Saturday, September 18, 2010

I love that liquor is so cheap in America

This July marked my in-law’s 50th wedding anniversary. The fact they have managed to hang in there for that long together without ever once having yellow police tape surrounding their house is impressive to me.

They decided to celebrate by having the whole family join them on their dream holiday.

To the Mall of America.

I’ve only been married for sixteen years, but if by some miracle we manage to make it to the 50 year mark, Minnesota is probably not going to be our celebratory destination of choice.

Nothing against Minnesotaians; they are our American doppelgangers who know exactly why we have a plug dangling out of the front of our cars and have transitioned ‘eh’ into the popular lexicon in the way god intended.

But the Mall of America? For the golden annivesary? After 50 years of marriage you’d think my in-laws would want to up their game a little.

However, I figure an anniversary of that magnitude buys the right to boss everyone around so I just rolled with the punches.

The punches being a 14-hour drive with three children.

Here is the problem - my husband has five siblings and NONE of them have small children. They either have teenagers, young adults or no children at all. So when they plan group events they don’t take into consideration stuff like asking our kids to sit next to each other quietly for the entire waking day is kinda like asking Hamas to lead the campfire sing-a-long at Hebrew camp.

I addressed this situation by buying enough candy to lull them into a diabetic coma and purchasing so much liquor at the duty-free store I was able to build a booze tower between the kids so impressive they couldn’t see or touch each other for the majority of the trip.

And all that liquor came in handy as a week with the extended family was a pretty tall order. Some of the highlights:

- My brother-in-law telling racist and homophobic jokes in public places to the horror of servers and patrons alike. I started writing little notes on slips of paper I could pass to random strangers that read, “I have nothing to do with this guy – I just married into this family and am being held hostage by tradition and obligation to my mother-in-law. She’s actually pretty nice. She makes cabbage rolls and plays the pan flute”

- Staying in a hotel that served gravy for breakfast and smelled like chlorine and old lady.

- My father-in-law barking at my 70 year-old MIL after she fell on the steps coming into the hotel - “If you think you need to go to the hospital, get in the car and drive straight to Canada”. Which, by the way, is a six hour drive from Minneapolis. NICE. You’d think someone THAT cheap would have sprung for travel insurance.

- Paying $9.00 for a slurpee at Valley Fair

Alright, it wasn’t all bad. We did get to meet up with my BFF from Winnipeg who just so happened to be passing through. We had lunch at a Burger King attached to gas station in some small town I can't remember the name of now. I had a Whopper Jr. with cheese.

And I discovered I'm not too fat to ride a roller coaster. That was good news.

But not even ONE time did we run into Prince. I spent all that time practicing my interpretive dance version of 'Raspberry Beret' for nothing.


Nicole said...

I'm so glad your back to blogging! I look forward to the laughs

Andrea said...

I couldn't stop laughing at the Hamas joke. I really shouldn't but DANG that was funny.

Captain Dumbass said...

Tragic yet touching, like one of those Hallmark movies. Maybe next year they can try the West Edmonton.

robin said...

Wow. Nine bucks for a slurpee? That alone will harsh anyone's mellow!
PS- welcome back!

Frogs in my formula said...

Sounds like an interesting trip, to say the least. I love the idea of a liquor wall. And really, I wonder too, why the Mall of America? Why not Hawaii or the Bahamas?

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

As a Minnesotan, I feel the pain of the MOA. Come back though!

Keely said...

Really? Drive back to Canada? And they've been together 50 years - are you sure she's not deaf?

Michele said...

50 years and they pick the Mall of America? Not the first place that comes to mind. I'll be holding out for a tropical island with half nakid men because after all that time I'll deserve half nakid men.

Jenni said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenni said...

Jesus, was that Slurpee made of solid gold or something?

Glad you're back. Stay warm.

Ginny Marie said...

A fourteen hour drive with 3 children? You poor thing. At least you were able to ride that roller coaster!

Raven said...

I live in Minnesota, in the Minneapolis area, and I would never go to the Mall of America for any reason. I hate that place, it's huge and crowded and expensive.

Love the idea of passing little notes to strangers like that. I should remember that when my uncle is in town next.

Have a great day!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

The Mall of America for a 50th Anniversary celebration? If hubby suggests something like that for our 50th years from now, it's over. ;)

I LOVE the little notes you started passing - I would have done the same thing! :)

Glad to see you back - you've been missed!

anymommy said...

I choked on that slurpee for you. I can not imagine a hell worse than The Mall of America with my husband's family. God bless you. Also, your husband OWES you.

Laufa said...

That last part about Prince cracked me up. All the rest sounds like a normal family event to me. :)

Rickie Walkden said...

Hillsboro my friend, Hillsboro...and your bff from winnipeg via minneapolis, strongly dislikes MOA as well :-) it was the highlight of my summer as well to share a Whopper Jr with you and the fam for 30 min...couldn't have worked out better!