Thursday, January 8, 2009

God Bless America

There is a real upside to this whole blogging thing that I hadn’t at all considered, and that is how I would end up meeting so many different kinds of people. And by different kinds I mean Americans!

Americans have always been so abstract to me. We get pretty much all of your media so it's not like I'm unfamiliar with your popular culture, or even your actual culture (I watch documentaries too!), but I'm not sure I've ever been, you know, friends with a real live American. The only Americans I know are the ones whose parents ran like hell in the early seventies to avoid getting dragged into that stupid war. But those people were about two years old when they moved here so I don't count them as Americans. And you know what I’ve learned so far? I think I like you guys!

To be honest I still can't comprehend WHAT YOU WERE THINKING politically during the last eight years, but you have since redeemed yourself with the last election. I know not everybody was responsible for the whole 'Bush destroying the world' thing, but I gotta tell ya…it has been hard to watch from up here. But, that’s all behind us now and you elected Obama! I think I can safely speak for the rest of the planet when I say NICE GOING. If you would have actually elected Mr. Burns and Snow Princess Barbie there I would have had to figure out a way to take up residence on the moon.

Aside from our political differences (although, we’re not doing much better up here. I’m sure most of you have never heard of Stephen Harper, but trust me when I say he deserves top seat on the sucks-ass list) we are pretty much the same. I have noticed a few subtle differences that amuse me though.

Like the fact that you treat the letter 'u' like the nerdy kid on the playground that everyone excludes until you suddenly need one more player to make the teams even. 'Neighbour' 'Colour' 'Labour'....'u' only gets to hang out in these words when they're in Canada. When they go for a weekend road trip to the States? Poor 'u' doesn't get to go. What's up with that? U is a cool letter! You need it to spell some really awesome worlds like 'ukulele' and 'vulva' and 'fuck'.

Or that you don't have Clamato juice! Clamato is the greatest beverage EVER. Do you know what it is? It's part tomato juice, part clam juice and random spices. Yes, I know it sounds repulsive but trust me - it's splendid. If you ever happen upon some Clamato, preferably Motts Clamato, make yourself a Caesar. A Caesar is just like a Bloody Mary, but you know, good. Here is what you need to do - take your glass and rim it with celery salt. Regular salt works too, but it's better if you have celery salt. Then you put in some ice, 1.5 ounces of vodka (or however much you like - go wild!) 3 or 4 drops of tabasco sauce, a splash of worcestershire sauce, dash of salt & pepper, and then fill the glass with Clamato juice. Add a celery stick to garnish and serve. The next time you're in Canada order one. You won't be sorry.

Americans also have a million realty shows and I would totally win them all but I'm not allowed to enter any of them because I'm Canadian. Me and the letter 'u' can just sit up here and lump it I guess.

Or the fact that literally hundreds of thousands of people go to football games at all levels. Pro right down to high school - you all take your football VERY seriously. And I think it’s brilliant everyone gets drunk in the parking lot prior to the game. I love that because it seems so very neighbourly (the u is triumphant!), and frankly, something Canadians would do. I’m not sure why we don’t. We get drunk everywhere else, but so far we haven’t been able to nail down the finer points of the tailgate party. I think I’m going to try and get that tradition going here. Does anyone know the history and origins of the tailgate party? I would love to hear to hear how that one got started. The one thing we do have in abundance up here is drunk people.


Casey said...

I think I love you and I don't use that word often. Well, with my family, I do, but not to random northern strangers.

I feel the same way about you freaky Canadians... I've never come across one in real life but I've enjoyed getting to know you. You're weird though, you and your overuse of the letter U. I would be willing to use it more though if it were a deal breaker.

I don't know what we were thinking with Bush either. That was terrible and I spent 8 years being pissed off daily. At least we have hope now, otherwise you were going to be getting a new potty-mouthed neighboUr up there.

I'm sorry but Clamato juice sounds disgusting. It just does and I will not waver on my decision to never try it.

Football IS great. We're season ticket holders and before children ruined our lives, we spent our Sundays drunk on asphalt. It was lovely. We're also a hockey family (so I COULD be Canadian) but the tailgating just isn't the same. I think this comment was longer than your post. Sorry.

Kelly said...

I've totally heard of Clamato, which means I've must have seen it in a store, because I've never visited Canada.

You Canadians are great with your extra U's and plugging in of cars, eh.

Keely said...

The plugging of cars might have *something* to do with why we don't have many tailgate parties. Half the season it's frickin' freezing and while we're willing to sit in the stands, standing outside for the pre-party seems to be asking a bit much.

Also, Clamato IS disgusting. Don't listen to her.

jen said...

but you all have that zed thing going for you. it doesn't rhyme in the song ... i've never understood that.
i lived very very close to canada at one point in my life.
and even had a canadian roommate.
and i plugged in my car.
and she introduced me to ketchup chips and vinegar with french fries and those yummy chocolate ... damn what were they called? sparkies? round m&m-inithings.