Random Tuesday Thoughts

Good day everyone! It's Random Tuesday again, the day Keely at the un-mom gives us permission to totally phone it in. Thanks Keely! Here is my half-assed effort for the week -

The kiss of death when you go to the doctor or the dentist? When they say the word ‘pressure’. As in, “You may feel some pressure." That is doctor code for SEVERE FUCKING PAIN. The next time a doctor says that to you, pray you have a leather strap handy to bite on because it’s not going to be pretty.

It’s almost the middle of March and its forty below. The people from CNN who called us the ‘hot spot’ of North America clearly have never actually been here. Sure, we all have jobs, but if it doesn’t warm up right fucking now we’re all moving to Mexico to work in sweat shops.

I don’t feel like going to the gym. It’s cool damn cold. I want to go for a bike ride or a walk or something. All of you who have the ability of being able to just walk out your front door whenever you want to have no idea how much of a luxury that is. I would kill to be able to see something, anything that’s green right now.

Shannon Doherty seems like someone who is just a gigantic bitch. She was awesome in that Heathers movie though. That show still totally stands up. That movie made me want to eat pate. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

Speaking of movies, the Watchmen was the worst super hero movie I've ever seen. It was excruciatingly dull and horribly depressing. It's very pleased with itself and has absolutely no reason to be. Seriously, save your ten bucks.

For more randomness, go check out the rest of the clan at the un-mom. Git Git!

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week 10

Nothing comes between me and my Calvins……except possibly my huge ass.

I have brought out the jeans. You know which ones I’m talking about. THE jeans. The skinny jeans. The jeans that you keep in vain hope of one day being able to suck it in, grab the nearest coat hanger, lie flat on your back and wriggle on until you almost pass out. The jeans you keep in the ‘I have a dream’ section of your closet.

My skinny jeans actually are Calvins and I love them. I love them and I haven’t been able to squeeze my fat ass into them in more than three years. I didn’t retrieve them to torture myself; I actually want to look at them. I can’t get them on yet, but I’m close enough that looking at the Calvins gives me hope instead of making me want to give it up already and just start rocking the moo-moos.

As for the plan I’m working on to get back into those Calvins, on Tuesday I spent an hour and a half with Trainer Lady. I wish I could win the lottery and afford to see her a few times a week because the shit she dreams up for me to do is ingenious. She has the unique ability to keep pushing me really hard without making me want to bash her over the head with a hand weight. I think Trainer Lady should start a cult because if she can make me work that hard and (almost) enjoy it, she’s the fucking pied-piper.

I was pretty good with the food this week, but I fell victim to the siren song of popcorn twice this weekend. I have a MAJOR popcorn addiction. Let me put it this way - if I had to choose between never eating popcorn again and having to give up one of my children, I would finally be getting that guest room I have always wanted. That shit is GOOD. Aside from those two minor indiscretions, I ate pretty well this week.

You know what is cool though? All of my work pants are falling off. I no longer have to actually undo them to get them on and off. While this is pretty cool from a weight loss perspective, walking around with the poopy-drawers is not a great look. In about five more pounds I’m going shopping!

I’m beginning my tenth week, and by this point I was really hoping to have lost twenty pounds. I didn’t make that goal, but I did lose another 2.5 pounds this week and 15 pounds total. I have 45 to go.

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week 9

I cheated. I’m a big fat cheating cheater who cheats.

Okay, so……this week sucked. I suck. I suck huge donkey balls. I let life derail me. I was all, “Life dealt me a shitty hand and therefore I get to eat crap.” I ate shitty food, I didn’t exercise really at all, and I drank too much. More than once.

A few days I was okay with the food. Actually, I was feeling so shitty I didn’t eat much of anything. One day the only thing I ingested the entire day was a cheeseburger and vodka. I’m pretty sure that’s not really very healthy. That might be standard operating procedure if I was some tweaked out little skank getting ready to shoot a music video, but alas, I'm not. I know better.

My career is going to shit and I have let that sad fact get in the way of the weight-loss mission. How stupid is that?? In this current employment climate, I really could have it a lot worse. I’m a government employee who still has a job, good wage, great benefits, a pension, etc. Mine is definitely a first-world problem. It’s not like I need to carry a bucket on my head for five miles three times a day to provide my family with water or anything. I spent yesterday evening bemoaning my problems over a steak dinner and a glass of shiraz for crying out loud. I’m pretty sure people have bigger problems than me.

