Maybe I could just wall paper it with giant Post-its?

Post-it notes are pretty much the best invention ever. Romy and Michelle were totally right to try and rip those off, because they rule. Do you know they have super big flip chart size ones now? That you can write on and they just stick to the wall? So you don’t have to fuck around with all that tape or sticky blue shit that ruins the wall you are trying to stick it on? They are awesome. And really helpful because I’m getting too old to throw down with hotel managers when my tape damages the ugly wallpaper in rented boardrooms.

Politica and her little ones come for a visit on Thursday and will be here for the whole weekend! Her hubby is taking a pass though. Something about me having an uncomfortable pull-out and him not wanting to be drunk all weekend. I blame the poor PR he has obviously experienced about my fair province's hospitality on the Saskatchewan pavilion at the Olympics. The entire pavilion consisted of a mural of a wheat field you could pose in front of for a picture……. and a huge bar. You’d think “have some toast and get your drink on” was our provincial slogan.

I am really concerned about how invested I am in Lindsay Lohan. I really want her to go to jail and stay there. It ruins my whole day when they let her out, and I honestly can’t figure out why I give a shit.

I think I have finally made the decision to redo my bedroom. The current décor is so heinous the word heinous doesn’t even come close to describing it. It's a cross between a six year-old girl's playroom and the tent that whack job kept Jaycee Dugard in for 18 years. The bed frame was so old and broken I finally just threw it out and now my bed just sits directly on the floor. We are still using the same dressers goodwill donated to us when we first got married and were so broke we made our kids take turns eating cereal using the same milk.

And the walls….oh god. I am having a hard time admitting this to the internet.

Okay…the walls are sponge painted baby blue and baby pink. As in, take a sponge, dunk it in pink paint and blop blop blop over EVERY wall. Take blue paint, repeat.

This room is SO bad that most people when they first see it offer to come over to help me paint it. Like, that weekend. And no, I have no idea why I haven’t addressed this earlier. It was like this when we bought the house FIVE years ago. But, a new day is dawning and I am going to redecorate the SHIT out of that room. Please forward any design inspirations. I need them. I’m actually not that creative.

But I can link up to a website like nobody’s business, so go on and visit Keely.

I can hardly wait until they grow up and I can go crazy old lady on their ass

This week’s RTT is dedicated to my children and all the random shit they have destroyed in my house.

Here's the thing...they look really sweet and innocent – like kittens or those Mormon girls in the jean skirts. But in reality, I’m pretty sure my kids are minions of satan. Or this Not Me person whose singular focus is destruction. He probably has all three of them on retainer.

In no particular order -

1. The desktop computer – I do hold another minion of satan, the Disney Corporation, partially responsible for this one too. Every website they peddle has some kind of downloadable bullshit attached to it, and they use their mind-control techniques to force my children to download EVERYTHING they offer. And now every time I boot up, some cartoon princess pops up and tells me I need to be a good friend. Fuck you, Ariel. Like I want advice from some human-fish hybrid with daddy issues whose best friend is a lobster.

2. The keyboard – Not Me left the desk lamp on all night. This wouldn’t be a huge problem if it wasn’t also pulled down so close to the keyboard it melted all the keys left of 2WSX. My oldest explains it away by saying not having access to certain keys is just making her more creative and expanding her vocabulary.

3. The mouse and mouse pad – GUM . That’s all I have to say about that.

4. All of the lids to my pots – They have proved to be a solid stand-in when Not Me can’t find his Millennium Falcon. Or when more than one kid wants to be the drummer while playing ‘Rock Band’.

5. My COUCH. Yeah, you read that right. My oldest decided to straighten her hair in the living room while watching TV and left the straightener resting on the arm of the couch until it caught on FIRE. Good thing she’s pretty.

6. The light fixture above the kitchen table – Ohhhh….that one really hurt. It was a beautiful glass shade that was really big and fit the look of the kitchen perfectly. J was standing on the table waiting to pounce on one of the other minions and smashed it to bits with her head on the way down. And no, she wasn’t even hurt. I loved that shade. She didn’t even end up with a stitch or two.

I'm pretty sure when people first come to my house they feel like they just stepped into the ‘say hallo to my little friend’ scene from Scarface.

