Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I can hardly wait until they grow up and I can go crazy old lady on their ass


This week’s RTT is dedicated to my children and all the random shit they have destroyed in my house.

Here's the thing...they look really sweet and innocent – like kittens or those Mormon girls in the jean skirts. But in reality, I’m pretty sure my kids are minions of satan. Or this Not Me person whose singular focus is destruction. He probably has all three of them on retainer.

In no particular order -

1. The desktop computer – I do hold another minion of satan, the Disney Corporation, partially responsible for this one too. Every website they peddle has some kind of downloadable bullshit attached to it, and they use their mind-control techniques to force my children to download EVERYTHING they offer. And now every time I boot up, some cartoon princess pops up and tells me I need to be a good friend. Fuck you, Ariel. Like I want advice from some human-fish hybrid with daddy issues whose best friend is a lobster.

2. The keyboard – Not Me left the desk lamp on all night. This wouldn’t be a huge problem if it wasn’t also pulled down so close to the keyboard it melted all the keys left of 2WSX. My oldest explains it away by saying not having access to certain keys is just making her more creative and expanding her vocabulary.

3. The mouse and mouse pad – GUM . That’s all I have to say about that.

4. All of the lids to my pots – They have proved to be a solid stand-in when Not Me can’t find his Millennium Falcon. Or when more than one kid wants to be the drummer while playing ‘Rock Band’.

5. My COUCH. Yeah, you read that right. My oldest decided to straighten her hair in the living room while watching TV and left the straightener resting on the arm of the couch until it caught on FIRE. Good thing she’s pretty.

6. The light fixture above the kitchen table – Ohhhh….that one really hurt. It was a beautiful glass shade that was really big and fit the look of the kitchen perfectly. J was standing on the table waiting to pounce on one of the other minions and smashed it to bits with her head on the way down. And no, she wasn’t even hurt. I loved that shade. She didn’t even end up with a stitch or two.

I'm pretty sure when people first come to my house they feel like they just stepped into the ‘say hallo to my little friend’ scene from Scarface.

But without the giant mounds of cocaine and the awesome soundtrack.

Although sometimes I do like to wear my hair feathered like Michelle Pfieffer and call people ‘Mang’.

I think this post is over now.

Go see


Raven said...

LMAO I feel for you. I used to call my youngest daughter 'The Destroyer' cuz she wrecked everything she touched. Her favorite thing to do was go and take apart all my electronics, phones, etc. and leave the guts all throughout my house. Never mind the fact that we actually needed the phones. Thankfully she's growing out of some of that.

I can't believe she set your couch on FIRE!!

Have a happy Tuesday and good luck keeping the destruction to a minimum!

Elle said...

LOL! "Good thing she's pretty"

So far we've been lucky with the kids destroying stuff. Usually it's the cats and dogs.

Jennifer said...


My kids also tend to be super destructive. I've almost given up.

Laufa said...

My hubby destroys more stuff than my kids at our house. His Mom did say he is the Anti-Christ, so that may explain something.

Frogs in my formula said...

I've never known anyone to say fuck you to Ariel. I think I love you for it.

Andrea said...

She lit the couch on fire...woah. I mean, woah. That and the melted keyboard are in the running for 1st. IMO.

Margaret aka: Fact Woman said...

LOL- I don't think my children would still be alive if they left gum, broke a light and set fire to the couch. Or maybe I'd just start drinking. Sure was fun to read about all that goes on in your house.

Stacy Uncorked said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! You poor thing! I think I would have run away and joined the circus by now. Wait, you kinda already have your own little circus, don't you? Never mind.


Mama Badger said...

I won't go down the track "Fuck you Ariel" took me. Nobody should think about mermaid sex.

And the couch? Damn. I though my kids were pains in the a$$. This tops it. I see this in my future, though.

Jan from theSushi Bar said...

Ahhh, I remember those days. I don't necessarily want to, but I remember them.

If it's any consolation, you're not alone: www.shitmykidsruined.com

Bobbi said...

And I thought my animals were bad. I may rethink having kids.

Captain Dumbass said...

Maybe if you occasionally stumbled around the house with an assault rifle?

Erin said...

OMG this cracked me up! My kids aren't old enough to quite be the minions yet but I can see it in their eyes!

Keely said...

Not the NEW couch??

Lynn Larson Armstrong said...

ah memories. This reminds me of the Hallowe'en that I got a call that my oldest daughter bounced off the couch and through a glass table. I was at work and dressed as a musketeer. I asked where she was bleeding - the answer was on her bed. I said no, where on her body - is this an ambulance call or what? So she ended up with a 2 inch scar and the mystery of how it happened is still in tact.

Anonymous said...

I would just like to say for the record I didnt set the couch on fire. I didnt mean to break the stupid lamp shade, and you did leave the lamp in ofice on. HA

The Daugher said...

and another thing, It did hurt.