Yet, I let my life circumstance derail my progress. I have been at this eight weeks now – shouldn’t I have found a rhythm? Why can’t I get this food and exercise thing under control? How do I let myself cave in so often?

I would never, ever, EVER cheat on my husband. Ever. Even when I really want to, I would never actually do it. I know this young guy who is somewhere in his twenties and is so dreamy every time I look at him the song ‘Mrs. Robinson’ starts playing in my head. While he may not be into a chubby thirty-something at first glance, let’s be honest - he’s a guy. If I was so inclined, I could have my way with him. But, I won’t. I took a vow, and that is just not an option anymore. Sometimes I wish I could venture away from the familiar man (that I love), but I know it would do nothing but ruin my life so I won’t.

Why doesn’t the same resolve apply to food? Why is it just not as simple as – ‘I just can’t eat that because it will ruin me.’? Why can I be so faithful in all areas but one? I am not a weak person. Why is this so hard? I’m only screwing myself. This post is depressing.

I just weighed in and somehow still managed to drop two pounds this week. Stress must burn a lot of calories.

I have 47.5 pounds to go.

An open letter to Rush Limbaugh

Hi everyone – I have been a little out of touch this week. I have issues. Yeah, I know...who doesn’t.

There have been a few things bugging me this week, but the main thing would be that it appears god hates me. I’m not exactly sure why – I love Jesus. However, lately it has come to my attention that I don’t love Jesus the correct way. I think Gandhi said it best –

“I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

My experiences of late certainly reaffirm that message. For the last little while I have noticed a growing movement among many Christians, both public figures and regular joes, that is hard right leaning, conservative, judgemental, unforgiving, disrespectful and cruel.

I consider myself a Christian because it gives me comfort to believe something, and Jesus seems like as good a dude as any to buy stock in. He was the first social activist that got enough attention he was actually written about. He was all about helping the poor, comforting the suffering, and equal treatment for all. He loved women and the disabled and the sick. He thought everyone was a child of god and deserving of respect and kindness regardless of their race, creed, gender, orientation or health. He brought us the first pair of open-toed strappy sandals. JC rocked out with his cock out and I can’t for the life of me figure out when all these far right leaning conservative assholes decided Jesus was going to be THEIR leader.

They have somehow managed to take the history of this man whose entire mission was to bring peace to the world and distort it to such a place that its now actually a REASON to be an asshole. I know people who get up each day and spend their time trampling over everyone in their path and then head right over to church and thank Jesus for the strength in which to do it. They cite Jesus when they decide that only certain people are good enough to marry others, or when they send our teenagers over to fight a war for money and oil and get their legs blown off.

Well, I’m here to tell you that Jesus is pissed. He is not down with their stupid shit AT ALL. We are all here to work together to have happy lives and take care of our friends and neighbours, not to destroy each other and then name Jesus as the reason. All the conservatives who are using Jesus as the reason to be complete fucktards are going to end up in the big time-out chair in the sky when they kick it. You know the saying ‘Karma is a bitch?’ Well, Karma IS a bitch and she and Jesus are totally doing it.

Sorry for that little rant. I feel better.

On the lighter side, earlier this week I posted this picture –



A few of you were brave enough to tackle the weirdest, most unexplainable picture of all time. Go check ‘em out!

Keely at the unmom – story here
Ginny Marie at Lemon Drop Pie - story here
Church-punk mom at Embellished Truth and Polite Fiction - story here (who hopefully still loves me after today's post)

Random Tuesday - Beware, I'm dull as....can't even think of a good analogy for dull

Its Tuesday again and that’s a good thing because I’m becoming a little unglued. I don’t really have anything to do, so I’m extremely random. Thanks for providing me an outlet, Keely.

It appears that I’m losing followers on this blog. What’s up with that? Yesterday I had two people jump ship on me. I hope it’s because I’m offending people. I definitely prefer that over boring the living shit out of them. Uh...for all of you considering leaving me because I'm boring the living shit out of you - you should probably stop reading now.