But without the giant mounds of cocaine and the awesome soundtrack.

Although sometimes I do like to wear my hair feathered like Michelle Pfieffer and call people ‘Mang’.

I think this post is over now.

Go see Keely.

Random Tuesday - the one where I torture my husband with memories of the slammer, old boyfriends and tales of fantasy dogs.

My teenage daughter got her eyebrow pierced while she was away for a week in Ottawa/Montreal with her school choir last month. Apparently the legal age for drilling holes in your face is only sixteen in Ontario. You know, I think it actually looks kind of cute. At least until the infection sets in and half her face rots off.

Note to skinny girls everywhere who are lurking behind me while I’m weighing myself at the gym – “OMG I just have to say that you TOTALLY don’t look like you weigh that much!!” is not actually a compliment. Thanks anyway though.

The Hubby just got a full-time teaching contract for next fall! Yay!! Employment and regular pay cheques are magnificent. I wonder if the bill collector lady misses me yet.

My husband refuses to accept my ‘confirm you are married to FoN’ request on facebook. He thinks that if people he works with see my profile his career will be over. So, he basically is refusing to marry me. Real nice, huh? I need to figure out a way to publish my blog url in his school newsletter. Holy crap, he would be SO mad at me! Even madder than the time he was arrested while driving my car because the plates turned up over $400 of unpaid parking tickets. Trust me, he was SUPER pissed about that one.

But holy crap was it funny.

Speaking of facebook, here is an interesting experiment.....go through all of your facebook friends and see how many of them you’ve made out with at one point or another. I have made out with at least four, and possibly six of my ‘facebook’ friends. Respectable, but not overly whorish considering I have about 150 'friends'. I honestly can’t confirm or deny the other two – cheap wine coolers have a way of obscuring accurate memory details. Four for sure though.

I’ve been thinking lately that I really want to get a dog. I know they are expensive, messy, time consuming and all around a giant pain in the ass, but I want one anyway. Besides, MY dog will be super friendly, non-shedding, non-jumping, wonderfully socialized and perfectly behaved at all times. He will also love kids, only bark at the bad people and clean up his own poop. So it will be fine.

That’s as random as I’m ever going to get, so now go see Keely and peruse the other indiscriminate bloggers of Tuesday.

Git.

Random Tuesday - It's okay - I'm crazy too

Hey there, Tuesday bloggers! I haven’t played in a while so I thought I would stop back in for a RTT. However, it appears that our hostess has slept in. Uh...Keely? I'm standing here all alone with that fugly button! Bueller? BUELLER?

Last week I went for lunch with some of my old co-workers. It was great. There is a comfortable familiarity that comes with working with the same people day in and day out for five years, and I still miss it. As we quickly fell back into comfortable rhythms I found myself thinking, “Wow, I really miss these guys. Why did I ever leave my job again?’ After we were done the conciliatory ‘how are the spouse/kids’ type conversations, it naturally turned to work and I started getting caught up on what I’ve been missing. By the end of the lunch I walked away with a firm, “Oh yeah. THAT’S why I left my job. It TOTALLY BLOWS there.” A nice little side reminder with my buffet.

Does anyone else watch A&E? What is with all the new shows based around crazy people? And I don’t say that lightly; I have had a toe over the mental illness line most of my adult life, so that buys me the right to use the word crazy. Very much how I get to use the word fat - I’ve earned my right into that club too. Anyway…

Where was I?

Oh yeah, A&E crazy people programming. I think they built their new broadcast schedule around trying to make the rest of us feel better. And it’s working! I watch Hoarders and suddenly my housekeeping skills improve dramatically. Intervention? Pfft. I don’t mind if I do have that third glass of wine, now that you mention it! Hey, it’s not like I’m huffing on the cool whip can or anything. After watching Obsessed it’s suddenly perfectly fine that my son hasn’t had a bath in four days. Germs aren’t bad for you! Get a grip already!

Thanks, A&E. You have done a wonderful job putting my shortcomings in perspective. I’m fucking perfect.

