I have a nine year old son named Jake. A few of you may know that already, but...hey. I'm not exactly Dooce so I figured a bit of a backgrounder might be in order.
Jake loves science, long bike rides around the block and hasn't hugged or kissed anyone voluntarily in almost seven years. I have to bribe him, usually with candy, if I want some affection out of this kid.
100% of the time.
Me: Hey Jake – you know my birthday is coming up next month, right?
No, I didn’t know that.
Me: Well, it is. Have you thought about what you’re going to get me?
Me: It’s a good thing I told you it’s coming up then, right?
Yeah. I guess.
Me: I have some ideas about what you could get me!
Me: I’d like some love please. Say….three kisses and five hugs.
Me: Okay, fine. Then I want a puppy. Or diamonds. Yeah, I think that’s it. Love, puppy or diamonds. Your call.
Dad won’t let me get you a puppy in a million years.
Me: So, diamonds then?
Okay. I’ll go to Dollarama.
Me: I don’t think they sell diamonds at Dollarama. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t be conflict free diamonds, and that is really important to me.
What is conflict free diamonds?
Me: I’m not sure, exactly, but I know they have something to do with war and bad people. And Leonardo Dicaprio.
Who is Leonardo Dicaprio?
Me: That guy from the Titanic movie who dates super models.
If he is in movies he can buy all the diamonds and it doesn’t even matter.
Me: That’s true. He is in a position to be picky about his diamond purchases. You, not so much.
I think you are too old for birthdays now anyway.
Me: I know! That’s why I asked for love. Only old ladies ask for hugs and kisses for their birthday.
I’m still going to Dollarama.