You know what’s a great game if you’re a government worker? Sit at your desk and pick a random number (say, 31) and stare out the window and count all the cars that drive by, and the 31st one you win! I know you think I’m making this up but sadly, I’m not. I’m paid a lot of money, too. No, it's actually not a great way to spend your time.

White is the worst colour of all time. Bad starchy foods, cocaine, snow, old people’s hair and blank monitor screens that I can’t think of anything to write on are all white. White sucks.

Why does Beyoncé always dress like an asshole? She has one of the greatest bodies of all time and regularly shows up to public events looking like this –

You know, Beyoncé, gold leaf glued on a black dress does not a ball gown make. You have a bazillion dollars – hire a stylist.

Okay, I’m going to stop now before anymore of you decide I’m not worthy. Cyberland is a tough room lately.

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week 8

Happy Fat-Chick review day everyone! It’s Monday, again, and while I'm only at the start of my eighth week, it feels like it's been a lot longer. A LOT longer.

I did pretty great this week, especially with the exercise. I took a ‘body blast’ class at the Y, went to the gym, took a karate class called ‘spirit training’ (kicking, punching and then a bunch of running and sweating) and of course I had my session with Trainer Lady. She cracks me up, that one.

We were talking about eating and how I seem to be struggling on the weekends. My family is still not quite used to all this ‘healthy eating’ business I have forced upon them and I cave more often than I should when they start campaigning for pizza. Upon hearing this, Trainer Lady gave me this advice –

“Well, if you do order pizza have just one piece, and then eat salad.”

Isn’t that adorable? She is just as cute as a button. Really, it was hard not to reach over and pinch her cheeks. She said it with such earnest too, like she believed not eating the pizza hadn’t ever occurred to me before. Healthy people who have a normal relationship with food really don’t understand why we (fat people) are overweight. Telling me to only eat one piece of pizza is like telling an alcoholic to just not drink so much or a gambling addict to only spend $20 at the casino. I know I shouldn’t eat it, but once I know it’s available I can’t think of anything else and end up pigging out. In fact, I need to change the subject right now because typing this is making me want pizza.

Did you ever hear the one about the priest and rabbi who walked into the bar? Yeah, me neither.

I’m going to increase my cardio this week and NO CHEATING in the food department. My children are just going to have to go to someone else’s house if they want to eat junk food. I bet the crazy neighbour lady with the grow-op in her living room has tons of munchies in her kitchen.

I’m doing just fine and I am proud of myself, but the once or twice a week I indulge is not doing me any favors. It showed on the scale this morning when I weighed in and the results were a big fat zero. I didn't loose an ounce this week. Damn.

I STILL have 49.5 pounds to go.

Lay down and boogie and play that funky music 'till you die

I'm back from my night of shaking my groove thing. I think I should probably make some kind of rule about blogging while tipsy, but.....um, well... let's make that rule tomorrow, shall we?

I had a GREAT time with the girls tonight!

It was my friend's birthday; isn't she lovely? She is thirty-something years old, but she still looks like she is early into her 20's, doesn't she?



Know why? She hasn't had children yet.

Here are the rest of the girls, including me! I don't think I've ever posted a pic of what I actually look like on here, so here you go!



That's me, second from the left.

Here is another pic of me, shaking my ass on the dance floor -



Mine is the fat one on the left. I wouldn't normally put my ass on the internet, but I'm using it as a frame of reference because I'm eventually going to post pictures of my SKINNY ass on the internet. I have had a few cocktails, however, so there is a reasonable chance that only you early risers will actually see my ass, because in the light of day I might change my mind on the ass-showing internet action. This is where the no drunk blogging rule would come in handy.

I like this pic of the girls -



Do you get the feeling they are a tad annoyed with the camera action? Too bad ladies! I have a blog and I'm not afraid to use it.

Alright - last couple. This one is funny 'cause I just took it as a random crowd shot -



This was a disco/funk band. Lots of 'jungle boogie' type stuff. I find the utter lack of females in this picture hysterical. Who knew the dudes loved to disco??

Okay, last one. Me and Valentina -



It was a fun night. I may feel differently in four hours when my children wake up and expect a mother, but at the moment I am basking in my glow of vodka, disco and a successful girls night out!