My daughter's ipod was broken. After 2 days of trying everything she could think of to make it work again she got so frustrated she started to cry, and magically - it started working again. No kidding, just like that. I immediately sent her out to the driveway to cry on her father’s truck that has been sitting there broken for two months. I’ll let you know if that works. If it does, look for ‘J’s Magical Revival Tent’ coming to a city near you.

Keely and Xander came over for dinner this weekend. Upon hearing the news that the dreamy Xander was on his way over (they are affianced, by the way), my three year-old insisted on primping. No kidding. She looked at her dirty little toes that had been running outside with no shoes on all day and announced that she needed a bath immediately because, “Xander just can’t see me like this.” I’m not sure if that’s super funny or the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard. I guess he is pretty cute.

That’s it for me. I can’t find any more mental post-its or scribbles written on the back of envelopes hanging around anywhere. Go see Keely - she has much more faithful RTTers that won’t let you down. If she ever shows up, that is. Slacker.

Random Tuesday - Jon, Kate and Holden Caulfield walk into a bar....

I know I really need to let the Jon and Kate thing go, but it just pisses me off more and more everyday. She rationalizes keeping the cameras rolling by saying, “Parents work. This is my career and I work for my kids”. Yeah, well most parents work by going to an office, or a restaurant or a car dealership or a factory. The butcher, the baker or the candlestick maker aren't whoring their little ankle biters out for a 'job', now are they? And then there is Jon who goes traipsing around France before the ink is dry on the divorce papers (and who am I kidding, most likely WAY before that) with a 22 year-old girl. That woman was in grade six when his first set of kids were born for crying out loud. What is wrong with these people? Could you imagine being those children and having to go to school everyday? When I was nine my mother dressed me in culottes one lousy day and I was teased for months. I feel so sorry for what those kids have to deal with now just because their parents are morons.

We sealed the deal on the cabin for trade yesterday! We went out on the weekend and had a look-see and it’s fabulous (for those catching up we found an on-line ad offering free rental on a lake front cabin in exchange for yard work). There is a lot of work that needs to get done, but I just happen to have in my possession an unemployed husband and teenager who needs to find a way to pay me back for the cell phone she lost with 26 months remaining on the contract. Hubby and the two oldest are going to head out next week and get most of the trees/bushes cut down and loaded up, and then myself and the little one are going to join them the following week for TWO WHOLE WEEKS at the lake. Ahhhh, the lake. I love the lake. The minute I step out of the car and am surrounded by trees and water I immediately just chill the fuck out.

I’m going to read Catcher and the Rye while I’m on vacation this summer. I’ve always wanted to read it, but have never gotten around to it for some reason. Then I’m going to get a dog and name it Holden Caulfield so everyone will think I’m an intellectual and take me seriously as a writer. Ha! I know, huh? Holla!

The follow are words and phrases I wish I could completely remove from my lexicon without consequence:
- Terms of Reference
- Governance Committee and Board of Directors
- Quarterly report
- Please pass the potato chips
- Where is your cell phone, J?
- Mom, it turns out we’re not going to make it to Winnipeg for a holiday this summer after all….

I think my husband is going to be the best teacher in the whole world. The thought he puts into not only what to teach the kids, but how to teach them is amazing. If all the world’s educators approached their jobs in this way, the planet would be filled with much different people.

I still need a pedicure. I'm prety sure I could sharpen knives on my feet at this point. I should really address this situation before vacation because I’m not planning on wearing shoes for two whole weeks. Hmmm…..maybe I should get one AFTER I’m back from the lake.

That is it for me, now go see Keely – she is queen of all things insightful and visionary. Is that better?

Random Tuesday - Americans, toques and mindless drivel. In that exact order.

Happy belated Fourth of July you crazy Americans! I love you even though you shun the metric system, and the letter ‘u’ and the tasty goodness that is clamato juice. I hope you all had a blast with your giant trucks, bud light and apple pie. Or grits. What are grits, anyway? I’ve always thought they were some kind of potato concoction, but I’m not exactly sure about that.

Canada Day (our version of Independence Day) is July 1st, so last weekend we went for the obligatory celebrations in the park with over priced concessions, cover-bands and fireworks. I’m REALLY upset I didn’t bring my camera, because some of the people there were awesome. Who knew the Canadian flag made such a good toga?

