Thursday, July 16, 2009

I hope you have sand in your crack

Hello, ma’am. Yes, that is a lovely bathing suit you have there. The sliver stars really shine against the bright pink background. And don’t worry; you can still totally pull off wearing the same bikini as the 14 year-old girl sitting next to you even though you’re pushing forty. The botox is really helping. That look of utter contempt you just shot my eight year-old son as he mistakenly sprayed a few grains of sand on your beach blanket as he ran excitedly to the lake to get more water for his sandcastle moat was a little uncalled for, however. How nice for you that your very young child sits stone still while gnawing on the same piece of watermelon for two hours, but the rest of us with normal, non-sedated children must learn to tolerate their incessant laughter and silliness while at the BEACH.

You see, most people bring their children to the beach because they have fun there. Since you’re not familiar, fun can best be described as the expenditure of time in a manner designed for pure enjoyment, most often characterized by activities that make the participant of said fun feel joyful. Parents can usually tell their children are having ‘fun’, because they express themselves with laughter, smiles and the occasional excited ‘whoop-whoop’.

If you take your child off the valium and allow him to move about, he may be able to experience fun for himself. I’m sure that piece of watermelon is simply riveting, but so is the GIANT LAKE right in front of him.

Besides, my little bastard is going to get it covered in sand anyway.

17 comments:

Jenni said...

what a bitch. kick some more sand on her blanket for me.

Michele said...

A bikini after 35? Who is she kidding? Send the boy over to toss more sand on her towel.

Jennifer said...

Did you bring a beach ball? That could get very interesting.

robin said...

Normal, non-sedated children! Ha! LOVE IT!!!!

Keely said...

I always expect people with children to be tolerant of people with children. *sigh* I guess I got my hopes up.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Normal, non-sedated kids are the best...they have more fun, which makes us parents have more fun...well, mostly. :) I love your last sentence...I was thinking the exact same thing as I was reading your post! LOL! ;)

Ms. Salti said...

It's one thing to rock a bikini body after a certain point... a totally different thing to be a stuck-up, elitist snob about it! If you're going to the beach, have some effing fun already!

Glad to hear you guys are enjoying yourselves. I'm totally jealous!

Momma Trish said...

This is awesome.

It's sad, but people who suck all the joy from life tend to live forever. You know, unless you hit them with a car or drown them in the lake or something. Not that I'm advocating these choices or anything. *wink*

Ashlee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashlee said...

I deleted that last one cuz I'm dumb and can't type...try this again. I'll take my normal spazoid kids over the comatose zombie kids any day of the week! What is that chick smokin? Somone should take the stick out her rump!!

CDB said...

Awesome, love it. I wonder if she's googled "I'm a Bitch" lately and (hopefully) found this post.

Frogs in my formula said...

No pictures of the ass and her crack? Aw shucks!

Anonymous said...

Hi - I love your honesty and the hilarious way you express it.

Joanna Jenkins said...

People need to just relax and let their kids be kids, especially at the beach where they can be as loud and playful as they want- You now, Life's a Beach :-)

Raven said...

People like that annoy the heck out of me. When my kids were little there was this one woman that lived in my apartment building and she'd get irritated at my kids when they splashed and she got a few sprinkles, while she was in the pool. I'm not sure how she thought she was going to stay dry while in the pool, but whatever!

Casey said...

Stupid cuntrag. What, I'm on Vicodin and I can say words like that. Hope you're enjoying your free vacation!

Melissa said...

F'N Hilarious! What a bitch!Your really entertaining to read:)