Friday, June 26, 2009

FoN and Superkeely vs. the Fucktard Sisters - the Final Chapter

I'm wrapping this bad boy up today! Click here if you need a refresher.

Like I said, I’m not entirely sure what went down while I was running for my life, but from the bits and pieces I can gather Valentina tried to unsuccessfully pin down the Fucktard Sister, the group of guys at our table just sat there half stunned, half turned on that a real honest-to-god girl fight was unfolding right before them, and Keely took off trying to find some help.

By the time I had reached the stage and the safety of the Hubby, Keely had alerted security to the situation and was trying to lead the bouncers through to the direction of the Fucktard Sisters. The Hubby, pretty fucking mad two crazy chicks were trying to kill his wife, threw his drumsticks down and charged to the front of the stage. Hearing the drums suddenly stop the rest of the four guys in the band looked behind them to see what the hell was going on. They were able to figure it out just in time to get out of the way while the Hubby took the microphone to address security.

“This crazy bitch here, and that crazy bitch there. Get them the fuck out of this bar right goddamn NOW.”

The bouncers were being led through the crowd by Keely who was trying to direct traffic and move the people on the dance floor out of the way.

From my view on stage all of a sudden I saw a huge bouncer come up behind each Fucktard Sister, grab them around the waist and haul them each – kicking, screaming and massive hair flying - out of the bar. Keely was standing front and centre, laughing hysterically while giving each one of them the finger. I’m pretty sure that if they would have managed to free themselves from the bouncers Keely would have been their next target.

So there we were. On stage in front of 300 stunned people, the Fucktard Sisters were being hauled out by giant men while screaming profanities, Keely was still giving the double birdies to each one of them, the band stood silent while they tried to figure out what in the hell was going on, and I was in the middle of the stage with a crowd of people (most of whom I knew) staring up at me. After a moment or two of awkward, the band decides to start up again with ‘We are the Champions’ and the crowd goes wild. I stayed up there for a moment, waving at the Fucktard Sisters (who were about halfway out of the bar at this point and still completely wigging out) and savoring my victory. My victory over the fact that not only can I run faster than they can, but I have friends who are good in a crisis. My one and only bar fight in the history books.

I know there were a bunch of you waiting to hear all about the ass kicking they took at the hands of me and Keely, but……. we’re Canadian. That’s just not how we roll.

Epilogue -

This happened about twelve years ago. Our city is not that big, and while the Fucktard Sisters and I don’t exactly frequent the same type of establishments, I am still to this day on the semi-lookout for that giant hair. I haven’t ever seen the youngest one (the one who hit me in the face), but I’ve seen the oldest one twice. The first time I saw her was in a mall and I managed to see the hair coming over the crowd in time to avoid a pass by in the aisle. The second time……. she was getting into a bar fight.

7 comments:

Jennifer said...

This was too hilarious. Your one and only black eye, and you never even tried to hit back. I wish you had a picture of the bouncers picking them up and carrying them out of there.

Ashlee said...

Omg!! HAHA! Great story. I can't believe you still see one of 'em! Creepy!!

Keely said...

They're hard to miss, what with their HUGE faces & all.

Nice recap! I'm trying to think of another one to tell that doesn't involve some kind of illegal activity...

Casey said...

Oh man, any bar fight that ends with a Queen song takes the cake in my book. Mmmm, cake. Good for you for running on stage, a smart move indeed. Keely's lucky those middle fingers didn't get bent off or stuck in the bitch's hair.

Frogs in my formula said...

Great story. Like something out of a movie. I love how hubs threw down his drumsticks and leaped into action. Too fricken funny.

Jenni said...

we are the champions! hilarious!

you canadians are a peace loving folk.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Oh I love it! It was totally worth the wait - I couldn't load your page with the one-bar internet connection I was stealing from a neighbor of the friends we were visiting, so I had to wait until we got home...which was about an hour ago... :)

I've always love that song We Are the Champions...now I love it even more! ;)