My daughter is fifteen and desperately trying to find her ‘cool’. I’m usually just fine with this and stand by the motto that as long as she’s not dressed like a whore, she can wear whatever she wants. However, she has recently added a toque to her wardrobe repertoire (that’s a winter hat for all those south of the border). Yes, in JULY. I am usually good at biting my lip when she wears or does something I think is stupid provided it doesn’t cause harm. I shut it when she dyed her hair pumpkin orange. I kept it to my own self when she came home wearing 80’s style flashdance leg warmers. I even managed to let the phase that saw her wearing a skirt and jeans at the SAME TIME go by. However, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut when she left to go to the mall this weekend in a skirt, tank top, flip flops and a wool hat. I knew the minute my ‘why in hell are you wearing a toque in July??’ comment came out of my mouth I had totally screwed myself. That stupid thing has been glued to her head every day since, and I predict will be well into August.

I REALLY need a pedicure.

I think I found an awesome deal for our vacation this year. We are really out of money (the Hubby doesn’t start working until September, so it’s been a little lean around the FoN household recently), but still really want to go somewhere for a holiday this summer. There is this super great used crap website for locals (sort of a Craig’s list type thing) that was advertising a free lakefront cabin about an hour out of town in exchange for someone to stay there and do some landscaping. Perfect!! I love this trade economy that has suddenly sprung up. The people with the cabin can afford to forgo rental income they would make on it, but have no time to deal with the yard work and upkeep. The Hubby has the whole summer off and a ton of free time, but subsequently we have no money to rent a cabin with. Sounds like a perfect match to me! Lakefront even! I have no follow up pithy comment for this, I’m just happy we figured out a way to have a vacation.

Hey – I wonder what kind of service I can offer to get a free pedicure? Surely I must have something to offer. If anyone out there hears of anyone who wants to trade a pedicure for a list of pointless observations and musings give them my email address, okay?

That’s enough from me. Go see Keely, our Captain O’ Captain of pointless observations and musings at the Unmom. She’ll hook you up with lots of drivel. It’s kind of her thing.

Random Tuesday - I'm BACK baby

I honestly don’t know what has come over me with the Fucktard Sister trilogy. I just can’t seem to stop writing it. Aside from a few minor creative liberties here and there, it's a true story, but I had no idea it would take on a life of it's own. Odd, considering I really haven’t thought about that incident much in the subsequent years. Whatever, I’m really enjoying writing it for some reason and it’s my blog, so there. I guess fucking with the fucktards never gets old. I'm wrapping it up this week though, for sure. Honest.

My daughter has to go to summer school because she failed grade ten Science. That kind of blows, especially considering I either have to (a) go on holidays without her and leave her with her grandparents for a week or (b) postpone my vacation. Neither scenario is really appealing to me. Dumbass. You know, I’d feel better about it if she actually was a dumbass, because then she couldn’t help flunking. But she’s not a dumbass, she just only attends the classes she likes (and gets 80’s in those). As it turns out if you don’t attend class and never hand in assignments, you fail. Funny that.

Shut up Keely. I wasn’t hanging out at A&W alone you know.

I have to get my son’s teacher a kick-ass present for the end of the year, but I can’t think of a good one that doesn’t cost a fortune. My boy is a complicated soul, and this woman gets him. She is awesome and I love her to bits. Suggestions are welcome.

I wonder what’s for dinner? I think I’m going to hide all the mushroom soup cans the Hubby keeps buying.

We had an outdoor cinema night on the weekend and it was awesome! The Hubby found an old LCD projector at a garage sale, hooked it up to the stereo and DVD player, hung a white sheet off the deck as a screen and voila! We grabbed lots of blankets, pillows, snacks and drinks and had a little movie night on the lawn in the backyard. It was totally cool and we’re going to make it a regular thing. As long as I get to pick the next movie. The boy and the Hubby came back from the video store with Mall Cop for crying out loud.

