Monday, April 19, 2010

A hundred bucks says he has the nazi symbol tattooed on his forehead. There just can’t be any other explanation for that hair.

Who the fuck is Justin Beiber? Seriously, where did this kid come from? He interrupted my Juno awards last night (Canadian music’s version of the Grammys) with some horrible ‘Baby Baby Baby Baby’ song that included this kid with no forehead leaning over the stage singing to screaming 10 year-old girls while surrounded by huge black dudes trying to rap to this ridiculous song. Why is this kid even performing on the Junos? Shouldn’t he be guest staring on the Hills or dry humping Miley Cyrus or something?

Holy shit, is he….Canadian? No! He can’t be. Surely I would have heard about him before now if he was Canadian. I already feel bad enough about inflicting the world with Celine Dion, I’m not sure I could handle the shame if this twerp was Canadian.

And where is his mother? We ALL know how this will end – good ol’ JB will livin’ la vita-methamphetamine by the time he’s 21 and his ‘fan base’ is old enough to realize he kind of sucks.

I mean, here is the picture that was on MY wall when I was 13 years-old.



That didn’t really end so well.

I just googled him. Yes, Justin Beiber is Canadian. So was Corey Haim, as it turns out.

Attention Canadian mothers of cute, yet somewhat talentless children!!

Don’t whore them out for profit, okay? We get free health care; you don’t need the money that badly. Their mediocre singing and preposterous haircuts will eventually be discovered for what they are – a quick fad to bilk tweens out of their allowance and introduce them to the showerhead nozzle at an early age. Instead of sending your child on a self-destructive path that ends with dating Lindsay Lohan, how about you leave it with Junior taking the lead in the school musical and getting blown by a cheerleader in the backseat of his 1996 Ford Topaz.

Gonorrhea is way easier to treat than a heroin addiction.

You’re welcome.

16 comments:

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Holy crap, that was funny. Thank you for the laugh in my otherwise laughless Monday.

(And btw, I never heard of him either...)

Keely said...

Hahhahhahhaha! I had no idea who he was either, so I googled him and 95% of the pictures of him he's throwing up this weird gang sign that looks like scissors. It's like Joey from Full House doing "Cut. It. Out."

I wonder whatever happened to Kirk Cameron?

Amandalyze said...

From the thoughts of mothers everywhere...THANK YOU for that hysterical moment in time. So glad I found you - love your blog!

Your fellow mom-in-the-blog-o-sphere...

Still On The Verge said...

Unfortunately, I know who he is all too well. He is all over my daughter's room. He sucks!

Lydia

Jennifer said...

This is hilarious. I keep wondering who he is too. But I did know he is Candadian. Thank God.

Mrsbear said...

I have a tweenage daughter, I know who Justin Beiber is. Although, sadly, I always giggle a little when I say his name...

I used to have Corey Haim on my wall too, now it seems he was some kind of prescription drug kingpin. Of course, I blame his parents.

Nicole said...

You make me laugh, really the out loud kind of laughs. Thanks alot..it is much needed these days. I have a dear friend that is canadian so I passed your blog onto her. I'm sure she's gonna love it.
Nicole
PS unfortunetely my 6 1/2 yr old loves Justin, Im trying not to judge I loved Jordan from the NKOTB!! haha

Lulu said...

Freakin' hilarious - especially the line about the blowjob...so true!

Jenni said...

Hahahaha! Oh, loved this so much.

Okay, did you know he has a devoted lesbian following? You HAVE to check out this website. Go now. You will die from the funny/weird.

http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

Captain Dumbass said...

You should be writing public service announcements for school kids.

robin said...

Corey Haim DID have great hair, didn't he?
Sigh.
PS- If you want a good laugh, google the words Justin Bieber and lesbians.

Raven said...

LMAO!! I loved this post. My Drunken Midget ADORES Justin Beiber, though she does ask, how can he sing all these songs about true, everlasting love when he's like 12?

I didn't know he was Canadian. Now I have someone to blame for having to listen to his music over and over and over again until I want to puncture both eardrums with an ice pick.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Oh, he's Canadian? I thought he was a domestic disturbance.

Casey said...

I still don't know who that asshole kid is and it's starting to annoy me that he's taking up time on my gossip sites. I feel old.

April Couch said...

You are a freaking funny lady let me tell you. My Friend Nicole texted me last night and told me I HAD to read you... So glad I did!
BTW.. where in Canada are u?

Aunt Juicebox said...

Hehe! I had posters of Wil Wheaton in my room.