I try to have a decent amount of self-esteem, which is not easily accomplished when you are a seriously overweight individual. I have to have little talks with myself that generally go like this:
“I refuse to be one of those women who are totally obsessed with their body. I’m a feminist, dammit! I certainly would never want to perpetuate the notion that women need to be thin in order to be worthy and happy. The media is responsible for society’s hyper-focus on the perfect female form and I for one am NOT going to buy into that. Pass the Doritos.”
While I feel that all of the above is true and I stand by it, I’m not really sure when I decided that I need to be fat in order to prove how committed I am to the cause. Gloria Steinem isn't fat now, is she? The truth is this – the ‘society pressure’ argument is what I use as a convenient excuse to justify my fatness.
The weight as been an issue for a long time now, and I have tried addressing it several different times over the last ten years with varying levels of success. By April of 2006 I had lost 35lbs and was feeling pretty good, especially since I had just had a baby in December of 2005. Then life intervened and that May my father died on the 12th and my grandmother died on the 27th. Both of those people were very, very important to me, I loved them to death and I did not handle their passing very well., especially since they died within weeks of each other. I wasn’t sure how to deal with being in a world that they were no longer a part of and well….having chocolate cake for breakfast seemed to make me feel better. I was in such a major depression that I was willing to grasp at anything that made me feel better. I put all that 35lbs back on and then an extra 5lbs for good measure.
By spring of 2007 I had managed to pull myself together again and by August of that year had lost 30 lbs. I was feeling like I might actually do it this time! Sure, I still had 30+ pounds go, but I was on a roll! Then, well....that fall something bad happened, let's just say that. Anyhoo....long story short I got super fat again and have pretty much stayed that way ever since. Now I’m 35 years old and have three kids and need to lose AT LEAST 60 pounds.
What the hell is my problem? If I can only lose weight when things are going well in my life then I’m going to have trouble because life sucks ass sometimes and pigging out doesn’t actually help. Things seem to be going my way a little more lately – but what I need now is a coping strategy so that when the next life crisis comes my way I can deal with it properly. Maybe I should start smoking a ton of weed or playing VLT’s every night until 3:00 am or something. Actually, the pot will probably give me the munchies so that won’t help and we’re kind of broke which makes it difficult to be a hard-core gambling addict. Anyone out there have any ideas on how to cope with stress that doesn’t involve food? The first person to say ‘clean your house’ might get a virtual boot up their ass, however.