Friday, September 24, 2010

Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Blossom.

I have stumbled across quite a few birth stories around these parts of late. Not to mention hearing about totally and completely insane things like this:

"There are those among us who believe that if the baby can't survive a home labor, it is OK for it to pass peacefully," she writes. "I do not subscribe to this, but I know that some feel that … if a baby cannot make it through birth, it is not favored evolutionarily."

That quote is from the woman who played Blossom on that sitcom......Blossom. Myiam Blachic. Okay, I'm pretty sure that is not how you say or spell her name, but I already looked up the quote and I'm too lazy to go back and look up her name. You know who I'm talking about - that chick who wore all the hats and had that brother who would randomly appear in scenes to say, "Whoa!"

She fancies herself a 'holistic mom' now. And clearly needs a new group of friends.

Are you shitting me with that quote? Those people shouldn’t be allowed to be parents. Period.

“Hi baby! I’m your mom. Nice to finally meet you. I hope you’re feeling okay, because if it looks like you might need some medical intervention I’m not going to give you any. I’m just going to stand by and watch you die.

Yeah, I know it’s a drag, but my massive inferiority complex has made me wrap my entire identity up in this insane doctrine that states in order to be a real woman I need to have a successful home birth. And unfortunately for you, logic and reason haven’t knocked on my door in an extremely long time.”

I think those people are from the radical fundamentalist sect that sprung from all the moms who gave me those looks of utter contempt when they would see me bottle feeding one of my babies.

But here is the thing. I desperately wanted to have a midwife instead of a doctor, but that option wasn’t available to me. I live in a province that only has one option for birthing children, and that’s the hospital and a doctor.

I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but try as I might, no matter how many tips I tried, classes I went to, lactation consultants I hired or herbs I took, I just simply did not produce enough breast milk to feed my babies. Even though I had three healthy pregnancies that produced three healthy children, I felt like a complete failure as a mother because I was physiologically unable to feed them.

My feeling of utter failure was fueled by people who would say ridiculous things to me like, “All women produce enough milk to breastfeed twins or triplets” (read: you are not trying very hard) or “You aren’t eating enough healthy food or drinking enough water and milk” (read: you don’t care about yourself or your baby).

My feeling of utter failure got so bad that each time I had to reach for that bottle I launched into why I am bottle-feeding, including my entire family history (I later discovered that my grandmother couldn’t breastfeed either), all the different diets I have tried, the herbs I’ve taken, the lactation consultants I have hired…..the whole nine yards.

In reality, I was just SO worried about people judging me for not breastfeeding because I didn’t want them to think I was uneducated or unconcerned about the health of my baby.

I have been accused of being….uh…outspoken from time to time, so I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who think I’m a crazy bitch. And mostly, I’m okay with that. In fact, I don’t really mind having a crazy bitch alter ego I can trot out whenever I cross paths with someone who is just begging for a verbal smack-down.

But when a certain tribe of people, the ones who believe in home births, and midwives and breastfeeding and parenting their kids without all the trappings of technology and intervention, look at me with scorn when they see me walking by with that bottle sticking out of my diaper bag, it really hurts my feelings. And it hurts my feelings because in reality, I just wanted to be one of them.

Which brings me back to my original point. Those dipshits who sit back and watch their babies die because they couldn’t bring themselves to cross the imaginary picket line full of women who don’t want to have a doctor intervene when it’s NOT necessary, are really just scared of feeling like they won’t belong to the real-moms club so they refuse their babies medical intervention when it IS necessary.

Which is really just making it harder on the rest of us women. THOSE are the people doctors point to and say,

See? Women can’t possibly be trusted to have their babies without us! They are deluded, irrational creatures that serve no purpose during the birth process other than to shut-up and spread ‘em. WE know better. Not women, and certainly not midwives.

And now we don’t have the best of any world. Women have been told repeatedly that home births are dangerous, midwives are unqualified, and trust me, Dear, you really want a doctor and access to emergency equipment at the hospital. You shouldn't listen to your own insticts. They are wrong.

And as a result many women (including myself) are left with horrific birth stories about doctors jamming unwanted IV’s into our arms, pumping us full of drugs we didn’t ask for, slicing up our lady parts when it’s just taking way too long for the baby to come out, or using machines to pull or suction our babies out of our bodies. And when all that doesn’t work? They slice our abdomens open and drag our babies out while we lay with gapping intestines on an operating table.

But guess what? There is a LOT of room between all that and letting your baby die on your living room floor because you are too proud to go to the hospital. Which, by the way, makes you a total fucking idiot who should be in prison.

The best thing anyone said to me when I was having so much trouble breastfeeding came from Politica, who happens to be a championship level breastfeeder. After talking to her endlessly about all the different ways I’ve tried to get my milk to produce she said, “Huh. Well, I guess it’s just not part of your biology”.

It was the ‘He’s just not that into you’ equivalent revelation to breastfeeding. Freeing, in fact. I wasn’t a total failure as a woman; my body just doesn’t produce breast milk!

So, to all of you expectant mothers….here is my gift to you.

Have your baby in whatever way feels right to you. Use a doctor, use a midwife, go to the hospital, stay at home.
Use drugs, stay unmediated, lie down or squat. Totally your call.

