Monday, April 19, 2010

It's not like I'm Mary Louise Parker peddling a bag of weed or anything.

I’m getting pressure to join the PTA at my son’s school. Now that the Hubby is a teacher he has decided that all the GOOD families have parents (read: mothers) on the parent council and, you know, participate in some way. He is also feeding me some bullshit about there being a conflict of interest about him joining the parent council.

I’m not sure how that works exactly since he doesn’t teach at our son’s school, but he swears to god that is some kind of rule somewhere and he needs to follow it.

Here is the problem – we moved about five years ago to the other side of the city, and it’s kind of the wrong end of town.

For people like us.

Our neighborhood has three types of people:

1. Stay at home moms who are always draped head to toe in Lu Lu Lemon and can go grocery shopping at 2:00 pm on a Wednesday afternoon;

2. Families who love baby Jesus; and

3. Super old people with gazebos in their backyard who have lived in the neighbourhood since Kennedy was assassinated.

We do not fit into any of the above categories.

I make the Lu Lu Lemon moms super uncomfortable because not only do I have to work, like, everyday, I’m fat. Fat, working moms are not on their radar. At. All.

I make the baby Jesus families uncomfortable because I deliberately fuck with them whenever possible.

See, I have this ‘multi-faith’ calendar at work which alerts me to the various holidays being celebrated around the world on any given day. For example, today is the first day of Ridvan, the Bah’i festival that commemorates the 12 days that Baha’u’llah spent in the garden of Ridvan during his exile in Baghdad.

I know, right?

Now if I happen to see one of the Jesus families walking their dog while I’m playing with the kids outside after supper tonight, I’ll call out to them, “Happy Ridvan!” and wave fanatically.

As for the super old people – I irritate the shit out of them because aside from the standard mow now and again, I don’t really give a crap about the state of my lawn. The old people, however, will mow their grass, rake up the mowed grass, get this crazy looking contraption out and, I shit you not, VACUUM their lawn. They average about 3 hours a day on that mo-fo. It’s actually a nice wind down to the day watching them go through all that effort for a patch of grass. I just sit on my stoop and eat freezies.

Where was I originally going with this? Oh yeah, the PTA.

I have been avoiding joining the PTA because in my neighbourhood I’m the crazy fat chick with the brown lawn who worships satan.

Nobody wants that chick on the PTA.

But, apparently at some point in the not so distant past I indicated on some shitty little form I wasn’t really paying attention to that I would be willing to volunteer for school special events. Really? I’m pretty sure the Hubby suckered me into this one somehow, because I totally do NOT remember signing on for that. However, I got a call today, from the president of the PTA herself, inviting me to a meeting Thursday night to discuss planning the annual ‘Hoe Down’ the school throws in June.

I told her that she’s lucky the meeting wasn’t scheduled for tonight because it’s Ridvan, and work is traditionally suspended on days 1, 9 and 12 of the festival.

Then I told her I’d see her at the meeting and to keep an eye out for me - I’d be the chubby one in the WalMart 'George' label yoga pants with with blue freezie stain dripped down the front of her tank top.

Blue is the best freezie colour, hands down.

They’re going to LOVE me.


Casey said...

Well they may not love you but I would totally serve on the PTA with your ass. Except I think red is the best freezie color... ;)

Jenni said...

Stains; it's the new black.

My word verification is "tushosil" which sounds like some kind of ass-pimple cream.

Keely said...

Are you going to stand up and sing "Harper Valley PTA"?

Jennifer said...

If you lived in my neighborhood we would totally be best friends. I live across the street from one of the luluwomen (but she's nice) and (I shit you not) the Joneses, which are a really old couple that spend half the days outside making the rest of us look bad with their yard maintenance. I think they must have been professional yard people before they retired.

Sarah said...

Sorry, too busy laughing my ass off to commment.

Michele said...

Please dye your hair some color really not seen in nature before you go than give us a report. Because I think that combo would have those luluwomen gawking. HA!

robin said...

To hell with the PTA. Want to be my friend? Promise it will be more fun.
PS- Canadians do the "where were you when Kennedy was assassinated" thing too? Who knew?

Anonymous said...

I am at work in one of many cubicles and just gave out big LOL for your self description -"..brown lawn and satan worshipper." Thanks for making my day!


Frogs in my formula said...

I love you. You're so funny. I'd never heard of that lemon store so I checked it out.

Meh. The PTA needs you. Desperately.

Contact: said...

just stumbled on your blog and I will *heart* it 4ever