Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Facebook exists to remind you that you suck

I was on facebook chat last night with a woman I went to high school with, but who I haven’t actually seen since high school. She moved to BC (and yes, she does indeed suffer from the BC Effect as evidenced by her conviction of how I should move there), found herself a husband and settled down and had some kids. Prior to that she did a LOT. We’ve had a few conversations since the advent of ol’ facebook but the first one was the most memorable. It went like this:

HS Friend: So what have you been up to since high school?

Me: Umm, well… I stayed in town and had a baby pretty much right out of high school, married my high school sweetheart, got a job, bought a house a few blocks from where we grew up and then had a couple of more kids. That is pretty much it. You?

HS Friend: That sounds great!! (BC Effect kicking in, because she sounded like she actually meant that) Well, after high school I completed my social work degree, and then went overseas to work in London while I completed my Masters degree. I did quite a bit of volunteer work with orphans in third-world countries before I published my first book. Then I was invited twice to speak in front of the United Nations - once with the first book, then again with the second. Shortly after that I moved to BC, met the man of my dreams, had two wonderful children and now I am a professor at the University.

Me: Oh. That’s nice. You'll need to excuse me for a moment while I beat myself in the head with our yearbook.

Are you kidding me with that? I had to fight the urge to tell her that I invented post-its.

It actually hadn’t occurred to me to be dissatisfied with my life until I talked to her, and then all of a sudden I am a huge loser with no soul. Starving orphans are not exactly top of mind, unless of course I’m watching Entertainment Tonight and Brangelina is transporting their tribe somewhere exotic, and then I’m really only looking at his ass anyway (and let’s be honest, Angelina’s ass too). I didn't get a masters degree either. I got myself a completely useless certificate like a normal person.

I have never taught anyone anything except for the time my little cousin needed help learning how to sneak into the bar underage. I sure as hell haven’t been published, unless you count this blog that currently holds a grand readership of twelve. As for appearing before the UN? I’m pretty sure the leaders of the world aren’t that interested in hearing my fart jokes.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like this woman and I am happy she has managed to accomplish so much in these last seventeen years, The least she could have done was get fat.


Lady Bug said...

Don't worry - I feel the exact same way when discovering lost friends on Facebook. I just have to remind myself that they are probably putting their "best face" forward and are probably just as boring as I am.


Heather said...

LOL!!! And I invented the glue on the back of post-its!!! :) Funny!!!

Casey said...

I've felt that same way with Facebook when I see everyone's accomplishments. I worked so hard to get where I was at in my career only to become a stay at home mom. Sure, it's rewarding and all that shit but really, it doesn't look so impressive on a resume. On the other hand, I've come across some people on Facebook who are still living at home with their parents and partying like it's 1995 (the year we graduated). Losers.

Anonymous said...

Hey your fart jokes are pretty funny maybe they are needed at the UN. the annoying hubby!

Keely said...

Clearly she was too busy to get fat.

Also, I forgot to mention, the UN did call and they were considering asking you to speak (or tell fart jokes, your choice) but they read my blog and were put off by you cat-killing dreams. sorry.

Frogs in my formula said...

I mean really! The nerve of her to be accomplished but not obese. LOL. This post cracked me up. Every day I swear I am quitting facebook but then I log on. Helloooo.

Michelle said...

No regrets! In my mind, we all contribute in our own way. Obviously you mean something in her life, otherwise she wouldn't keep in touch. I'm sure that you have had an effect on many lives and raising children isn't exactly a walk in the park (as we all know)... You should get a PhD just for that in my opinion... and I'm only half kidding.