I have no concerts planned for this summer. Last year I saw Lenny Kravitz, Stone Temple Pilots, the Tragically Hip, Rush (I am Canadian, eh), Elton John and Neil Young. This year, nada. AC/DC is coming here in August, but I hate them. Where the hell are all the other good bands this year? Maybe I’ll just rent a DVD concert and watch it in my backyard. Do you think the Hubby will let me sit on his shoulders and flash my boobs at the neighbours?

I'm very upset Jon and Kate are getting divorced. I'm very VERY upset that I give a shit that Jon and Kate are getting divorced. Hopefully Brangelina can hang in there.

Alright, that’s enough. It’s my first Tuesday back in a while; I don’t want to over do it. Today’s post was brought to you by the Un Mom. Thanks for the purge, Keely. And I don’t even have to go brush my teeth.

Random Tuesday Thoughts - I'm a mean white Obama lovin' fool

It’s Tuesday Randomness over at Keely’s place. You know the drill.

I’m feeling a little bad for being so hard on Trainer Dude yesterday. The power of the blog is quite something because based on your comments I could easily form a little army of pissed-off mommy bloggers to go and kick his ass. You guys are awesome, and I’m pretty sure if I was able to unleash you into the world you’d have this whole Iraq/Afghanistan war business dealt with in a couple of hours. I think I’m going to email Barack and tell him what time it is.

As for Trainer Dude, I may have misled you. It’s not like he’s a total muscle head shit-for-brains or anything, he just gives off an ‘I don’t like fat chicks’ vibe. But, let’s be honest – don’t most guys to a certain degree? I don’t mean regular guys like our husbands or the fearless Captain, but I think the beer drinking, macho, pub-crawl loving meathead guys have a genetic predisposition to the anti-Fat Chick point of view. It's not even really his fault, if you think of it that way. There is also a reasonable chance it’s all in my head anyway.

Did you know that Obama just held the first ever White House Passover Seder? I think that is the greatest thing ever. Especially since Christianity reigns supreme in pretty much everything, observing a holiday from another religion is awesome. Inclusion rules.

I need advice on how to change the colour of my legs. They are currently about two shades lighter than snow. They don’t tan naturally, tanning beds totally freak me out and every spray on/rub in tan stuff I’ve tried makes me look like a carrot. I know I should just embrace my whiteness, but it’s so bad people audibly gasp when they see how truly white the gams really are. I just want to stop making children cry. Suggestions are welcome.

I haven’t actually had the pleasure of seeing Master’s Degree since last week’s RTT, so I don’t have any updates on the crazy chick front. It’s too bad, really. I had a lot of fabulous suggestions I was dying to try out on her. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m so hungry. I really miss my friend’s chips and dip some nights. My friend’s carrots and celery are boring. It’s sort of like trading in cocaine for earl grey tea.

I think that’s it. All cleared out now.

Random Tuesday - the one where I'm not even bitching about anything!

It’s Random Tuesday again folks! Ahh, it’s good to be back. I missed last week because I was having a personal crisis and forcing my brain into unstructured behaviour was just too tall an order.

I have recently met a woman who uses every possible opportunity to mention to anyone within ear shot that she’s working on completing her master's degree. Within the first thirty seconds of meeting anyone new it manages to come up in conversation.

“Hi there, nice to meet you. What do you do?” I’M COMPLETING MY MASTER’S DEGREE , and I’m a teacher.

“Hey, did you get that email?” I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE, I know how to read email."

At first it was odd, then it was obnoxious, but now it’s fucking hilarious. I have started a new game called Six Degrees of Masters Degree Separation. I think of the most random, bizarre thing to say to her and see how quickly she can bring it around to her MASTERS DEGREE. So far I’ve tried, “Hey, do you like monkeys?” and it only took four steps to get us there. Monkeys = rainforest = environment = class she took as part of her MASTERS DEGREE. I see her a few times a week usually, so I’m open to suggestions for questions. I’ll report back on progress next Tuesday.

It’s spring here finally! Thank god. I know you’re all as happy as I am because you don’t have to listen to me whine anymore. Yeah, I know it was annoying, but that was honestly the worst winter I have ever experienced in my entire life. I think Mother Nature finally got laid because she was being a major bitch for five solid months. Maybe JC fixed her up with an apostle or something. I’ve heard Luke was something of a babe.

