, a bullshit detector and last but not least, a soul. Oh wait, that would all go to the SAME PERSON.
Why do I live in this province? This weather is UNHOLY. There is no reason that we should be forced to experience nuclear winter for four months of the year. Fuck you Al Gore, bring it on.
I am TOTALLY in love with the guy that threw his shoes at George Bush. Who among us hasn’t felt like doing that? I’ve been throwing shit at that guy from my living room for years! I’m only sad Dubbya is so good at bobbing and weaving and the shoe-guy missed. I guess George had to be good at something. Finally! A skill is revealed! Too bad nobody figured it out before now - a career in boxing would have been far less damaging to the planet.
That’s all I’ve got. I have to go and let my car run (assuming it starts) for 30 mins in order for the steering column to be thawed enough to turn corners.
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