Friday, January 8, 2010

RIP 2009....

Wow, it’s a New Year and decade – how do you like that? Before I launch in to my diatribe of my love/hate relationship with New Years (I actually have been writing, just not posting. Weird, huh? I’m a complicated soul), I thought I would reflect on 2009. It was a banner year in the old FoN household! I mean, it’s not like one of us won American Idol or anything, but a few pretty major things got checked off the giant ‘to do’ list of life. Here are some of the highlights -

January – I started blogging about my big fat ass in Fat Chick vs. Food, but what I remember most about that month is that it was so fucking cold I might as well have been living in the arctic circle. I came out to start my car each morning expecting penguins and polar bears to be lounging in the driveway. I bet there were a LOT of babies born in September around these parts, because you literally needed someone INSDIE you to stay warm. I was a miserable bitch that whole month. Freezing and starving to death (the new diet, remember) is a really bad combo. That must explain why most totally impoverished countries are hot; God didn’t want to be a total bastard.

February – After my application to obtain refugee status in Florida because of the unholy conditions I found myself living in was denied, I decided to pack up and go visit Politika in the much warmer province of British Columbia. The trip was awesome and aside from a 5 HOUR delay due to the fucking weather coming home, extremely successful. Guess how long you can keep a three year-old entertained in an airport? It’s significantly less than five hours, I assure you.

March – My career was not in a good place. While I loved my coworkers, it turned out that Jesus took over the head-honcho job at my workplace. Don’t get me wrong – I love Jesus as much as the next gal – but he should really just stick to curing leprosy and being a martyr and shit like that. Maybe a career modeling sandals or designing robes would be a good fit? A job as a walking tour guide, perhaps? But running a television station......not so much. I made the decision to move it along…..

April – So I jumped ship and joined a money-making government powerhouse and took a position coordinating the strategic planning and corporate reporting. I mean, who doesn’t love a job dripping in corporate bureaucracy? Nothing makes me wetter than having the exact same meeting, with the same people, discussing the same topic, over and over and over and over again, without actually ever accomplishing anything. Ever. Not even one time. Yeah….good call, FoN.

May – Fat Chick vs. Food commitment was starting to slip a little. I had dropped almost 30 pounds by this point, but summer was rapidly approaching and nothing confirms the imminent approach of summer quite like the lure of deck beer and meat on a stick. Each day the weather got warmer, my ‘fuck it, get me a pilsner’ attitude got a wee bit stronger.

June – Holy shit, this is the month that contains the day I never thought would actually happen. Ever. For SIX years, Hubby had been in school preparing to become a teacher. For all those years, everyone would say to me, “Don’t worry – it will go by fast”. Well, fuck you guys because that was the longest six years of my life. But in June, 2009, Mr. FoN donned the robe and graduated university. He was now able to mold young minds (read: indoctrinate them with left-wing socialist propaganda). I’m so proud.

July – Because we were a little light on funds this year, I whored out my family for a lake front cabin rental-for-trade for two weeks in July. It was a great vacation that taught my kids the value of a hard day(s) worked. That, and they better get their ass to university after high school and get a job making enough money to just pay for a holiday so they can skip all that yard work bullshit when they are older and want to go on vacation.

August – We returned from vacation to the grind of life. Then my daughter turned sixteen. This is pretty remarkable considering I’m only twenty-five myself. I also celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary. We were married on the playground during recess when I was in grade five, if you were wondering.

September – The kids returned to school, and Mr. FoN made his classroom debut. Godspeed, children. This is also the month it became clear to me I had made the wrong career move. Working for THE MAN is just not good for my street cred, you know? Resume building began in earnest.

October – We made our annual trip to Winnipeg, the bigger, meaner, dirtier version of Regina to see my mother. It was better than our usual trips to the ‘Peg. I got drunk and went shopping. Those things happened on two separate occasions; I didn’t get drunk and THEN go shopping. Although drunk shopping can actually be a pretty good time. Other than those silly ‘you puke on it you bought it’ rules stores seem to have. Pfft.

November – Have you ever seen the Simpsons episode where Homer saves up enough money to quit his job at the nuclear power plant in favor of his dream job at the bowling alley? Well, my bowling alley job went up for bid. A local non-profit culture organization posted an opening looking for someone to coordinate a new program they are developing that provides funding to children with social/financial barriers so they can participate in art and culture activities. Dance, music, theatre, writing, etc. Can you think of just the perfect candidate for that job? I’ll give you a clue…..she is a bittered government worker who feels like she’s trapped in a bad remake of GlenGarry Glen Ross on a daily basis. You are correct, it's ME! I sent them my resume by mail, email, messenger and carrier pigeon. Just to be on the safe side.

December – Christmas time! I love Christmas. I bought the most obnoxiously large Christmas tree you’ve ever seen, sang carols for the whole month, went totally overboard on the Christmas presents and put booze in my coffee every morning. Every day for the whole month of December. So I was a little tipsy when the non-profit group called and OFFERED ME THE JOB!! I start on February 1st. Thank, you baby Jesus, and happy birthday.

So, that was my year in a nutshell. What’s going to happen this year I wonder? I have some money for the first time in my life, so that should be pretty interesting. We have a couple of trips planned in the next few months, I’m going to start a brand new career, my husband will need to secure a new teaching contract, and in September my youngest will start her first year of school while my oldest starts her last year of school.

Oh, and I’m still fat so I guess I'll keep ringing the weight loss bell again for another year.

Sigh.

But, hey...I’ll do my best to keep you posted. HA! Get it?? I’ll keep you POSTED?!!

I’ll give up the bad jokes in 2011.

11 comments:

Tricia McWhorter said...

I rarely laugh out loud while sitting alone in my car waiting for my kids to return from an appointment but damn you had me in stitches. Thank you so much! I really needed that. And congrats on the new job.

Peggy said...

Happy New Year FoN!

The last sentence of January was a killer! :)

Congrats on everything!

robin said...

I love that you call him Mr. FoN! Too cute.
Congrats on landing the great gig! And happy 2010!

Aunt Juicebox said...

This year, try not to save it all up for one post. Try posting it as it happens. =D LOL

Michele said...

Congrats on the new job! Having work/working for the government I can attest to how much bullshit goes on there. Good for you for getting out of there are fast as humanly possible.

Frogs in my formula said...

That's one of the best year in review posts I've read. Congrats on the job! You give me hope.

Captain Dumbass said...

I loved March. Sorry.

Keely said...

I look forward to next years post.

Or, y'know, coffee sometime.

Elisa said...

Awesome "year in review" post :-)

Avitable made some predictions for the coming year, if you are interested. Me, I like surprises. Ok, not really, but I like not to know when doom is coming ;-)

Casey said...

Wait, did you get the new job or not? Another new job or the one you got uhm, I can't remember.

I still can't believe you guys got a free/trade vacation. So cool.

Here's to a rockin 2010. Yeah, I know I'm late. Got shit goin on here, yo.

steenky bee said...

Hello? I sort of miss you. Where you be? Oh hell, who am I to talk?