My new workplace has a fridge stocked with all kind of drinks. It’s pretty awesome, but there are no diet drinks so the temptation for a coke ….a cold, cold frosty, bubbly and delicious can of coke (Barry White is giving me the oooooohhhhhhh yeeaahhhhhhhh in my head right now), is torturous. The only non-42-grams-of-sugar beverage they have is V8, and you all know how I feel about that. I’m going to bring some sparkling water in tomorrow. I like that stuff. It’s fancy.

I miss my beautiful big office with a window. I have a cubical now, and I really didn’t think I would care, but I do. Natural light can really do a lot for ones mood. No, I didn’t take a demotion. It’s more of a ‘big fish in a small pond’ vs. ‘small fish in a big pond’ kind of arrangement. It’s okay. When I take over the world I’m pretty sure I’ll get an office again.

Drop by on Keely and see what’s up with the rest of cyberland. There are a lot of people signing on for RTT, so clearly it's THE place to be.

Random Tuesday - a little BLLLAAAAHHHH

It’s Tuesday, and I’m having a hard time being Random. I’m a little OCD so this meme kind of stresses me out. What the hell is a meme, anyway? Is it just a blog related word that only comes up in cyberland, or is my vocabulary woefully inadequate? Or, shall I say derisory. Thanks, thesaurus.

I read a lot, I write quite a bit, but for some reason I am a horrible speller. Like, really, really bad. It makes texting very difficult because of the whole OCD thing.

This guy? He’s an asshole.

I really want a dog. I have three kids, I’m starting a brand new job, my husband works nights and I’m trying to workout five days a week. A dog would be perfect, don’t you think?

Our family is renting a trailer and is going to spend three weeks this summer living in a van down by the river. Five people in a camper trailer travelling through the BC interior? I’m pretty sure this is the worst idea ever. It will probably be fabulous for blogging material though.

I really like the blog Frogs in my Formula. This chick totally cracks me up every time she posts. I hope her job gets really boring and she gets to post everyday because my job is really boring and I need more to read.

V8 is gross.

Today I am taking my daughter to get her learners license, and she wants me to let her drive home. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to do that. Not only do I want to live, but I haven’t had the chance to go and increase my insurance (read: lower my deductable) yet. I need to think of a way to get out of this. For the next two years. At least.

Go see Keely. All the cool kids are doing it.

Random Tuesday - Beware, I'm dull as....can't even think of a good analogy for dull

Its Tuesday again and that’s a good thing because I’m becoming a little unglued. I don’t really have anything to do, so I’m extremely random. Thanks for providing me an outlet, Keely.

It appears that I’m losing followers on this blog. What’s up with that? Yesterday I had two people jump ship on me. I hope it’s because I’m offending people. I definitely prefer that over boring the living shit out of them. Uh...for all of you considering leaving me because I'm boring the living shit out of you - you should probably stop reading now.

You know what’s a great game if you’re a government worker? Sit at your desk and pick a random number (say, 31) and stare out the window and count all the cars that drive by, and the 31st one you win! I know you think I’m making this up but sadly, I’m not. I’m paid a lot of money, too. No, it's actually not a great way to spend your time.

White is the worst colour of all time. Bad starchy foods, cocaine, snow, old people’s hair and blank monitor screens that I can’t think of anything to write on are all white. White sucks.

Why does Beyoncé always dress like an asshole? She has one of the greatest bodies of all time and regularly shows up to public events looking like this –

You know, Beyoncé, gold leaf glued on a black dress does not a ball gown make. You have a bazillion dollars – hire a stylist.

Okay, I’m going to stop now before anymore of you decide I’m not worthy. Cyberland is a tough room lately.

Random Tuesdays 'cause it's Tuesday

All I wanted to do this weekend is see some of the movies nominated for Oscars. I haven’t seen Milk, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire….even the long Brad Pitt old guy/baby movie looks cool. Instead I saw ‘Madagascar 2’. It was stupid. Although, the ‘dying hole’ bit was pretty funny (you see, when the animals get sick they need to pick out a ‘dying hole’ to dig and then just lay there to die. All you see are these heads sticking out and everyone pretty much ignores them, but then the main giraffe decides to become a doctor, and…...oh never mind).

