Fat Chick Update

I am sure that at least one or two of you have noticed I haven’t been providing Fat Chick updates lately.

Guess why?

Because I have lost all of my excess weight and I am now a svelte 125lbs. Food is no longer an issue for me, and my favorite meal is steamed white fish with a side of broccoli. I have learned to just LOVE the gym, and I go there so often that all the staff yell “FoN!” when I walk in the door. I always respond with some witty gym banter like, “Mornin’ folks! Is that a bosu ball you have there, or are you just happy to see me?”

In fact, I’ve quit my job and am going back to school to become a personal trainer, just like all the former fatties from the Biggest Loser.

Then I’m going to get famous and design handbags.

Because as far as I can tell anyone that is famous without having any specific talent at some point designs handbags.

The end.

Okay, everything included in the above might not be entirely accurate, but I wanted to live in that fantasy world for a few moments.

I’m still fat. I haven’t lost a single pound since fall.

I suck.

I have started seeing Trainer Lady again though. She seems to not give up on me, so that’s nice. The fact I pay her probably doesn’t hurt either though.

I love going to see Trainer Lady. She trains me without judgment, and for someone like her I would imagine that to be difficult. This is best demonstrated by the fact she’s in Las Vegas this week and told me at our last session she was mostly excited about going to Vegas to workout because she loves working out on vacation.

She and I don’t really have much in common.

And that’s probably a good thing. If it was up to me we’d blow off that whole exercise thing each week and go for beers and nachos.

The only problem I do have working out with Trainer Lady is that I totally SUCK at pretty much everything she asks me to do. I have no strength, I get winded after 30 seconds and I have the balance of a toddler.

I’m not really one of these people that needs to be good at everything - I suck at tons of stuff and I’m pretty much okay with it.

I can’t parallel park to save my life.

The best round of golf I shot ever was a 75. For nine holes.

It took me an hour and a half to ski down a 20 minute run while on vacation in February.

People know these things about me, and it’s all just fine.

The problem with Trainer Lady is that she ONLY sees me when I’m sucking at something. She doesn’t know me as anything other than the chick who she trains that sucks at everything.

But I’m good at stuff, Trainer Lady!

I would kick all y’all’s ASS at Donkey Kong (the Colecovision version circa 1985).

I can sing the entire harmony part to Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Trouble Water.

I almost always win at rock, paper, scissors. BAM! How to do you like me NOW? That’s what I thought.

It’s okay if she doesn’t immediately recognize my mad skills.

I'm a ninja.

A chubby ninja with no balance and limited cardiovascular ability.

I am going to keep going to Trainer Lady. And try this whole business AGAIN.

How else will I be able to eventually realize my dream of becoming famous hand-bag designer?

Exactly.

Fat Chick vs. Food - Week One

Technically it should be week thirty-something. Actually, technically it should be week hundred and something since this has been an issue for so long now, but fuck it. Just like Jon and Kate I’m starting over.

Summer kicked my ass. I have been indulging in bad food a LOT and my exercising efforts have been weak at best. And I’ve kind of turned into a bit of a wino. I just love me a malbec. I’ve only recently discovered this particular wine, and it is YUMMY.

I went to the gym last week and weighed myself on their super-doper scale, and according to that I’ve gained 7 pounds since May (the last month I actually lost anything). I suck.

That’s okay, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. At least I’m climbing back on the Fat Chick bandwagon before I backslide the whole way. I will do better.

I’ve signed up for a twice weekly boot camp thing Trainer Lady is starting up just for fat people. It’s a small class of six, and each class comes with an hour of exercise and a stern talking to thinly veiled as ‘nutrition counseling and support’. I’m hoping that a group of actual fat people to relate to will help me. I don’t really know any other fat people in real life. I’m pretty much it. I’m surrounded by nothing but ‘the last five pounds’ people.

A good friend of mine once told me that if I ran in place for ten minutes before bed each night the weight would just fall off and I’d never be fat again. See what I’m dealing with here?

I need the REAL fat people as a support group to help me. The people who can’t wear a dress in the summertime unless they baby-powder up their inner-thighs. The people who have drawers full of gigantic lycra underwear. The people who dress in layers even when it’s 30 degrees outside. The burger king people. Trainer Lady PROMISED me nothing but five other fat people who want to cross over to the other side. I would love nothing more than a cocoon of people who plan to emerge from this class as ‘last five pounds’ people. This class starts on Sept 15th. I’ll keep you posted.

In the meantime I’m going to fight Fat Chick as hard as I can. She’s really loud and obnoxious and filling my head with thoughts like, “Well, you don’t start that stupid exercise group for another two weeks, so why not live it up now? You’ll have to get back into it mid-September anyway, so just shut up and eat that piece of cake. Can I pour you a glass of vino?”

She is such a fucking bitch.