I know - I’m sorry. This is morphing into a long one. It didn’t start out that way, but I’m on a roll now so you’re just going to have to come along for the ride. If you are just joining us, Part 1 is here, and Part 2 is here.
At some point during the evening Keely came up beside me with a good question.
“When was the last time you saw Valentina?”
“Ummm…...that is a good question. I’m not sure. Is she in the bathroom? Better yet, are the Fucktard Sisters still here?”
Keely and I looked at each other for a moment, collectively rolled our eyes and set off to find Valentina. We got about half way through the bar when a friend of ours stopped us to ask who the girl with giant hair was Valentina was talking to on the deck.
I think this is the point in the evening I realized there was no way I was getting out of this situation unscathed. Hmmmm. This was a tough call. If I went outside to see what was going on with Valentina and the Fucktard Sister I knew for sure she was going to come right at me. If I stayed inside and out of her way, I was hanging Valentina out to dry.
“Were they just talking, like…normal talking? Or was it more like yelling and scary talking?” I asked.
“Well, at one point Valentina looked like she was going to start crying, but then the chick with the giant hair gave her a hug.”
Oh, for the luva…… here is another thing you need to know about Valentina. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt in every single situation. I could go to her house and burn down her garage one day and she would tell me that while she wishes I wouldn’t have sprayed gasoline all over her stuff and set it on fire, she's sure I must have had a good reason so she forgives me. Valentina is really one of the last pure good souls. God only knows what the Fucktard Sister was saying to her, but whatever it was it led Valentina to believe that everything was going to be a-okay. Yeah, not so much.
Once Keely and I realized the Fucktard Sister was not going to mess with Valentina, we made our way back through the bar and joined a table of people sitting near the back on the far left side of the stage. I had filled the Hubby in on the developing Fucktard Sister state of affairs while the band was on their last break, but I played down the situation a little. I didn’t want to worry him since there was little he would be able to do while trapped behind a drum kit all night anyway. Also, at the last break I hadn’t seen them in a while so the Fucktard Sister alert was only at DEFCON 4. After the Valentina/Fucktard Sister deck exchange the situation had taken a leap to DECFON 2 and I had a sinking feeling it was quickly approaching 1.
I took my seat at the table with my back to the wall so I could have a birds eye view of any approaching drunk and fugly lunatics. It only took one sip of my drink to catch a glimpse of her over the rim of the glass. The youngest Fucktard sister (not the one talking to Valentina on the deck, the other one), was shooting me a drunk chick version of the Zoolander Blue Steel stare.
I tried to act casual, and I even put my head under the table when I started laughing. I know laughing at her was just poking the bear, but I really couldn’t help it. Picture this –
with giant teased hair and heavy black eyeliner wearing a tank top three sizes too small with a huge stain of spilled beer down the front.
Keely joined me under the table long enough to inquire what the hell I was doing under there.
“Ummm…well, I’m avoiding making eye contact with Headbanger Charo over there – 3 o’clock.”
“Where?” Keely asked, as her head snapped up and whipped around to the general direction of the Fucktard Sister. “Oh, HA!” “Bwaaahahahahahaha, that is FUNNY”.
That was it – I just couldn’t help it anymore. Keely’s reaction, the cocktails and the absolute absurdity of the situation made me totally lose it and I started laughing hysterically. As it turns out, that was the green light the Fucktard Sister was waiting for.