If some fuckhead doctor is doing something you don’t want or like, you are allowed to tell him to FUCK OFF.

If some patchouli smelling hippy chick in desperate need of an eyebrow wax starts giving you shit about giving birth in a hospital or using a doctor, you are allowed to tell her to FUCK OFF.

If you choose to bottlefeed, either by desire or necessity, you feel free to go right ahead and make that choice. It is yours alone to make.

I am officially leading the charge to stop judging one another. It’s not a contest, no one is right or wrong. Each individual woman knows best about what is right for her and her baby. Period.

Other than Blossom’s friends. They are still total fucking retards.


Unknown said...

Woohoo! Go FoN! I agree. I didn't breastfeed my kid cause I honestly had no desire to (despite that I was in the icu for a week thing, even if hadn't been I still had no desire to stick a kid on my breast. That was just ME. People can breastfeed if they want. I don't have a problem with it.)

Blossom's an idiot. Pretty sure I already knew that one though...

Michele said...

As an old hippy who had her babies in a hospital, the horror, and only breastfed for 15 months instead of the prerequisite 6 years I say, You go, girl! My feeling has always been; no matter how you delivered the kid, you got the prize. No matter how you feed that kid, it's healthy. Period! Full Stop!

Raven said...

Wow, what a fucktard that Blossom is! She gives all women a bad name.

I had trouble nursing my kids too. I didn't have enough milk to do so until after they were used to the bottle and wouldn't take the breast, so I can relate to your pain. Luckily for me, my mother had the attitude of 'screw anybody who tells you you're not a good mother for not breastfeeding' which helped a lot.

I think you're right, as women, we have the right to make our own decisions as to birthing and breastfeeding, we don't have to 'run with the pack' to be good mommies. Except Blossom and her friends, they shouldn't be allowed to make any decisions on their own. Ever.

Jennifer said...

Well if you are leading the charge then I'm second in command. I agree with every single thing you just wrote.

Laufa said...

I totally agree with you. I was a dry well also for my kids and they were allergic to milk, so had to go the soy way. I completely understand the heartache you felt. Blossom isn't very special anyway, just some wierd chick.

Keely said...

I don't think that was too long at all. Totally readable. And relatable. The cult of motherhood is completely out of control.

Jenni said...

I had both my kids at home and can I tell you how tired I am/was of hear people say, "but why would you do that? don't you know there are drugs to make it painless? what are you, some kind of martyr?" ugh. just shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business.

I often found that a lot of these statements were based in other women's own insecurities, like they were worried they had made the wrong choices and felt judged by my choices, if that makes any sense.

Anyways, I'm with you. It's time for women to stop judging each other and start supporting each other. Lets give each other the benefit of the doubt that our fellow moms are trying their hardest and making the decisions they feel are best for their families. There is no one right way to give birth or feed a baby.

Frogs in my formula said...

AMEN and well put. I ended up with a C-section after 28+ hrs of labor. It wasn't the flowery, holistic experience I've envisioned but dammit, when it was over I had a healthy child, live child. And then, like you, I couldn't breastfeed b/c my milk didn't come in. I cried about it. Then I let go of the guilt. Everyone was fine.

Motherhood and its trappings are full of needless competitions. It's sad that it brings out the uglier side of some women.

Blossom can bite me.

Ginny Marie said...

Would Blossom be saying that if she lost a child? I can't believe that she would be so matter of fact about evolution if it happened to be her baby that died. The whole Mommy war thing is just crazy! We should be sticking together, not tearing each other apart over breastfeeding vs. formula, working vs. staying at home, etc. Great post!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Go FoN! I believe that is pretty easy for her to say after HER child is born healthy, right?

Anonymous said...

Good one FoN. I totally agree. BTW, I sucked as a mother (by definition of being able to breastfeed, have babies naturally, and I worked, so that made it a triple whammy. I mom who isn't "home" baking cookies and wiping noses is not really on the June Cleaver hit list. Did you know the term hysterectomy comes from the word hysteria. The "hysterectomy" is a response to women't hysteria. Makes me mad.

Unknown said...

As somebody who was totally unable to breastfeed my kids for more than a few days to a few weeks, no matter what I tried... THANK YOU! I found you via the random Tuesday thing, but this post is the one that jumped into my vision.

As far as I'm concerned, every parent will know what is best for THEIR OWN baby, and should be supported in their decisions (barring the dangerous ones).

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

I'm so late to this party, but I had to comment with applause. Yes, I'm clapping here at my keyboard.

I was able to breastfeed my singletons, but I didn't, in fact, have enough patience or breast milk for my twins.

All of my births were c-sections for one reason or another.

Freedom should ring, baby. Freedom to make your own choices about birthing, feeding, disciplining and educating your kids. I'm right behind you in the charge.

Anonymous said...

How proverbial! I think I almost cried after reading that I am allowed to tell the world to FUCK OFF. I want to, because somehow, the world has made me feel guilty for not being able to produce 10 ounces of milk everytime I pump or feed my daughter. I'm still an awesome, dammit! I just can't lactate as well as Milky Magee, okay?!

xoxoxo said...

I have no kids and so havent had this problem yet!! I just wanted to chime in about "blossom"
She was recently on WHAT NOT TO WEAR--and it was hideously hilarious. Go Now and judge her.
Found you randomly thru blog links!