I want to go dancing this weekend. I don’t really do that anymore (unless I’m dragged there by my bar-fly friend), but lately I’ve been getting the urge to get down with my bad self. There is a band called Absofunkinlutely playing at the one bar I will agree to go to, and they’re described as an R&B/funk/disco band which is right up my alley. Hopefully I can get a little posse together and have a girl’s night out.

I called my little girl a drama queen this weekend. She is one, trust me. She thought it was a compliment of the highest order - one step up from princess, after all. This morning she was still talking about it (but she’s only three so she couldn’t really remember exactly what it was I was calling her), and when we arrived at daycare she proudly announced to her group that she is a ‘drag queen’. I love it.

I should really give blood. I work directly across the street from the Red Cross (oops, Canadian Blood Services) and I haven’t ever donated. We can’t call it the Red Cross anymore because they infected a lot of people with Hep C and HIV in the 90’s. They felt the best way to deal with that little whoops is to change their name, and then turn around and blame the ‘old’ Red Cross. This province does that a lot.

For example, the last conservative government we had in power (in the 80’s) ended with most of the elected officials going to prison for stealing tax payer money. They were called the Conservative Party, but after they all had to go to jail the few of them left standing decided it might be a good idea to change their name. They are now called the ‘Saskatchewan Party’ and actually WON the last election.

People around here really aren’t that bright.

Except me. I really should be running things.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

I don’t really do football, but I make a point to watch the Grey Cup and the Super Bowl even though I'm really only watching for the musical acts and commercials. The economy sucks so the commercials were kind of ‘meh’ this year and thanks to Janet Jackson and her boob the Americans are too scared to put anyone on stage that isn't some really old guy now. Seriously, Bruce Springsteen? In the last few years since boobgate they've had Paul McCartney, Tom Petty...even Prince for crying out loud. They really can't think of anyone slightly more relevant? I know those guys are 'legends' and all that but enough already. It was just a boob people! Lighten up.

I’m excited about my trip to BC this weekend! Politika has a daughter the same age as mine (they are three) and all I want to do is dress them in matching clothes for some reason. That kind of kind of thing is usually a little too ‘cute’ for me, but I’m dying to do it anyway. Weird, huh?

I want to drive to Ontario and punch that groundhog in the face for telling me I have to live through winter for another six weeks. Every year I’m hopeful, and interestingly enough in 35 years of living on the prairies winter has never once ended by the middle of February. Curse that stupid rodent for taunting me with hope every year.

I died my hair red and that seems to have helped with the old lady factor. And I figured out how to style it without looking like a television sitcom mom, so it’s starting to grow on me. A little. I still regret cutting it though.

I’ve been thinking about my Winnipeg friends a lot lately – Erin, Tobi, Rickie…..I would like them to come and visit me. Well, Erin is in Vegas now, so I think I’ll go visit her. As for the other two…come on over ladies! Well, maybe it would be better to do it in the spring. We can spend two days on the deck drinking and then jump on the trampoline like idiots when the kids are asleep. Hey, don’t knock it; it’s a pretty decent workout.

How many people out there have heard this before -

"I don't have close friendships with women. They don't really like me because I'm too pretty. It's a lot easier to hang out and work with men"

Hey, you know what? It's not because you're too pretty. It's because you're kind of a fucking bitch. The men think you're a fucking bitch too, but they continue to suffer through your inane nonsense in hopes that some day you will have sex with them.

Now it's time to go see Keely who will be able to hook you up with more Tuesday randomness. Speaking of Keely (who by the way manages to be loads pretty and not at all a fucking bitch), her potty mouth is finally being recognized for all its vulgar glory. Today is the last day to cast a vote for her in the mom dot 'best use of a cuss word' award. I love that Americans say 'cuss'. It's so cute.

Okay - go vote now!

Random Tuesday Thought day - for KEELY!

I need a lesson on blogging manners - I keep participating in these standard weekly posting themes but always forget to tell you who is the mastermind, which is kind of the point, correct? This one is for Keely at Un-Mom. The weight loss posts are for Casey at Hasay. There. Sorry ladies! I will try to be more considerate in the future. Unfortunately these days I can't think of anything other than how fucking cold I am every minute of every day.

