Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Kicking it Old School

It's been about six months since I started this blog, and in honour of my mini milestone I have decided to totally cop out and re-post my first real blog entry. Since the early beginnings I have managed to find a few other kindred souls in the Blogosphere with some older kids, but for the most part it's still pretty much mommies and their ankle bitters. Oohhhhh, are YOU guys in for a treat!

Don't Say I Never Warned You

I know I am new to the whole mommy blogger phenomenon, but as far as I can tell I am the only one on here who has older children. All the rest of you are up to your eyeballs in dirty diapers, suffering sleep deprivation, running after toddlers just learning to walk and trying to teach your kids that shoving tic-tac's up their nose doesn’t end well. I speak from experience – I once raced frantically to an emergency room with my toddler who had managed to shove at least one and possibly more tic-tac's up his nose. He shoved one so far up there, in fact, that you could actually see the visible lump in perfect tic-tac formation poking out just slightly below the bridge of his nose and just over from his left eye. Yeah, I don’t know how he managed that either.

After waiting in the emergency room for decades to see whatever twelve year-old and/or foreign exchange student intern they had working at the time the tic-tac had melted sufficiently and they sent me home with a stern warning to not let my two-year old have tic-tac’s anymore. Nothing like not only feeling like a horrible parent for not appropriately supervising the toddler/breath mint combo, but I also had the privilege of spending FOUR HOURS in a hospital with a crying/tired/minty-fresh toddler and was then subsequently judged by a doctor who was probably in charge of organizing the pub crawl for later that weekend.

I do remember the stress of being a first time parent and the parent of young children. They’re messy, demanding, totally clingy and do not respond whatsoever to compromise or logic. When it comes right down to it, toddlers are pretty much like the worst boyfriend you ever had. Except for the fact that you inexplicably love them more than anything on earth (even though a large percentage of the time they make you want to grab the nearest sharp and pointy object and jab it as hard as possible into your ear just to get some relief).

I remember all of this, and to a certain degree I’m still right in there with you. However, in addition to my darling almost three-year old Lena and hysterically odd seven-year old Jake (tic-tac incident) I have another one, and that one is FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. Oh yes, the stories I could tell about this fascinating daughter of mine does indeed warrant the use of the dreaded ‘ALL CAPS’.

So, this presents an interesting factor that none of the rest of you need to deal with. My oldest spawn can actually read this, right NOW whenever she wants. I know, most of you have little ‘dear So and So’ pages you will faithfully update with the intent of having So and So read all about their first years, gain some insight as to who their mother really is, etc., etc. Yeah, that’s all fine and good when they’re TWO. In fact, this will not be any real concern of yours for a good decade or so. That gives you a whole lot of time to reconsider if posting the picture of your cute little man wearing his sister’s dress while shoving his nose in the dog's ass is really something that will ultimately advance your goal of forging an unbreakable bond between mother and child.

See, here’s the thing - you poor souls have no idea what you’re in for. You are all typing away imagining little So and So all growed up and having a good chuckle at mom’s wit all while feeling so very loved because you went through the trouble documenting their every fart. You’re thinking So and So will be all “I used to poop in the bathtub??! Awwww, Mom that’s funny, and by the way, thanks so much for cleaning it up all those times. Do you want to go for a walk and hold hands?” Well folks, I hate to burst your blogger bubble, but in reality, it will likely go down a little more like this -

(boy version) – “MOM! Get that shit off the internet right NOW. Take down your stupid website, you’re so GAY. And MOVE ‘cause I want to play World of Warcraft with Blaze (it will be around 2018 by this point so your kids will likely have friends named Blaze or Titan since we have had a rash of very unfortunate baby names of late. For some reason there is a growing group of parents who, in an effort to prove their own uniqueness, name their kids something completely ridiculous. Really, this trend needs to stop now or we’re going to end up with a Prime Minister named Spirtall. Yes, believe it or not I actually know a kid with that name).

or

(girl version) – “OH!! MY!! GOD!! I can’t believe you would tell the WHOLE WORLD about me and say such totally embarrassing things. Take it off right now or no one will ever talk to me again and you totally SUCK!!” (stomp–stomp–stomp–stomp–stomp-stomp- SLAM).

No, my little blogging friends, what you are writing right now will not please your little ones at ALL. You know when they will like it? When they are in their thirties and have started their own blogs staring YOU. Who’s going to have the last laugh then?

16 comments:

Michele said...

Mine are in their 20s and say things like: "What, are you going to put that in your blog? I'm never speaking to you again". Promises, promises. They always start talking to me when they want money.

Peggy said...

Holy Hilarious! That was you first post! My 11 year old repeatedly asked me what was so funny while I was reading it! I heart you FoN!

CDB said...

Oooooooohh, shudder shudder. How true, how true, how scary. I have one 21-mo old toddler, so I am EXACTLY to whom you are referring. And I think I have it bad NOW?

So really I just need to shut up about diapers and fingerpainting, eh?

Blaze and Titan made me laugh. I'm glad you re-posted!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Congrats on your 6 month milestone! ;) What's funny is I use the idea that I'm going to blog about something to keep the Princess Nagger in line...if she's doing something she's not supposed to be, I'll say "I'm so going to blog about that tomorrow!" so she usually stops and asks me to please not do that...she's 6 - wonder if it will work when she hits her teens? (grin!!) Great first post - you started off with a bang! ;)

Robin said...

So awesome for a first post. You were made for this blogging thing, even if your kids strongly (heh) disagree. :)

HeatherPride said...

I've worried about this myself. So instead I print out my blog entries that deal with them directly, and save them in a scrapbook for me to give to them - after they become parents. I hope they don't find it on their own before then!

Keely said...

stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-SLAM made me laugh heartily the first time, and snort my coffee out my nose the second time. Mostly because I've BEEN that person.

Captain Dumbass said...

I try not to think about that.

Casey said...

Truer words have never been spoken. Every time I write something about my kids, a little voice in the back of my head says "why the fuck would you publish that for all to see, the kids are going to KILL you when they grow up and read the blog". Then I tell the voice to shove it, I do it for the comments.

richmond said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Ruth

http://ramupgrade.info

ChurchPunkMom said...

I have the advantage of my children requesting that I put things on my blog.. one of these days I'm going to catch them on video asking me to or something.. so I have proof later when they no longer want it published.. heh heh..

but then, I'm not entirely a 'mommy blogger'.. my blog is *maybe* half about my children.

Shangrila said...

LOL-you clearly starting blogging with a bang! My oldest is ten, and we are entering the years of doom! :D Your take on a teenager's reaction to a bloggy mother are hilarious, and I'm guessing spot-on! Thank goodness I've never imagined my kids appreciating me until they're at least 30 and a couple kids in (that's when I got MY head out of my butt and apreciated MY mama!) Great re-post, congrats on your time in the (blog) trenches!

Frogs in my formula said...

Oh my fricken goodness thanks for the reality bitchslap LOL. You kill me.

Frogs in my formula said...

P.S. Congrats on your 6 month milestone.

mrsbear said...

I'm trying to smother my bwahahahas since the kids are sleeping, that was great. You're so right, my oldest is 14 and I try to be very cautious when I right about her, she appreciates some sardonic wit, if I were to talk about her farts...probably not so much. Congrats on the 6 month mini milestone. I loved this post.

Shawna said...

Yeah, I haven't told my nine year old about my blog. Right now she is making for some excellent material! I don't want it to end anytime soon.