I’m going to go completely insane if it doesn’t warm up soon. I have to escape this weather – no human should have to live through this. Right now I’m totally willing to cash in my Canadian citizenship and go join Castro’s revolution. Democracy can go fuck itself if it means I get to feel the tip of my nose again in this lifetime.

My daughter died her hair orange. On purpose. Yeah, I know it’s a right of passage to massacre your hair at fifteen years old, but…...yikes. She looks like she just stepped out of a Dr. Seuss cartoon.

I’m sad I didn’t win that 44 million dollars that was up for grabs in the 6-49 this weekend. I had all kinds of plans for that money. I guess it’s not very responsible to have ‘win the lottery’ as your plan A, is it?

How come Paula Abdul isn’t shit-faced on American Idol this year? Watching that train wreck is the main reason I tune into that show.

I learned today that smart on its own gets you nowhere. Smart with a side order of evil? Now THAT gets you places.

I’m really cold. I know I’ve covered this already, but I just can’t let it go. All day every day I am freezing to death and I just can’t take it anymore. My entire body has been ice cold for two solid months and if I don’t get some heat in my person sometime soon pieces of me are going to start dropping off. My last power bill was $260. Yes, that was only for one month. This is inhuman. What kind of dumbass decided this piece of nowhere was a perfect place to stop and build a town? I don't know, but that guy was an asshole.

I think I would qualify for refugee status because if I stay here any longer I am going to die – from either frost bite or my own hand. Florida? Nevada? New Mexico? Anyone out there want me? I have a myriad of useless skills that qualify me to do all kinds of useless things. I’m sure there is some douche bag somewhere south that needs a secretary, right?? Please, someone out there rescue me from this godforsaken land. It's really, really, really starting to effect my usually sunny disposition.

Beefs and Bouquets for Random Tuesday

Better late than never, right? Yeah, I know Tuesday is almost over but I was actually REALLY busy at work today. I even got to use my brain the whole day! It was awesome. I better go home now and watch some really bad television to balance that shit out.

I know the Tuesday thing is supposed to be random, but I'm breaking with convention and giving it just the tiniest bit of structure. Sort of a beef and bouquets, if you will. I have had a rash of recent service experience that were both superb and horrendous. Since I have a public forum at my disposal, I'm going to use my right of free expression and tell you who ROCKS and who SUCKS ASS.

OK Tire - sucks ass. I had a flat tire yesterday morning and when I called and asked them to please pick it up at my house, tow it to their facility, fix it and then call me, they said 'no'. Really, that's it. Just 'no'. Not "No, I'm sorry but we're too busy this morning, possibly we can fit you in this afternoon", not "No, we are short staffed and cannot accommodate this request right now" not even "No, I'm really hung-over right now and Larry the repair guy just left to go get us cheeseburgers”. Just ‘No’. WTF?

South Albert Tire - rocks. They didn't say "No", they just picked up my car, repaired it quickly, didn't charge me two limbs and a blow job to fix it and were nice to me when I got there to pick it up. See OK Tire? Was that so hard?

The Roof Top Bar and Grill - sucks ass. They are really overpriced, their food is horrible and they use very low quality ingredients. Honest to Christ I've had better steak at Bonanza. And they put horseradish in my Caesar. Ew.

Miso Sushi - rocks. Their rice is just a little warm still when they serve it to you and their menu is fabulous. OK, sure, they forget stuff a lot but the staff is usually very pleasant about it. It might be because none of them speak English and they just nod and smile not matter what the hell I’m saying, but that’s fine with me. The best part? On the tables are little shot classes that hold the pencils. Written on the shot glasses are sayings like, "You're ugly, but so I'm drunk I won't notice until morning". It still cracks me up every time I go there.

TD Canada Trust - rocks. They always give us money whenever we ask for it. We can ask for ANYTHING and they just hand it over.

TD Canada Trust - sucks ass. They always give us money whenever we ask for it. We can ask for ANYTHING and they just hand it over.

Sorry for the structure. Next Tuesday I’ll be all crazed and unglued. Promise.